Air on a G-String

Good evening. I hope you're okay. This blog isn't being written as and when I'd envisioned but never mind.

Let me tell you about my day. 

It's my day off from work and I fell out of bed sleepy after a tough week. I had an exam at 9 am and I thought I was doing fine and would be all set. It was an online exam, due last week and delayed. 

I went to set up, my laptop crashed and the other one isn't the right spec. I fought to get the laptop working and it started, and then decided to install updates. 

I was seething as I logged in in danger of losing my exam because of the time. The proctor knows me and is the most patient person in the world so he told me to stay calm, and he helped me set up.

If I'd taken the exam last week it would have been 100% but I got 85% this time. Which is better than being disqualified. Many thanks to a really good proctor who has calmed me down before.

One of my next adventures was very Limerick. I recently acquired my second ukulele but it needed re-stringing, so I was taking it to the music shop in town.

The one missing string was a G String. Limerick is crazy and so am I, so I wandered round town with my uke, asking people if they'd seen my G String.

In Limerick the reply would be 'Well 'oose 'ouse did you leave it to, you hun?' 

When I'd worn the joke out, I headed for the music shop. Left my new baby with them, became a music shop person properly, seeing as I was having an instrument repaired, and went for my shopping.

Later I went and collected the newly repaired instrument, and headed for my bus. I had no plectrum so I used my leap card and the bus queue giggled. 

'No busking on the bus' the driver told me sternly 'Not even Limerick you're a lady' 

At home, messaging with a friend, we were reminded of my survey a few years ago, where I walked round Limerick asking people if they were normal.

My friend commented that I had surely packed my sanity when I moved over from France, but Limerick had other ideas.

The Pink Ukelele

 Having finished my first diamond art painting and feeling good that my motor skills didn't hold me back, I was thinking of learning cross stitch and doing more diamond art as my rest and break activities from my studies. But while waiting for an appointment in town, I found a new unused ukulele for 1 Euro. It may be child-size and pink but I decided it was for me. 

I used to have a guitar and a keyboard before my life was wiped out  decade ago. Now I have a small ukulele and I am taking up music again. Something I learned about life when I was a teenager is 'There is always more'. And so a pink ukulele became more, and I walked through town playing the ukulele and went to my appointment with it.

Pink Ukulele

There is always more, and life renews and regenerates. In 'Dreamcatcher' by Stephen King, he depicts life force as a child filling a bucket from the sea, the sea doesn't run out.

Life is tough, it doesn't always go as we hope. I've had a recent very difficult day and I'm just getting on with things. I like my ukulele lessons and refreshing my music theory. I used to study with Trinity College London but I'll be joining the RIAM. I believe now that I can play the keyboard again, my injured hand allows Ukulele, so it will probably allow keyboard.

I have started rehabilitation exercise now. It impacts your body first time, but it was a good sign that it didn't incapacitate me. Life regenerates and sometimes the new growth is better. 

Life force. power, pure joy. 

Limerick, your arms are still holding me - 9 month Anniversary

It's been a busy time. Last time I wrote I had the joy and honour of helping with Darkness into Light Limerick 2025. It was a great day and went back to back with another role I do, where I go picking litter.

There are many people in the world who would scoff at picking litter, why would anyone choose to do it? Isn't it a punishment for people doing community service? 

No, it's a wonderful thing to do, picking up rubbish that people have discarded, notably around benches and walls and in flower beds and hedges where people throw rubbish. When I worked with Tidy Towns in Dublin, we would pick litter by a pub with a roof terrace and the amount of intact beer glasses and alcohol bottles fished out of the hedge intact was stunning. 

The kind of people who choose to get up early on a weekend and pick litter are some of the best company in the world, they truly are, salt of the earth. If you're feeling unhappy with your social circle, come litter picking. As an autistic person, I will always be a quiet person, will always struggle to communicate in social situations, but what helps me is attending a volunteer event where everyone has such good in their hearts that they choose to be there and to do good, not for praise or acclaim but because they care, because they are motivated, because they are kind. I feel safe with such people and more able to relax and talk.

One of the best things you can do for your mental health is go volunteering, and sometimes the best time to do that is when you feel least like doing that. I felt bad and didn't want to get up in the morning, but I'm very glad I did. I'm glad I did something useful and met with good people, it helps me to recover from my recent bad experience. 

Don't worry, we don't abandon the bags there.

The wonderful 'Serve the City' team who I litter pick with, who also run services such as soup kitchens and language exchange for migrants who want to improve their English. Serve the City were some of the first people I met when I came to Limerick, and meeting them gave me hope of a future here. 

It's been a difficult two weeks for me since I was violently attacked by addicts in town and put in hospital, on a Saturday of all days, my favourite day to be in Limerick and be around the people who I admire so much because they looked after me so well when I was homeless. Two weeks of pain and anxiety and depression and my landscape changing. I'm still suffering pain because it hit my disabilities and old injuries hard, and I wasn't feeling too well today but I got out of bed and went litterpicking willingly, looked forward to it and was happy, after two weeks of struggling to get up and function. I am getting back to normal.

Thursday this past week was a great day for me, as I passed my First Aid Responder course well and I'd enjoyed the course a lot. I actually turned up with concussion after being attacked as it's an intensive course and we were told not to miss a single session. My horrified instructor told me I could only audit the practicals that week, which was better than missing out, and in the end my practical exam seemed to come out perfect, so I was delighted. I'm so happy. First Aid is a vital skill and due to my circumstances I've waited years to re-qualify. 

Let me tell you the story of how I first met the litterpicking team. I'm a community volunteer but they are not on the community volunteering list. I arrived in Limerick 9 months ago, shocked, hypothermic and soaked by the rain, and covered in ECG pads from a heart scare caused by the circumstances which left me homeless on the streets of Limerick when I'd been expecting to come to a tenancy and a bright future.

It was Friday September 13th, in the evening, and I was obviously not okay when I was first on the streets of Limerick, and from the moment I arrived, people showed care and concern for me, they looked after me, and that saved me, and eventually, as the support was unwavering and strong, I was able to start rebuilding my life. 

It was Saturday September 14th, 9 months ago today, that after no sleep overnight on the streets of Limerick, I walked down to Arthurs Quay, having dried out naturally and calmed down because the people who kept me company overnight were so funny and cheered me up, at Arthurs Quay I stumbled across a group who were litter picking and I wondered if it was Tidy Towns, who I'd worked with in Dublin, but no, I'd never heard of the group but they were friendly and inclusive and had sweets and coffee afterwards, so I took a liking to them. It was a hopeful turn to events and just in that short time, I realised I could have a future in Limerick, just that it would be different to the one I'd been led to expect. 

Today I was honoured to be with this same team, different location, lovely people, to litter pick again. It makes me so happy, I can't fully explain why, but it makes me so happy. I didn't join them for coffee, as I said, I'm still suffering the after effects of being seriously injured and I said goodbye as the group went for coffee, and walked down to the church, my Limerick on a Saturday was to be reduced to just the litterpicking and my routine prayers at church, and then I headed home to rest.

The good in Limerick outweighs the bad. An honour and a pleasure to work with these people. 

As I walked down to the church, there was no sign of the huge ugly brewing trouble that played a part in the attack on me two weeks ago. Maybe I didn't see anything, maybe I didn't want to, or maybe because the Gardai and others are fully aware of what's been going on, something is being done, good on them if so. It was my Limerick on a Saturday again as I briefly popped in to do my prayers and walked back up to the bus, if I'd been feeling better, I would have stayed around, but I got groceries delivered, I'm not in a library mood and I still need to adjust after what happened, I'm not comfortable sitting or stopping in town yet. 

I get the bus to the end of the route where my bike waits for me. It was a funny day for people asking me for all sorts of directions to place and asking when buses were, maybe because I kept my hi-viz vest on, I wear it when I bike to and from the bus and we wear them for litter picking as well, so people must have thought I was someone and they were asking me a range of questions and directions from easy to impossible and I did my best. Ballybunnion and The Crescent Shopping Centre are okay, but don't throw anything more complex at me. Yikes, I think the last one, no matter where I tried to direct them, they'd still end up in the wrong place. 

I knew as I walked through town that my Limerick hasn't gone just because some irrational and violent people attacked me.  The good people are still here and the Spirit of Limerick is stronger than the current troubles. Your arms are still holding me, and my arms are holding you. 

The Limerick Love Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdjRmM0Q0qs

Darkness into Light

Darkness into Light, Limerick 2025. The sun rises behind TUS Moylish Campus now that the walkers are back and everyone is enjoying breakfast. 

I had the great pleasure and honour of being a safety volunteer for Darkness into Light, 2025 after walking in Dublin last year.

I am very lucky that Pieta House. Limerick, is within biking distance of home, and so last week I biked over after college and met the team. I've been in Limerick 8 months, I've not long come out of street homelessness, and this is my first official community role since leaving homelessness. 

Pieta House play a vital role in suicide prevention and support of those affected by suicide, they provide safe and accessible intervention for people feeling suicidal and support for those affected by suicide. I admire them greatly. When I was at college a few years ago, a team came to the college to talk to us about Pieta House and the services offered, and I think it's amazing that they go into college and universities to ensure that students are aware of their services, students can be a vulnerable group to suicide. The Darkness into Light walk raises vital funds for Pieta House while bringing hope to people affected by suicide. Here's a link to their website:

https://www.pieta.ie/

I biked to Mungret to meet the team on Tuesday, nice people, a nice simple meeting, and I was heading home again before long. I decided that biking to the start point for 3 am on Saturday morning would be too much, so I booked a taxi, and because of past taxi experiences, I booked for it to arrive at 2 am.

I was up at 1 am, having gone to bed early. The taxi was early, and I was at the start point for 2.30. We went round putting up signs and banners, and then volunteers were gathering and a group of us went with a security man to the car park and route from the car park.

I ended up on the front line of car parking, which worked well for me, the security man was keeping traffic and pedestrians separate where the road and footpath met, and he was really clear with instructions which was good, and there were no incidents as people parked and gathered. 

There was just one awkward person, who decided he'd force me out of the position I needed to be in in order to direct traffic, he was driving a huge Dublin registered Chelsea Tractor and trying to fit his car into a space too small for his vehicle. He was really rude, and as he squeezed his car into the space, the couple sitting in the car next to his, got out, checked the tiny space between his car and theirs and said to him 'There's not much room there', he ignored them and me, blew cigarette smoke over us all and stalked off. the couple started their car and re-parked it. 

Mayor John Moran parked, and his dog Henri was barking at my arm signals as I directed traffic, I said 'Shh, Henri, it's too early'. It was 4 am and still dark. 

When traffic was all done, I went to the main gathering area and followed the walkers down to the road. A lady with two gorgeous dogs got me to take some photos for her at the doggie start of the the walk. Then I walked up to the road. 

There was a lone female Garda doing the traffic duty on the roundabout, while a Garda van followed the walkers. I stayed there and directed stragglers.

I was there to cheer the runners and walkers back in, and most were nice, one woman was rude to me, no known reason, but people are like that. 1800 walkers and only two people not in the mood for manners. 

When John Moran and his cohort arrived back, towards the end of the walkers, instead of congratulating the Mayor, I congratulated his dog, and they all laughed. 

Then as the glorious sun rose, there was a nice breakfast, sandwiches, pastries and tea and coffee. It was a great atmosphere and I was honoured to be there. 

I walked back into town with my headphones on, very happy. I forget that I'm disabled, and marshal duties are physical. I had thankfully packed a folding walking stick in my bag and when I started struggling, I leaned on that and staggered into town at about 7 am, exhausted and in pain.

I went into church to put my prayers in the basket as usual, got a cup of tea and a copy of the Post, and sat on the wall, feeling as if I'd never get up again...until the leader of another community volunteering project I belong to, came along and asked if I was litter picking, and I said yes, hauled myself up and dragged myself litter picking with the others. 

We had a great morning, the weather was fantastic, and we went for coffee afterwards, it was a great time, but I was absolutely wrecked at the end. I did my library tasks and got some shopping, went home and collapsed for the rest of the weekend. What a fantastic experience! 

Never forget where it all began, 8 months ago, and now here I am, fully registered and belonging. Limerick 10/05/2025

When you suffer trauma

 

King John's Castle and Thomond Bridge, Limerick.

When you suffer trauma, everything can replay in your head over and over, and at the same time you can have feelings of self-blame, worthlessness, badness, I find I'm worse when I have a relapse in the physical illness. 

It is normal to have days of emotion and sadness with trauma, tough but normal, and the best thing to do is rest, look after yourself, try to do something practical or read, listen to music, survive. 

Remember, you are not to blame for everything you've experienced which has hurt you in life, you are not to blame for other people hurting you, and reactions are reactions, be kind to yourself.

I take a vitamin and iron supplement, I find it helps my mood, and if I'm very down, I take some extra vitamin B, not vitamin C or D, vitamin B.

Grit your teeth, survive. Live. You are alive, as REM sings. There is so much hope and potential. It may not seem that way, but get creative and find the hope and potential. 

I'm better than I was yesterday but not up to telling stories about County Clare, so I'll leave it at that, as I struggle with feelings and emotions today, I'll say to you, be kind to yourself and understand that on bad days it is is easy to try to take the blame for the whole world and their crass opinions, but think of the good in you, and most people do have good. I am clean and tidy, honest and quiet and occasionally friendly and gentle.

love, 

A 

Limerick on a Saturday

I am neglecting 'The Road to Shannon' to write on this blog again, tut. And in case you're not indoctrinated, it's not because The Road to Shannon is paved with good intentions, it never was. I just prefer 198 to Shannon now. 

I've not been well. Quite a bad relapse. I have a metabolic or autoimmune condition which relapses and remits, it can hit hard and I am usually in relapse well before I realise it. The condition presents with aches and pains, tiredness not relieved by rest, increased difficulty walking, muscle fatigue and sudden muscle failure, depression, flashbacks, nightmares and disturbed sleep or trouble sleeping at all. 

Relapse isn't surprising as I've been out it very cold and wet conditions all week. It's been an endurance. And it's not just me, a rough sleeper friend who has been homeless most of his life was saying to me he's absolutely sick of this homeless life and the relentless weather.

I did wonder if I've also picked up a cold or virus and the cheap place I stayed recently had someone coughing and sneezing everywhere as well as slamming doors and shouting into their phone all night. I haven't felt well at all. 

I had a bad night and was having bad dreams about the man who left me homeless in Limerick. I went into town in a miserable mood, tired and aching. And then there I was in Limerick and the world became magical again.

As soon as I was in Limerick, people who I knew were around, there were hugs and chats and fist bumps and handshakes and laughter. My mood lifted straight away. I went to church as usual for my Saturday prayer, and sat on my wall as usual. I enjoyed the hustle and bustle of town on a Saturday and I said 'Limerick, I love you'. Limerick whispered back 'My arms are holding you'. As always, every day I'm in Limerick, the Limerick Love Song is in my head. 

Someone who went past told me they'd bring me food, so I waited, and my friend came and sat with me, he wanted to go for coffee but I told him someone was bringing me lunch, so he came back later and we went to a new coffee place, good prices and good coffee, so that was nice. Last week I told him about the man who left me on the streets, and he said 'That's not a friend, this is what friends do, we have coffee, we chat, we relate to each other'. 

Getting out and talking to people is important, especially when you're feeling bad and want to hide away, it can change things. I have had a lovely day in town. Life is tough but good people make it more bearable. Saturday is the best day to be in Limerick, everyone's around.

My arm is being twisted to tell the Clarecastle Mass story, someone in Shannon is going bright red at the thought while she is in Vigil Mass. Go on then.

So in Clarecastle, Mass is the third sport after Hurling and Hurling Missiles. Paddy is a well-known figure in Clarecastle, the missiles miraculously avoid Paddy, everyone loves him, Paddy, he likes his pint, he's a man. 

Paddy is always at Mass 10 minutes early and he has his seat at the front, no one else will take Paddy's seat, it's a small community and everyone knows their place. 

Paddy never misses Mass and is always in his seat. But one Saturday night, one drink turns into another and one story turns into another, and before Paddy knows it, it's morning. He's far from the first to go from drinking to Mass, Philip and the lads used to do this, but poor Paddy, he's taking it slowly down to the church, he's a little weary. 

Paddy is late for Mass! He goes in, his seat is empty, waiting for him. Mass has started but it's only in the first few minutes. Paddy walks up the aisle. He walks to the front. The priest is speaking. 

Paddy goes up, he says to the priest 'Look father, I'm late, you're just going to have to start again from the beginning',

The priest starts the Mass again from the beginning. 

Thanks for being good sports, Clarecastle. I'll do Ennis next.

+++++

When you feel at your worst, don't hide away, go and be among people a bit, even Angela did in The Limerick Love Story: 

Angela looked out into the dark, snow was falling lightly. 4 am. She dressed and headed out quietly, walking down the hill into town. Standing on O'Connell, she gazed at the Christmas lights as she did every day, with the wonder of a young child. She loved the silver teardrops, the coloured tree lights, and the Christmas trees. She watched the snow fall gently through the lights 'Beautiful'. She gathered snow off the low walls and benches to build a small snowman.

The Garda truck was taking it easy in its journey along O'Connell and slowed even more to see a woman building a snowman at 5.30 in the morning. Angela looked up and waved at the watching Gardai. The driver raised his finger and they moved on, deciding she was harmless enough. 'I have to get away from the nightmares' she told the retreating back of the Garda truck, but no one heard her. After a while she went into the gossip cafe and got a tea to take with her to her doorway. 

----

Michael was drained but relaxed from making love to Graeme as he walked through town to work with his coffee, enjoying the pre-Christmas atmosphere and lights. He tutted at Angela sitting on the step in the cold. 'You have a warm bed and breakfast and you've had a chest infection, Angela'. He shivered and pulled his wool coat round him, cold just to look at her in her cloth jacket. 

She sighed 'I have to get away from the nightmares, the bad feeling sometimes' .

Michael nodded 'I'll come and talk to you at lunchtime if you're around. I do understand what you're telling me. Try not to sit too long in the cold or bite too many legs'. 

----

At 12.15 Michael arrived with tea and coffee and a bundle. He handed Angela her tea and sat beside her. 'Drink your tea' he told her when she looked at the parcel he had with him.  She drank some tea, he opened the parcel. 'This is called a coat, it's designed to keep you warm'. 

'Ha'. 

'If you wear your coat, you get your treat, if not, you don't'. 

He could see she was interested but she wasn't going to ask what the treat was. Eventually she held out her hands for the coat, and he gently helped her to put it on, she didn't object. She made a lot of interesting faces and muttered her thanks. 

'Good girl, now gather your things and we'll go to your treat'.

'Where?' 

'I've finished work for the day, I only had a board meeting. We're going home to Graeme for the rest of the day to chill out and relax, have some fun and food'. He saw Angela smiling and he knew she was happy with the arrangement. They drove through the light snow, the snow wasn't impeding driving and didn't make great headway in settling, but enough to delight the children who were already getting hyped up for Christmas, Michael felt sorry for the parents, but remembered he'd have all that to look forward to. 

Angela's O'Connell Street in the snow. 

The time between Christmas and New Year

 27/12/24

It's a good time and a bad time. I'm autistic and suddenly there's no routine, so I have restless sleep, nightmares and flashbacks. But I like the peace and quiet and the potential writing time, although I'm spending too much of it not writing.

Last night I wasn't sleeping, so this morning I was asleep on the sofa, not writing. 

I had a fantastic and very simple Christmas, mainly doing a jigsaw puzzle and watching films, which was all I wanted. I also enjoyed Mass and Christmas Dinner. I had no alcohol and very little by way of goodies, but enough to keep me content. I don't need much for Christmas, just having a roof over my head, warmth, food and tea, made it very special. I enjoyed a good walk on Christmas Day and so many people were out, there were loads of people to exchange greetings with. 

30/12/24

I didn't sleep well last night, again the lack of normal routine got to me a bit, I was having flashbacks about the man who left me on the streets of Limerick and then I was having bad dreams about him. It hurts me eternally that he illegally intercepted and accessed my medical and personal information and then tried to make me out to be nuts after leaving me homeless.

So I'm tired today but today we are almost back to normal, with the usual long day in Limerick, we got to Limerick in the dark with the Christmas lights still shining, and this normality really helped me. I stood on Sarsfield Bridge and looked at the Strand Apartments, which were in total darkness against a brooding heavy sky, amazing.

My Screensaver. Strand against storm clouds.

My next part of the routine was a bit spoiled when I got to the church and found it closed. Christmas does change things, the church usually opens early, long before 8.30 Mass, and today there is no 8.30 Mass. So I went to Arthurs Quay and did my recycling, went to the toilet, and walked down the Quay to look at the Shannon. It's good to be in Limerick again. It is different today, so quiet, especially after the pre-Christmas traffic. It felt so funny, so alien, walking up towards the station and the road so quiet, everything empty and rain-washed, the morning light against the Christmas lights.

It's a strange time. Christmas week. It can be depressing for some, and it's best to keep occupied in any way you can, jigsaw puzzles, housework, children, writing and so on.

I got two excellent books for Christmas, the Writers and Artists Yearbook 2025 and a book called 'The Organised Writer' and I've been reading 'The Organised Writer' as I needed to get my writing projects in order, and it's really helping. I have also been reading a novel called 'Call me Star Girl' which is a bit dark but interesting. I did my jigsaw puzzle and I've been watching films, but I'm still struggling a bit, mainly with trauma to do with the man who left me on the streets of Limerick and the matters surrounding that, and it triggers deeper traumas, so if you're finding things hard at this time of year, you're not alone, and remember, there are crisis hotlines, there are people a phone call away.

Don't suffer in silence. I talked to my friend as we drove into Limerick this morning, and that helped me, and then I've been into the church and talked to God. Keep communicating, this is what helps, and I'm still learning this, as an autistic and traumatised person, I'm still learning that I must reach out. My official supports don't kick in again until next week, and I think despite the bad patches, I've done very well and am doing well, it has been one of my happiest and most peaceful Christmases. 

So here I am, in the ubiquitous coffee shop on O'Connell Street in Limerick, the one where the men talk and talk, and it's another thing about today, the talking men are not here, but I'm glad to have some relative normality. Tomorrow I also have some normality as I go ahead with necessary arrangements for my life, and then we go back into holiday mode until Friday, and after that, well, Christmas is over. 

I hope you're doing well. Don't be alone, well, not too much. I need alone time in large chunks but I can get worse with depression and trauma when I'm alone, so I reach out, and then if I spend too much time with others, I get anxious and stressed, this is why a conventional job is hard for me, why self employment with short shifts for a variety of people is looking to be my best option.

Anyway, Happy New Year, or Peaceful New Year, whichever you'd like to take. Seek company and help if you're struggling, but find a balance, a healthy balance of time alone and time with people, it can be hard to do this in the Christmas week but it's a good idea. Get out of stressful or toxic or alcoholic social situations for your own sake, but don't fester alone.

I'll leave you with the 198 Theme Tune as I'm listening to it now, it is beautiful and life can be beautiful. Limerick is beautiful, if you don't know Limerick, come and visit. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sklYzudgOPU&list=RDsklYzudgOPU&start_radio=1

Platitudes

 Good afternoon.

I was writing a post earlier but blogger deleted it, then the handyman arrived to measure up and I was in pyjamas and the houswork wasn't done.

Then there was another post and it's not finished. So I'm just going to write this one.

Vulnerable and disabled people do suffer a lot of being misunderstood and treated unfairly and as if we aren't valid. And when we stand up for ourselves, get angry, sometimes that makes people's attitude to us even worse. Take heart, it's not just you, people can be shitty. But platitudes can be the worst when you're struggling, the glib fake-wise repeated stuff that people come out with because they think it will solve you.

• This one is a favourite of the church 'God will never send you more than you can handle'. So are they saying it's your own fault you can't handle what is sent? Or are they suggesting that God is up there calculating what you can handle and then throwing troubles at you? Don't you believe it, God isn't that petty, bad things happen to good people and you shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to handle crisis.
• People make their own happiness - really? None of us are beset with disasters we had no control over and none of us suffer pain and loss, we can just make our own lives as we please? That wretched platitude was said to me by a millionaire who had never known hardship, at a time where I was homeless and suffering. Yes mate. 
• What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Nope, I have survived a lifetime of suffering and trauma, trauma leaves you with weaknesses. You may have found the strength and courage to get through, you may be gritting your teeth at tough times but there's nothing helpful in someone saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So tell them to walk a mile in your shoes, post the shoes back and stay a mile away.
• There's a lesson in every trial we endure. Yes, the lesson is not to listen to idiots when we are in crisis or suffering.

That's as much as I'm saying for now. Just trust yourself, no one knows you better than you, and other people who don't understand what it is like to be you and have your life do not always know better than you. Stand up for yourself, but try to do it calmly, my experience is that anger makes things worse. I'm still learning. 

Remember that what other people say is not necessarily true. We are human and have a habit of swallowing what we're told, especially if it is a popular saying and often bandied around, it doesn't mean it's true or that it's true for you! You know you best, and the strongest thing you can do for yourself is back yourself and believe in yourself no matter what other people say or do. Not always easy, believe me I know. But you back you and do whatever you can to help yourself and never mind other people being glib or criticizing you.

Here are my 'Platitudes' for you. 'Choose Life', 'Life is limitless, there is always more' and 'Back yourself'. 

You can be your own best friend, best resource and guiding light, you can find ways forward, sometimes that means going through the pain of letting go of people or places, but don't let go of life, it may not be easy, but there are ways forward. I say this as someone who chose life and to find out what life can offer, when I will always suffer from what I've been through. And the health services can be frustratingly useless with trauma survivors, but life is well worth living.

Patchworld

It's a patchworld, not perfect. My mother was a patchwork quilter, she patchworked like mad, and all her creations were unique. I once read a story about a woman who was creating a patchwork from life, the dark patches and the light. I didn't know my birth mother well, but I remember she was an outstanding quilter, and it's quite a skill, making each patch fit and belong. Life can be that quilt. 

I get dropped off in Limerick and I walk over Sarsfield Bridge in the early morning. I always stop and look at the Strand Apartments in the dark. I love looking at the Shannon in the dark with the lights shining but I also look over at the Strand Apartments, which tend to be mostly in darkness at all hours, even though the 2017 scandal where a corporate landlord tried to evict all their tenants there was so long ago.

I'm just recovering from an episode of my life where someone took me over, messed with my head, gaslit me, and among other things, promised me a wonderful HAP tenancy, in the many changes of potential tenancy, he offered me tenancies at the Strand Apartments, but in the end I realised there was no tenancy, he was messing with me. He left me on the streets of Limerick, shattered.

I am very grateful to all who stepped forward and helped me when I landed on the streets of Limerick and helped me towards what may be a more hopeful future. The patchwork of life brings both dark and light patches. We are not superhuman, things that happen to us affect us, and we have to find ways of finding the light patches, easier said than done when you're shrieking 'What light patches?!' I know, I've been there. 

My days on the streets of Limerick quickly developed into a routine. I always had my music in my ears and I would listen to songs such as 'By your side' by 10th Avenue North as I walked around the town, stood on Sarsfield Bridge or walked down to my storage unit at the Docks. That song is a real Limerick song for me now, it's great for walking to, and I'm autistic so I play it on repeat. I used to go in the church and pray for help in the early morning, and even when help came, I have always included the church in my early morning routine. I stop on the bridge, I go the church, I get my cup of tea, and I go to Arthurs Quay, in that order. I am typical autistic, I like my routines. 

I was hungry in my early days in Limerick, I found the daily soup run unwelcoming and too chaotic, and I have a tendency to hang back when there's noise and stress, I was going hungry, so as I sat on the street, I put up a little sign saying 'Hungry, please feed'. You know how autistic people put things exactly how they are sometimes. 'Hungry, please feed'. Someone obliged, and I was so happy to have a full tummy that I put up a sign with a smiling face saying 'Smile!' At the time, a female drug addict who was constantly bothering me came along and started abusing me for the sign. 

It turned out all I had to say to this addict every time she bothered me was 'Stop making a fool of yourself, addict, go home' and she'd go. A lot of addicts don't like someone saying to their face that they're an addict. I'm autistic, no one else would actually call someone an addict out loud, I'm very naughty, but she was being hurtful. 

Anyway, a few weeks later, I was sitting there watching the world, and a lovely young woman came along, she told me she'd seen my 'Smile' sign and she'd been feeling down, and she was inspired that a homeless woman with nothing could hold up a sign like that, and she'd gone away smiling. She was really nice, we talked for a while and she got me some food, but it made me think, I managed to get some bright patches alongside the dark ones.

I have survived all kinds of hell and horror and I have to live day to day with flashbacks and terrible memories, nightmares, night terrors and self doubt, but I live, and I rejoice in life. I love seeing the Shannon and the lights in the dark first thing in the morning and as I walk back in the evening. I love the cold dark winter days and nights, beautiful, I love the Christmas lights, I love Limerick. There is so much in life, and as I learned when I was youngster being used as slave labour on a farm, there is always more, this isn't it, and things won't stay like this forever, no matter what your situation. In my case, I want things to stay as they are, I want the long days in Limerick and the rest days in that little place out in the countryside to be forever, but they won't last, winter will pass and I will move into the town and onto the next step in my life. Live every moment and find reasons to live, and do as I did with the fake tenancies man, at great cost, get away from people who hurt you, the hurt will last, heartbreak is real, yes, but find ways to live with it, maybe write a blog. Writing things out, drawing it, painting it, cartooning it, talking it out, will help. 

As I said, I don't get paid to mention anything, I'm not advertising, but as I mentioned the song earlier, I find music essential to soothe and cope with daily life, and I'm always reading helpful books. A recent one is 'You will get through this night' by Daniel Howell. It's very comprehensive and if you're struggling you may find it helpful.

Stopping and looking at the world rather than hurrying past it can really help when you're feeling bad. I find looking at the Shannon so helpful. Life isn't just problems and looking and seeing the world doesn't need to wait until holiday time, if you have any holiday. Stop and see the world now. Even big inner city built up areas have charms worth looking at, indeed you can ponder for hours on how long and how many people it might take to remove all the rubbish. 

Surviving Christmas

This is a long post, I'm chattering away like the old men in the cafe again. 

The thing with Christmas is, it's not about alcohol, don't let anyone tell you that it is or insist you drink, if they do, get away from them, you deserve better. Christmas doesn't even need to be about parties, they are a nice option rather than something it kills you to be left out of. Look after yourself. 

I was once given some advice by a good person. I was facing another difficult Christmas and I asked 'Why does everyone else get to have fun and have a good time and not be alone at Christmas?'

She said to me 'It's an illusion, not everyone is having a good Christmas, there are many people fearful, unhappy, lonely, getting into debt in order to provide Christmas for their loved ones, suffering violence, facing homelessness, family fights, breakups, and many many more problems. All you can do is try to make some Christmas for yourself as best you can'. She was right, and I'll talk about making Christmas later. 

That Christmas, I had to flee where I was, running down the road in the snow with no shoes on, utterly broken, suffering devastating and lasting damage, and there was nowhere to go, no food, nothing but huge pain. I crept into a church left unlocked after Mass, and drank Holy Water from the font because I was so thirsty. The termperature was minus 10 and blizzards. I was as helpless as the Baby Jesus when He was born. I couldn't make much of that Christmas, but I have never forgotten what that wise lady said to me, which helped me to understand that Christmas simply isn't good for everyone every year. Christmas is a time of year, the same as May 9th or October 11th, it's a time. And we cannot produce a good Christmas every year, and what is a good Christmas? Do we have to travel back to old times with thick snow and everything sparkling perfect in the way films and videos depict it? Life is changing and so is Christmas, some elements stay the same, company, food, music, lights and decorations, church for some of us, gifts, parties, and so on, but we can have autonomy and make Christmas, the season, more flexible to suit us, we can make it more ours, and we can be reminded that other people aren't all having a perfect Christmas. 

Now, humour break, let me tell you about last Christmas, I hope you find it as funny as I now do, it wasn't at the time, it was mad.

Ireland has a shortage of dentists. I was living in Dublin but house sitting at Killaloe in County Clare at the beginning of December last year and I realised, after a lot of telling myself to stop being fussy and weak, that I was in agony from a toothache, a molar, one of them big back teef. There were not dentists available in Dublin, so I sat there in Kilaloe, enjoying the stunning view across Lough Derg, and I searched for emergency dental treatment. I found Dublin Dental Hospital, a teaching hospital for Trinity College. I had a medical card so I was entitled to free treatment and I asked the hospital, unsure, if I could attend their emergency department. They told me I could, but I may or may not be deemed an emergency. 

I came home to Dublin and into another house sit for a family who were going for a long break to their family in the USA, and I attended the dental hospital emergency department. They deemed me an emergency very quickly and had me admitted for day surgery, a complex extraction. An extraction like that is a major job and I needed stitches and was told to rest up and be very careful. 'Fine' I thought 'It's a few days before Christmas and all I will be doing is relaxing with television and writing, walking the dogs I'm minding, and going to church'. 

Yeah, right. The three dogs I was minding weren't trained, had to stay on the lead, and had no garden at their little house, so I had to take them out frequently. And one of them was an escape artist who never came back if she escaped. She got away from me, there was no one around to help, and I had to chase her, really chase her, she was a lurcher by the way and she wanted to eat as many squirrels as possible before I caught her. A few hours of huge stress and effort and I got her. The tooth socket was bleeding heavily though, I nearly ended up back in the dental hospital. I had to contact them for advice, on the afternoon of the Friday before the Christmas weekend. 

To be honest, I was happier to be recovering from a major dental operation over Christmas than I would have been if I'd been in pain over Christmas and I had a roof over my head and everything I needed to aid recovery, rather than being on the streets. Now let me tell you something, I was homeless while I did these house sits. I have done house sitting for years and am well referenced, but house sitting now got me off the streets at Christmas, literally, yes really, I would have been on the streets for Christmas without that house sit. So there I was, Christmas day with these rather lively dogs, first thing, I walked them down along the docks and back first thing, needing to get showered and go down to the RDS for the Christmas Day Community Meal - if you are alone this Christmas, it's worth looking up community Christmas events by the way - anyway, I got home with the dogs, hurrying to shower, dress and go, put the key in the lock, and the lock broke, the door wouldn't open. Christmas day, stuck outside the house, three dogs getting restless and mad and I needed to be showered and dressed and off to the RDS asap. And guess what? I didn't have my phone with me, it was in the house! 

Thank God for the neighbours, going out to do their charity walk, that one in Ireland where people walk a short distance on Christmas Day for charity. They saw my distress and came over, and tried and tried to help me to open the door before giving up as there was no hope. They fortunately had phone numbers for the family and the emergency contact family member of the people I was house and pet sitting for and they called him and went off, leaving me alone with three furious dogs. 

In the meantime I managed to get into the house. There was a small glass panel among the door panels and I could see it had been removed before, someone had been locked out before. I carefully removed the panel and tried the lock from inside, and to my relief, it unlocked and were in! I went to the shower, and at that moment the emergency contact turned up, I recounted everything, the poor man had been on the northside (the other side of Dublin) with his girlfriend, just trying to survive Christmas himself, and here he was after a confusing phone message and he arrived to find I'd got into the house. He kindly took the dogs for a longer walk while I showered, and then he dropped me off at the RDS, it was a better outcome of a nearly ruined day. I was treated like a Princess at the RDS and surrounded by friends old and new, it was a fantastic Christmas Day and I was even given a lift home, laden down with gifts and very happy, to rest, watch films and write, and of course walk those dogs again. To me, it was a good Christmas despite everything. It's a question of seeing the good in it. The lock itself had been very badly fitted and it breaking was the fault of the person fitting it, it was just luck it waited until Christmas Day to break, the door had another lock and so the house was secure until the locksmith arrived a few days later, the glass panel was easy enough to secure. 

As I write this, it's a beautiful Sunday in December, we survived Storm Darragh without losing power out here. I'm going to Mass with with my friend shortly, and I'm just thinking about old friends and Christmas. 

I've lost two friends at Christmas, five years apart, both from cancer. One friend lived with cancer for 5 years and tried everything, including drug trials, but she died in the end. The second friend was already dying of cancer when she was diagnosed, and I remain angry with the medical practice who were also my medical practice and persistently failed me as well, they kept sending her away and treating her like a malingerer, as they did with me, she was dying by the time they actually took her seriously (In my case they never took me seriously but I proved them wrong, but that's another story), so anyway, my friend was dying when she was diagnosed in the October, and the last time I saw her alive was Christmas Day evening, after dinner and dog walks, she gave me a hug and a kiss and said goodbye, and that was the last time I saw her alive. She was loved and she lived a lot of life, she and I met because we were volunteers together in a charity shop, a cancer care shop. Now, let me talk about my first friend who had died of cancer at Christmas 5 years before. 

My friend was hugely popular, she knew everyone in the village and everyone in the town and everyone everywhere in between. She was everything, she was in the choir in the village, she was in the choir in the cathedral, she was head of floral art at the church, she was head of everything, she was on every committee, she did everything, knew everything, and she had a family, a big close family and extended family, she was full of life and always smiling, laughing, talking loudly with everyone and grabbing my hand as she talked to everyone when I came over to her after church. She was a good friend to me when I was still young and struggling badly with the after-effects of my childhood, she would send me texts saying 'Just hold my hand' if she knew I was facing challenges. I loved my friend and I always remember her smiling.

She died naturally one Christmas after years of fighting, seeking new treatments, praying and sending newsletters to us all about her cancer. She drifted into sleep and stopped waking up. She was at peace with the world and looking forward to meeting Jesus. Her funeral was so well-attended that a marquee had to be put up outside the church with a video link. 

There's a lot more to the story than I'm telling you here, but I remember my two friends dying at Christmas as another Christmas approaches, but I remember without breaking down with grief, because time has passed, life has moved on dramatically since those deaths, new friends have come and gone and stayed. I loved those two friends, and they will remain in my memory and in my heart. For me, Christmas isn't marred by their deaths, but the memories will be part of my Christmas. The memories of those two friends and Christmases spent with them. 

I'm just going to share something about the friend who battled cancer for 5 years. She was popular and very well known, was part of so much. But I was away overseas for a long time after her death. I came back and went to visit her grave. The small square memorial stone where her ashes were placed. Despite her popularity and the many family, friends, clubs and societies, her little memorial stone was overgrown and with just a dead primrose in a pot from the spring. She had been so popular in life, so loved, so special, but people had moved on, kept her memory but finished grieving, to different degrees. 

Suicide to 'Make someone pay' or to make someone feel guilty for life or to spite someone or even as a result of unkind things they've said, doesn't pay off. Because no matter how popular, or loved or special someone is, when they die, people may grieve or feel sad or sorry, but eventually they move on, and then the person who died simply isn't there. It is better to live, and live life to the fullest that we can, because this life is all we know and we have to make the best of it.

If you can't make a Christmas for yourself, remember it's only a time, it's only a date, never mind what anyone else is doing, you can't see that they may be having problems too. Christmas is a date, a time, like September 10th, October 11th, May 9th, but unfortunately Christmas tends to start in November, intensify to the end of December and go into January, so yeah, it takes a while and a bit of strength to get through it if you're struggling for whatever reason. It can be done, don't give up. It isn't forever, and next Christmas may be better. 

Here are a few reasons people struggle at Christmas:

• Financial concerns
• Death of a loved one
• Domestic Violence
• Abuse of any kind
• Arrests, criminal or civil proceedings
• Family tensions
• Homelessness
• Divorce or relationship breakup
• New baby 
• Loss of a baby
• Bad memories
• Conflict
• Fraud
• Job loss
• Disasters such as fire and flood. 
• Car accident - from experience the roads get dangerous around this time. 
• Having to work - I was a delivery driver in winter - see the last bullet point. 

That's a few, add your own. Christmas is far from merry for more people than we realise. I will not go back to that list and tell you I've been through a number of those at Christmas and I won't tell you which ones, but Christmas, depicted as 'Merry and Bright', just isn't Merry and Bright for everyone.

I was once walking home from Midnight Mass in England, I was on my own as my church didn't do Midnight Mass and so I was a guest at another church near my home. In England they include communion wine and not just the wafer as they do in Ireland and France. I don't drink, so that's the only wine I would have all Christmas, but I thought I'd had too much when I saw the bus coming up the road towards me on the wrong side of the one-way road.

The road had been closed and the bus sent back because a man had been killed on the road outside the pub, he was killed by a single punch. 

I sidestepped the terrified chaos at the pub and walked down to the sea, looking at the waves in the dark, I thought of someone else who had died there, and someone who was in prison for 17 years, my thoughts and memories were dark. The friends and family of the man who'd been killed by a single blow would be marking Christmas as the anniversary of his death forever. Such things although they fade, they are never erased, and grief can live on forever if a closed loved one - a partner, parent or child dies this way.

You are not alone, Christmas and pre-Christmas go on for a while, they change normal ways of life, routines, work patterns, and if something goes wrong at Christmas it can be so much worse than in 'normal time'. I haven't told you my worst Christmases but I can tell you about some things which help me to get through and to enjoy Christmas. Not all of this will apply to everyone, it's just thoughts based on what I do. 

• Keep an open mind and don't 'hate' Christmas, just let it be Christmas, from November onwards, let the beautiful lights and cheerful music and events and everything be there, don't avoid them, the lights in town, the trees everywhere, the music, they can be all yours to enjoy, the church festively decked out and open for private prayer, so nice, so cheerful, so hopeful, and free to everyone. Christmas is part of life, it will keep coming back, just let it be. 
• No Christmas Dinner? It's not essential, there's no rule. If you want Christmas Dinner and there's a community meal, they are good, they are great and you'll meet people, unless you don't want to, and the organisers will find you a corner on your own. If you don't want or need or can't get a dinner, it is personal choice. I remember one year, no money, alone, and all I could get was some chicken wings, which I cooked and shared with the 9 cats I was minding. It was okay. Another year I was with my friend who was dying, for Christmas Day, and the next day I went to a person who I knew was alone over Christmas and I cooked us a full Christmas meal and we celebrated Christmas together that St. Stephen's Day. Christmas is a lot more flexible than people imagine and flexibility, something different, can make a memorable Christmas, can start traditions. 
• No cards, no presents? Let me tell you, you can have as many as you like. I remember one year I was close to suicide, things were terrible, one of the things that kept me alive was that I got a list of the names of every resident in the nearby retirement and nursing home, a big place, and I found out if they preferred to be known by first name or 'Mr/Mrs' as older people sometimes do, and I wrote out a card for all of them. I made a lot of new friends, but I was told by the activities co-ordinator that it made Christmas very special for some of those people who had no card. I'm not boasting, but it made my Christmas, it helped me to turn away from suicide, because I reached out and people reached out to me in return, not just residents who were delighted to get a card, but the staff too, and families of residents. I made friends. Now these days I wrap many many presents for people who I will never meet and who very much deserve them and will be delighted with them. I am a volunteer with the national Shoe Box appeal and I wrap hundreds of gifts. So you can have as many presents and cards as you can ever handle, just send them to other people. No one except shallow people will be looking at you yourself and judging how loved or unloved you are judging by what you actually get for Christmas yourself, and you don't have to discuss it or tell anyone what you get or don't get. As an adult, and I'm assuming my readers are adults, we don't 'need' presents, but they are nice, aren't they? I know, but I like my presents to be the ones sent to children in poverty and cards to be sent to lonely older people. Be nice for Christmas, don't feel downhearted that it's not an easy Christmas, personal presents and cards are a nice option. Keep in mind, if you can't afford to get someone something they want for Christmas, you can tell them, and if they love you, they'll understand, you can talk about it. A small gift with love is better than a gift you can't afford, just to please someone. 
• The whole Christmas experience. There are always Christmas markets dotted around, they are great fun to visit, very atmospheric, and don't worry, most people can't buy anything there, it's the atmosphere, the experience. I can't buy anything, but I love to go.  Any music device has Christmas songs and carols, and I'm listening to those Christmas songs from November onwards and just enjoying the upbeat themes, the memories of old Christmases and the familiarity of the songs at this time of year. I watch Christmas lights tours on YouTube. Christmas craft materials are very cheap, I love making wreaths and decorations, and as for traditional decorations, as cheap as 10 cents a piece at the charity shop. Then there's my favourite thing, the advent calendar. But mine is a special advent calendar, keep in mind again that I am not paid for mentions or links or anything, I get the Jacqui Lawson interactive advent calendar on my devices. If any element is missing from your Christmas, you can have it artificially on the Jacqui Lawson calendar. Decorating trees, making Christmas biscuits and recipes, wrapping presents, taking part in Christmas activities, building snowmen, and much more. I have that underpinning my every Christmas, no matter what is missing due to poverty, homelessness, domestic problems or whatever. Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus, it may not be his correct birthday but nonetheless, it's a celebration, it's meant to be fun.  Christmas to suit you is simple and relatively cheap to put together, never mind what others do or expect, Christmas isn't just for others, it's for you as well. I have been to numerous houses of millionaires and wealthy and powerful people at Christmas, yes I really have, because I worked for the big houses and lived in wealthy areas, and all I can tell you is, they don't have a better time than people who are struggling but choose to be happy, because to wealthy families, it is hard to make Christmas more than just another day surrounded by good things, they aren't necessarily happy, indeed I have yet to meet a very wealthy person who is happy.
• Christmas is a holiday, things are different. I may be autistic but I say rejoice in it, if you're off work, watch films and programmes, there's loads of good stuff on, relax, enjoy the differentness of the time, get extra rest, do different things, go for walks if you can, put the mobile phone down. Work shifts at Christmas are unique, different, more chocolatey, and sometimes a good opportunity to earn some extra money. Sometimes I used to do the job of 5 drivers because the others were off drunk, but the money was fantastic. The Christmas week, when everything is down is also a good time enjoy change and difference, to make some New Year's Revolutions, plan for change in the new year.
• Christmas is no time for drinking to excess and feeling terrible, it's a time for you, and for looking after yourself, for overcoming bad feelings and ending the year as positively as possible even if things are tough. Sometimes it's time to make that resolution to make sure things change for the better, that tough resolution to leave, end or change the situation which has been making Christmas so hard. 

If you're struggling with Christmas, hang on for my sake, I want you to be okay. See if things get better in the new year, face it with determination and fight for you, for your best interests.

First Post, nice to meet you.

Good morning, 

I am so glad that you are here and reading this, I'm honoured. This is my first blog post for this blog (I've been blogging for 14 years), this is the first post on the 198 blog, although by the time you read it, it may not be the only post on the blog. It's nice to have some company on the blog, so if you're reading this, hi, I'm pleased to connect with you. Here we are on a street corner called 198 Street, and I'd like to talk to you, because your life is precious and special, no matter how you're feeling - hey, it's okay, I'm not an evangelist, even if I started to sound like one for a second, okay I have been known to hand out tracts for Rob in Dublin - tell him I quit over no pay rise if you see him - but this is about life, your life, my life, our connection and the fact that I want you to live, to live and to see how life is worth living. 

Unusually for me, a quiet person, I'm doing all the talking, like the old men in the cafe over there on O'Connell. They're there every day, they almost live there, and they talk, oh they talk, they never stop talking, when I sit in there with my tea, my ears ache. I'm talking to you though, because you looked up this blog, for whatever reason, perhaps because you are finding it hard to live but you are looking for reasons to live. I'm glad you came here, It's a big responsibility for me, so I hope that I can help you. Okay so I'm going to ramble like the old men, but please do join me on this ramble, I'd love your company. If you want to grab a cup of tea or coffee or whatever it is, you can pretend we're in the cafe and I'm talking your ears off. 

Keep in mind, I'm an amateur, not an expert not a mental health professional, don't replace a professional with my writing, I'm an extra, and so on and blablabla - don't groan every time mental health is mentioned...believe me, I know, I know that reactions, distress, trauma, psychological damage and other desperate situations are labelled 'mental health' and this can cause distress and trauma to already distressed people and make it hard to seek help, especially when the news and the public and their precious social media start chanting 'history of mental health problems' whenever an act of public violence occurs, although these days they also unhelpfully use the terms 'migrant' and 'terrorist' as well. Am I being controversial? I'm autistic, I am habitually controversial, contrary, and apparently occasionally incorrigable, but what I want you to know is that I understand that desperation, despair and circumstances that drive people to feeling that they can't live, are life circumstances, but when someone takes their life, it is always labelled as 'mental health problems' and people are always told to 'talk to someone if they're having feelings'. Now I understand where it comes from, but I do sometimes wish the press and people would change the bloody record! I'm speaking as a survivor of attempted suicide (non recent) who knows it's not always as simple as 'talk to someone' because no amount of talking was stopping the people who were hurting me, who I attempted suicide to get away from. I didn't die or get away from my abusers, who's reign of horror over my life never really ended and still affects me now, but now as I write this, I am relatively safe and have a good quality of life. 

However, I would say that talking is the right thing to do, if and however you can, because talking relieves what you're carrying and helps you to feel better, and talking means you're not alone, I am autistic and have been conditioned wrongly and habitually shy away from company and conversation but I know that I need to talk sometimes and that it is the best thing for me, it just has to be the right person, someone who respects my confidences and privacy and understands me. We can't all 'phone the Samaritans' but if you're feeling in a dead end, desperate, overwhelmed, do talk to someone and see if it changes perspective, never mind the public and media or popular view of desperation and despair. Do talk, do reach out, and make sure you reach out to safe understanding people, people who will listen and hear you, not people who will criticise you. 

If you are suffering, if you are desperate because you are trapped in abuse of any kind, or you've suffered great loss that you can't get over, if you feel responsible for something that's happened, if you feel worthless or a burden, no one should be making your feelings and reactions out to be an illness, reaction is not an illness, it is human, if we didn't react, by paradox, we also might be considered ill. You are human, hang onto my hand and stay alive, believe me when I say wholeheartedly that it isn't always easy to hang on but it's worth it. In my case I got to a point where I could choose to die or choose to live and live with what has happened and how it will affect me for the rest of my life. I chose to live, I want you to live. 

Does it help you to know that everyone suffers, everyone goes through problems? Maybe not, sounds a bit glib, doesn't it? People who make such comments can make your head explode because such comments don't always help. I remember being horrified as a teenager, when my landlady told me that life is about problems and once you've overcome one lot, the next lot comes along. Having just escaped an upbringing of unremitting abuse, neglect and violence, I thought I was now in paradise, problems over, despite the fact that I was so badly maladjusted to the normal world that I was in real difficulties and of course vulnerable to future abuse. Everyone does suffer, but in different ways and to different degrees, and just because we don't see another person's suffering and problems doesn't mean they don't have them. 

Life doesn't just need to be about the problems and focussing on them, accept the problems are a part of life but live despite them and with them, also, in another post I may talk about how to create your own problems in order to improve your life, challenging yourself in order to grow. Life is about life, and life is limitless, it really is, you might think it can't be because of your own circumstances, but it is. We can't always do what we really want to do, the way we want, but we can find ways round the roadblocks, we can re-draw the map, we can fight for what we believe, we can change how we feel and relate to people and situations and we can do the impossible, because we are alive, and we have great power and strength in us, we have life force and each person can be autonomous rather than relying on others for who we are to be. 

It's important to stay alive and keep that tremendous power and use if for good. So hang on. In Stephen King's book 'Dreamcatcher' one of the non human beings was describing to Ralph how the power he and Louis were using was like sand on a beach, it didn't run out. While you are alive, your life force, your inner strength and power are limitless like sand on a beach, you may not feel strong right now, indeed you may feel fatigued, but inner strength is a bottomless well. There are ways forward, it's just a question of finding them. We have to find ways of living what we're living with and living the best life that we can, and sometimes making the changes to do this can be daunting, traumatic, risky.  

Let me pause there. I'm autistic and I'm off for a shave. Yeah, I know I'm female, but these days we're all equal. I'm just thinking about a book called 'A Manual for Heartache' by Cathy Rentzenbrink. This is a cracking book, maybe a little triggering for some, but really really good if you're suffering. I read it during a patch of severe depression and it snapped me out of the depressive fit. If you can get a copy from the library or book shop, I'd recommend it. I am not advertising books or getting paid for any sales as a result of people using my blog, not at this point in time. I will simply recommend books, actions and attitudes which help me, so that you can decide if they help you, I hope something I suggest will help you but we are all different and we are in different circumstances. One of the challenges of this blog is that it can be viewed by people in all kinds of situations, and I have to keep it general. 

A very useful thing I learned which helps me is that when people try to push me towards what they think is right is to stop and think and say 'Is this for me, or is it what the other person wants or has been led to believe is right?' Let me give you an example, not everyone knows a lot about depression or other conditions, but one thing people repeat to someone they think is depressed, because 'they've heard it helps' is that things like art and exercise will help. Now you and I know that everyone is different, so one size doesn't fit all. Let me tell you, I was forced into art over and over again, I'm not an artist and I'm no good, so it was demeaning and unproductive, I am disabled and the exercises that people are determined would help me was tough on me and made me tired, which doesn't help depression. 

What you need is things that you enjoy. I am no artist and am not interested in art, but I'm a writer, I love writing and am bursting with writing, I need to write, writing helps me. I cannot do exercise classes and they hurt me, but I walk, I walk at my own pace, I will always struggle a bit with walking, but walking is what I can do, as long as I wear boots and am careful. So those are the things I can do and which help me, versus what other people decided what was best for me. You too may be misadvised and under pressure to do things which aren't right for you. Time to stop, say no, and choose the activities which you love and which help you. It's your life force and your power, you need to do what's best for you. Start by hanging onto that precious life of yours and understanding that it is your soul and mind and no-one else's, do what's best for you and live. What's best for you won't usually harm you, if it harms you, it's not what's best for you.

• Thought. If someone is hurting you, if someone is harming you. Get away from them, or if you can't, create safe boundaries and understand that that person should not be hurting you. It is not easy to get away from people such as family members and people in authority over you, but do get help and advice, talk it through with someone, or create safe boundaries, understand that that person should not be hurting you and that you need distance and you need to use your strength to know it's not okay for someone to hurt you even if they do not do it intentionally and you need space and boundaries. This isn't easy. You need your strength, your life force, to ensure safe boundaries. 
• Thought 2. You will know what is best for you more than another person will, even sometimes a professional, so stand up for yourself and do what helps you. You'd be surprised how many people simply go along with others to avoid conflict or because they think other people know best. Don't just drop treatments or help or support for the sake of it in your new quest to help yourself though, only if something is not helping you or doing more harm than good and if that's the case, discuss it with a professional. You may not like some forms of help, but if they are helping and not harming you, persist. It's a balance. Look after yourself. Look for every possible way to help yourself and improve your life. In my early days of trying to learn to be 'normal' as a teenager, I was left doing slave labour on remote land on a farm and no one cared about me, so I would take self help books and tapes with me, I would listen to self help tapes as I worked and would read self help books in my break. It was a grim time, but I was doing my best to help myself while everyone around me was failing me. Invest in yourself, through help being offered, as long as it does help, and through help you find for yourself, and there are limitless resources, never stop looking.

Bad things happen to good people, unjust things happen. Don't give up on life. Every day you go on living, things move forwards, bad people may be brought to justice by others if your efforts for justice fail, bad people die or move away, bad systems change, grief and shock become easier to bear, new people come along, new starts, new happiness, new ways of life. Life is very fluid. If that sounds a little glib, I'm speaking from experience and I've been through all kinds of hell and horror, and although the hell and horror is indelible and it happened, I chose life and I want to help other people to choose life. Never give up hope. 

One of the things that really helps me to live, survive and thrive is autonomy, choosing my own way and not needing to rely on others completely for approval or opinion. There is only one me, I am alive, I will do what I want, need and feel is best to live the best life I can. I won't be a better person by following the crowd and feeling the need to do what others are doing, I will be a better person by looking after myself as well as I can and finding new ways to develop and help myself.