When you suffer trauma

 

King John's Castle and Thomond Bridge, Limerick.

When you suffer trauma, everything can replay in your head over and over, and at the same time you can have feelings of self-blame, worthlessness, badness, I find I'm worse when I have a relapse in the physical illness. 

It is normal to have days of emotion and sadness with trauma, tough but normal, and the best thing to do is rest, look after yourself, try to do something practical or read, listen to music, survive. 

Remember, you are not to blame for everything you've experienced which has hurt you in life, you are not to blame for other people hurting you, and reactions are reactions, be kind to yourself.

I take a vitamin and iron supplement, I find it helps my mood, and if I'm very down, I take some extra vitamin B, not vitamin C or D, vitamin B.

Grit your teeth, survive. Live. You are alive, as REM sings. There is so much hope and potential. It may not seem that way, but get creative and find the hope and potential. 

I'm better than I was yesterday but not up to telling stories about County Clare, so I'll leave it at that, as I struggle with feelings and emotions today, I'll say to you, be kind to yourself and understand that on bad days it is is easy to try to take the blame for the whole world and their crass opinions, but think of the good in you, and most people do have good. I am clean and tidy, honest and quiet and occasionally friendly and gentle.

love, 

A 

Limerick on a Saturday

I am neglecting 'The Road to Shannon' to write on this blog again, tut. And in case you're not indoctrinated, it's not because The Road to Shannon is paved with good intentions, it never was. I just prefer 198 to Shannon now. 

I've not been well. Quite a bad relapse. I have a metabolic or autoimmune condition which relapses and remits, it can hit hard and I am usually in relapse well before I realise it. The condition presents with aches and pains, tiredness not relieved by rest, increased difficulty walking, muscle fatigue and sudden muscle failure, depression, flashbacks, nightmares and disturbed sleep or trouble sleeping at all. 

Relapse isn't surprising as I've been out it very cold and wet conditions all week. It's been an endurance. And it's not just me, a rough sleeper friend who has been homeless most of his life was saying to me he's absolutely sick of this homeless life and the relentless weather.

I did wonder if I've also picked up a cold or virus and the cheap place I stayed recently had someone coughing and sneezing everywhere as well as slamming doors and shouting into their phone all night. I haven't felt well at all. 

I had a bad night and was having bad dreams about the man who left me homeless in Limerick. I went into town in a miserable mood, tired and aching. And then there I was in Limerick and the world became magical again.

As soon as I was in Limerick, people who I knew were around, there were hugs and chats and fist bumps and handshakes and laughter. My mood lifted straight away. I went to church as usual for my Saturday prayer, and sat on my wall as usual. I enjoyed the hustle and bustle of town on a Saturday and I said 'Limerick, I love you'. Limerick whispered back 'My arms are holding you'. As always, every day I'm in Limerick, the Limerick Love Song is in my head. 

Someone who went past told me they'd bring me food, so I waited, and my friend came and sat with me, he wanted to go for coffee but I told him someone was bringing me lunch, so he came back later and we went to a new coffee place, good prices and good coffee, so that was nice. Last week I told him about the man who left me on the streets, and he said 'That's not a friend, this is what friends do, we have coffee, we chat, we relate to each other'. 

Getting out and talking to people is important, especially when you're feeling bad and want to hide away, it can change things. I have had a lovely day in town. Life is tough but good people make it more bearable. Saturday is the best day to be in Limerick, everyone's around.

My arm is being twisted to tell the Clarecastle Mass story, someone in Shannon is going bright red at the thought while she is in Vigil Mass. Go on then.

So in Clarecastle, Mass is the third sport after Hurling and Hurling Missiles. Paddy is a well-known figure in Clarecastle, the missiles miraculously avoid Paddy, everyone loves him, Paddy, he likes his pint, he's a man. 

Paddy is always at Mass 10 minutes early and he has his seat at the front, no one else will take Paddy's seat, it's a small community and everyone knows their place. 

Paddy never misses Mass and is always in his seat. But one Saturday night, one drink turns into another and one story turns into another, and before Paddy knows it, it's morning. He's far from the first to go from drinking to Mass, Philip and the lads used to do this, but poor Paddy, he's taking it slowly down to the church, he's a little weary. 

Paddy is late for Mass! He goes in, his seat is empty, waiting for him. Mass has started but it's only in the first few minutes. Paddy walks up the aisle. He walks to the front. The priest is speaking. 

Paddy goes up, he says to the priest 'Look father, I'm late, you're just going to have to start again from the beginning',

The priest starts the Mass again from the beginning. 

Thanks for being good sports, Clarecastle. I'll do Ennis next.

+++++

When you feel at your worst, don't hide away, go and be among people a bit, even Angela did in The Limerick Love Story: 

Angela looked out into the dark, snow was falling lightly. 4 am. She dressed and headed out quietly, walking down the hill into town. Standing on O'Connell, she gazed at the Christmas lights as she did every day, with the wonder of a young child. She loved the silver teardrops, the coloured tree lights, and the Christmas trees. She watched the snow fall gently through the lights 'Beautiful'. She gathered snow off the low walls and benches to build a small snowman.

The Garda truck was taking it easy in its journey along O'Connell and slowed even more to see a woman building a snowman at 5.30 in the morning. Angela looked up and waved at the watching Gardai. The driver raised his finger and they moved on, deciding she was harmless enough. 'I have to get away from the nightmares' she told the retreating back of the Garda truck, but no one heard her. After a while she went into the gossip cafe and got a tea to take with her to her doorway. 

----

Michael was drained but relaxed from making love to Graeme as he walked through town to work with his coffee, enjoying the pre-Christmas atmosphere and lights. He tutted at Angela sitting on the step in the cold. 'You have a warm bed and breakfast and you've had a chest infection, Angela'. He shivered and pulled his wool coat round him, cold just to look at her in her cloth jacket. 

She sighed 'I have to get away from the nightmares, the bad feeling sometimes' .

Michael nodded 'I'll come and talk to you at lunchtime if you're around. I do understand what you're telling me. Try not to sit too long in the cold or bite too many legs'. 

----

At 12.15 Michael arrived with tea and coffee and a bundle. He handed Angela her tea and sat beside her. 'Drink your tea' he told her when she looked at the parcel he had with him.  She drank some tea, he opened the parcel. 'This is called a coat, it's designed to keep you warm'. 

'Ha'. 

'If you wear your coat, you get your treat, if not, you don't'. 

He could see she was interested but she wasn't going to ask what the treat was. Eventually she held out her hands for the coat, and he gently helped her to put it on, she didn't object. She made a lot of interesting faces and muttered her thanks. 

'Good girl, now gather your things and we'll go to your treat'.

'Where?' 

'I've finished work for the day, I only had a board meeting. We're going home to Graeme for the rest of the day to chill out and relax, have some fun and food'. He saw Angela smiling and he knew she was happy with the arrangement. They drove through the light snow, the snow wasn't impeding driving and didn't make great headway in settling, but enough to delight the children who were already getting hyped up for Christmas, Michael felt sorry for the parents, but remembered he'd have all that to look forward to. 

Angela's O'Connell Street in the snow. 

My Arms Are Holding You

Here I am in Castletroy, Limerick, one of my favourite places although not as favourite as Raheen and Dooradoyle or Ennis Road perhaps, or maybe Castletroy is my favourite now. I'm enjoying the view and the music and some good tea, I'm listening to the 198 theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sklYzudgOPU

Remember, 198 is a state of mind, a state of hope. We don't know the future and it may not be as we imagine, but while there's life, there's hope, we can look for ways forward. Sometimes it's hard to see how things can be better, things can feel so bitter, so unjust, unfair. Sometimes things happen which will never go away, and those things become scars, they can change our course and we are slightly different with each scar. 

On Saturday I joined a number of people supporting a protest of the family of a journalism student, Joe Drennan, who was killed within sight of where I am right now. Joe was killed by an unlicenced uninsured drug driver who was on bail for other offences. Sentencing in Ireland can be woefully inadequate, and he got off lightly and with his sentence for Joe's death running concurrently with his sentences for other offences and the others sentences earned him two and a half years more than his sentencing for killing Joe, despite the fact that he stopped at the scene to wipe his car off, and left Joe for dead. It is hard to imagine how bad things are for Joe' family, he will never come back, but they are fighting for his killer to get a proper jail sentence. In Ireland, and I guess other places, you have to really fight for things. As I write this, the DPP, who were hostile, have agreed to an appeal on the sentence. I am happy to hear this but it won't bring Joe back. I hope his family don't mind posting this, I admire them for their fight for justice and their unwavering courage in speaking publicly about the tragedy. 

A lot has happened since Christmas, and while I've been on other writing projects, I haven't updated this blog. I have had two very terrible incidents occur in my life here, and also a lot has been going on in my country of citizenship which has an impact on me. Eventually I will have to return there to seek justice for the terrible things I've survived, and things are moving towards that now, things are changing for the better. or do I mean better, was being in limbo better because it didn't hurt so much?

Well. After telling you what a lovely Christmas that was, a sad and terrible incident occured and as a result I was in Limerick city centre on New Year's Eve in the pouring rain, with 2025 not starting as hoped, but let's see what good I can bring out of this unexpected turn of events. Although that happened, and then another terrible incident since, I am okay, I am strengthened by the good people in my life and my faith, and at no point have I let thoughts of self-harm enter my life, because I understand that bad things happen in life, and things won't stay so bad forever. Some things won't go away, but the intensity of crisis does lessen, things change, we adapt or we force change when there's injustice. 

In the meantime, lets talk books. I started reading self help books as a teenager, trying to understand why I couldn't speak or relate to people.

I couldn't cope with counselling as a teenager when I left my family as I couldn't speak normally and the counsellor was a bit of a perv, you do not need the rest of that story, I promise you, not at the moment anyway, so at the time I got myself a book called 'Be your own Counsellor'. My first self help book. I'm sorry to say I can't remember the author's name, but I found it helpful and it started my understanding of the concept of self-reliance. I am naturally self- reliant due to having attachment disorder as a result of neglect as a child but have had a tendency, as many vulnerable people do, to struggle with life and to let other people take over, usually unsuitable people who add to the damage.

I got hooked on the self-help bug, and I got tapes as well as books, my two main authors at first were Susan Jeffers and Louise L. Hay. 

As life moved on, I discovered Tony Robbins and others, and continued to work my way through a minefield of self help books and tapes telling me how to live, as well as affirmation tapes. I think it was a good thing, however confusing it may have become, because I'd missed out on a childhood of normal instruction on how to live and behave, and now I was learning quite cutting edge techniques on how to live and behave, and I think it saved me and helped me to go on functioning through everything. 

I still think self-help books are great, I make a pile of them and sit on them to watch television. Joking aside, if you're stuck for inspiration and a way forward, there are many books in the library and bookshops on many helpful topics. 

At the moment I'm back into non-fiction, going mad for good murder mysteries. I'm reading like I'm demented and getting through a lot of books.

I'm a writer, as I've probably mentioned, and I currently have two main works 'The Road to Shannon' and 'The Limerick Love Story'. The Limerick Love Story is about an eccentric homeless woman who was befriended by a well-to-do gay couple. I started writing this on the streets of Limerick in October last year and fell in love with the book itself while also falling in love with Limerick, it has been my favourite manuscript so far. Writing is a magical thing, like music, it can help express your emotions and feelings, anger and sorrow, grief, confusion, it can help you through. 

Sometimes good can come from bad, sometimes we have to find someone or something to hold onto. When I was left on the streets of Limerick by that @@@@, I held onto God, as it says in the words of the Limerick Love Song 'My Arms are Holding You'. I'm still holding onto God. You may not believe in God, but hopefully you can find someone, something to hold onto. 

I have to boast about my manuscript, so I'll give you snippet, which shows why it's the Limerick Love Story, because it's not just about the characters, but about the city and county as well:

'Now she can look up all those things that puzzle her like 'What is orange?', 'Why are people?' and 'Is the moon?'. Graeme saw them to the door 'See you soon Ange, text anytime'. 

As they drove, Angela asked about the rivers. 'The one behind us is the Groody' Michael told her 'The one at the top of Annacotty is called the Mulkear, the Salmon River, one of the best in Ireland for Salmon and trout, which rises in the Silvermines and flows into the Shannon and then the Shannon runs behind the university'.  He glanced at her, almost seeing a map being written in her mind, she loved to know more about places, and he'd heard her and Graeme swapping Pig Buyer stories as if she was a native of King's Island. Where she'd learned the Pig Buyer stories was a mystery, the girl was keeping bad company somewhere. 

'Do you know where the Silvermines are, Angela?' 

Angela hummed 'Any Tipperary Town' for him. 

'The Groody rises in County Limerick, it isn't a very big or long river, and it flows into the Shannon as well. the two rivers meet the Shannon either side of Plassey, where the university is'. 

'Groody'. Angela giggled 'It sounds like a mean old man in a children's book'. 

Michael smiled 'So it does. The Shannon is your favourite, for baptising Dassin when he pesters you'.

'He's got religion now, I threw a Bible at him as well'. 

Now, so do you think you'll be okay back at the bed and breakfast now?' 

Angela glanced at the iPad in her arms and nodded. 

Michael laughed 'Silly question, you're embracing your old friend there and can't wait for the two of you to be alone together. Try to get some sleep though, but enjoy some tea, duvet and iPad first, and we'll be up for you on Christmas Eve but you and Graeme will be texting away no doubt'. 

__

The Groody and flood plain from Dublin Road, looking towards Plassey and the Clare and Tipperary Hills in the rain.

The Salmon Leap on the Mulkear at Annacotty.