Back on the chain gang

 After an unwanted break from volunteer work, I managed to get a shift, weekends for a few hours, community work. I'm delighted. 

I was very happy to do my first shift at the weekend. And it's exactly what I want to be doing. 

Our local volunteer centre is a bit lacklustre, where the Dublin ones used to pursue me with shifts, the local one is hard to communicate with, and the other group I worked with changed leadership and also became difficult to get hold of. 

I am determined, so I found something to do in the end. And the best cure for all ills is volunteer work, even if it can make me feel like collapsing physically. But like everything, I will work to overcome, and see if I can get some strength back. 

Apart from that, I am busy with the pursuit of publishing, and also writing poems, and now competing in poetry contests. 

That's about all for now. Life is a whirlwind, there's an imminent Dublin trip, so much going on. 

Life force, power, pure joy. 

Letting Go

 Good afternoon and so on. 

I am working on self-help. YouTube has some great CBT videos, there are series, well worth it. 

Being flexible and believing in change help. 

I have been using a CBT programme to see how best to cope with my wrong wiring, and one thing I'm learning about is to channel the intensity which comes from being wired wrong. To focus the panicked instinctive life and death mode which comes from real life and death situations in my past. Essentially using my brain in different ways will help. I was advised of some apps to help keep my brain focused and training, the brain is quite able, some neurological pathways are dark, I am hopeless with lines and numbers, logic. But I decided from recent events that nothing is impossible, I may as well try to wake that part of my brain. 

It's the weekend so I am watching videos while also doing poetry and short story entries. Life has so much in it. I described this while in peer support like this: 

'There are so many stars in the sky'. During recent times stars have come into my musical sound-track for life. Two songs especially, 'The Call' by Regina Spektor 'Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow where it leads...' and then from the recent Christmas 'God Bless us every one' from 'A Christmas Carol' - 'Star by Star in the Sky and kindness by human kindness, let me love till I die and God bless us every one'. Both songs are about change, revolution. A Christmas Carol is about someone waking up, coming out of their cave, and I hope that's what I'm doing. The Call is often linked to action film sound tracks but the words are interesting. 

Another Song I like at the moment is 'The Cave', I always did, some songs from my past have moved to the present. The Cave has a lot in it which not everyone will hear, it goes from The Bible to Odysseus to the analogy of The Cave and boots around many things while being a modern song about relationships and reactions. It reminds me strongly of recent events in my life and how some of those events woke me with a jolt. 

Life changes, evolves, revolves, it's better to evolve than be stuck. Sometimes change means letting go, and it can hurt, and it can be uncertain when you're letting go of one thing to grab another. 

Build a sky full of stars, so when you have to let go of a thing, person or place which you loved or bonded to, you can look at your other stars and keep going forward. 

Life Force

 I hope you're settling into the new year well. 

My revolutions are going okay. I don't use any sugar in my tea. 

The other day I did my initial suicide prevention training. I have first aid first response but suicide training is equally necessary. 

You may have read my previous post. This is about the two suicidal people who I had to help.

Life Force 198: It's hard to know what to do when you're actually confronted by it

 It's good to have training and I will go on and do more training. 

When people are suicidal, it is like being in a dark tunnel with no light, no way out. People are precious, we have to look after them and support them. The most important things people need in that dark tunnel, is people with them and support. 

Support is important. It seems, after all this time and struggle, I have more support. It certainly makes a difference to me. We all need someone to turn to, a friendly face, a friendly place, a cup of tea. 

We all need to talk, to get things off our chest, however unimportant, how we don't like a new TV show, and how we don't fancy Cillian Murphy, and so on, just talking, reaching out. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to reach out but I needed to. We all need to link in with others, even if we like a lot of time alone as I do. 

As I mentioned at Christmas, I got obsessed with 'A Christmas Carol, the Musical' and I love the lines from the song 'Let us love till we die, and God Bless us, every one'. 

By the way, here's a link to great life lessons: 145 Life Lessons Everyone Needs to Learn

I'm not paid for links, it's something I found useful and agree with a number of the lessons. 

Happy New Year from Lifeforce198

 

Happy New Year in a few hours! 

What am I up to? Writing out New Year's prayers, worrying - nothing new, listening to music, sorting photo albums and files, and so on. 

How do I see the New Year in? With tea of course, with the London Fireworks live, again I give a nod to that awful country for New Year. I do New Year's Revolutions, because it's more fun, and I have a bottle of 198 champagne on hand - Apple and Elderflower sparkling water. 

So, what a year, highlights? Being violently assaulted and put in hospital, seeing firsthand how our hospital is no longer functioning safely. And then there was Leinster House, memories to savour. One thing stands out to me from the year, the kindness and friendliness, everyone who stood by me. I won't name you all, but if I name a few, they won't mind - Shane, Theresa, Michelle, Bob and the gang, Camilla, Ian, Ger, John, Lisa, Paul, all of ye, too many to name and some might not want to be named, so many people who have made life brighter. 

And at the beginning of December I had a great weekend in Dublin, a fantastic catchup with everyone, especially those who I haven't seen since I moved to Limerick. So many special people. It made me laugh that the lazer beams from the awful light show on Dublin's O'Connell Street can be seen all the way to South Dublin. 

In brief my New Year's Revolution started up before the New Year, and it's about changing my reactions and trying to improve how I relate to people. With the level of trauma and psychological damage I've suffered, I struggle miserably with interactions and relating to people and I need to change, but it's not overnight, especially when trauma to do with relationships is hardwired into me. But I'll try with help. 

Wishing you a Happy New Year or at least a peaceful one if things are difficult. Remember what I said last year. Not everyone can have a happy Christmas or New Year, the image of happy families is an image, and many people struggle, take heart, it's not you, it's life. 

 Dr O'Brien, I've 

took your railway set, hope you don't miss it. 

The fireworks were great, both live from London and in our local area. And it's New Year's Day evening now. I walked into town, there were buses and my bike, but I think I needed walking time. I went to the 'Sober Rave' at Wickham Way for a while, I snagged a free ticket and attended out of curiosity. 

It was interesting, a real disco/warehouse rave feel but no drugs or alcohol, people dancing sober, loud music and lights, great fun. I avoid pubs, clubs and alcohol behaviour, so it was nice to be able to take part. I hope they keep it up and grow it. 

Happy Christmas from Life Force 198!

It's been too long. I've been so caught up in life's dramas that I've barely been blogging. 

Happy Christmas to you. Yes you! Don't be lonely, I'm here, life force, power, pure joy! 

familiar Limerick sight 

It's my second Christmas here, although I was around last Christmas, just not officially in Limerick on Christmas day or after the working week finished in Limerick, I was of course a fingernail over the border, in Shannon. 

I'm glad to be here, imperfect and broken as life and Limerick are. I'm glad I saw this Christmas in in Limerick. If you want to see my feelings in poetry, I've written something up on Castletroy Words: 

Christmas in Limerick 

It's Christmas Eve. I'm autistic and pedantic so I have a list of everything Christmas and the run up to Christmas should contain, and I can't think of anything that's missing this year, apart from figs, it was hard to get figs, by the time I got to thinking of food over Christmas, it was running a little late and nowhere had figs left. 

This Christmas I had my trip to Dublin. I had a weekend in Dublin, a wonderful special weekend, very special. I got to meet up with people who I haven't seen since my disastrous crash-landing in Limerick 16 months ago. It was an incredible weekend. 

This December I've had an overdose of carol singing, loved it, had mulled wine, just a nip, and didn't find that mulled wine inspiring, it was more plum and less spice, not to my taste, but at least I tried it. I guess I was spoilt having grown up where I did, where people really knew how to make mulled wine for carolling. Anyway, we had two great nights carolling and even someone throwing a firework didn't deter us. Eeejits. 

Limerick's tree leans to the left...

I've enjoyed church, Christmas meals, Christmas parties even, see, the old me from long ago is resurfacing, but in my case, not alcohol shaped parties, real parties. I have been swamped with generosity in the form of presents and food, I've had meals and coffees with friends in Limerick and in Dublin, I've enjoyed pre-Christmas church, Christmas films, Christmas music, pulling crackers, giving and receiving cards and gifts, enjoying the brightly decorated houses as I walk and bike around, the lights and trees in town, my own little Christmas table with a small tree, lights, candles and the cards, presents and goodies laid out. I got my 10 cent decorations and little tree at the same place as last year - poor and happy am I, of course that's the thing about Christmas, remember Tiny Tim being so happy, and so delighted they could afford a small chicken. If any of you haven't seen the musical version of 'A Christmas Carol' I recommend it. I don't need excess or alcohol, Christmas can be made up of many things and not costing much - don't snort if Christmas leaves you in debt, I live hand to mouth, Jesus was born to save us and that's what the celebration is about, not material things.

This evening we had a lovely evening Mass, packed with families home for the holidays. Now I'm enjoying slouching around, the house to myself, eating everything I shouldn't and drinking tea. 

Do any of you know 'Angela's Christmas'? I may have mentioned it last Christmas. It's a heartwarming little tale, told by the late great Frank McCourt himself about an adventure his mother got up to when she was young at Christmas, it's touching and funny as well as sad. Very Frank McCourt. Since I came to Limerick it has become part of the Christmas list for me, every year new songs, films and traditions join me, this year it is the musical of 'A Christmas Carol'. I also like Andre Rieu's 'Home for Christmas' concert, which is a cross between film and music. 

I have my films, 'Home Alone' 1 and 2, the many sequels are just money spinners, they aren't Home Alone films, no Kevin. Miracle on 34th Street, the newer one, Nativity 1, the rest are just money spinners and really bad, A Christmas Prince 1, 2 sometimes, but 3 is just a money spinner, the story is gone by then, I wish sequals could be banned. Then there's the trio - The Snowman, The Bear and Father Christmas - no I'll never grow up, Frosty the Snowman gets a look in too. Then there's a rare film called 'Heaven Sent' and that's a kind of sentimental thing, I remember it in French when I lived in France and actually it was a better film in French. A Christmas Carol in various forms is a good watch, then there's the Grinch, I prefer the animated version, then there's my go-to favourite, 'Deck the Halls' - the one with Buddy Hall and Steve Finch, not the old film. I never really took to 'It's a Wonderful Life' the old classic everyone names. The Holiday - my old favourite from France, and 'Love Actually' - that classic British one which reminds me my heritage isn't all bad. There are so many Christmas films, many are just romances with Christmas decorations, but if you are all 'Bah humbug' just try watching any old film you like and making the most of the Christmas break to relax. I'm going to watch Mary Poppins right now because that smoky London atmosphere is Christmassy enough, if you know and love London, seeing the old London is a treat. 

I nod to my heritage each winter, I start in November with the livestream of the Hastings Bonfire Parade and carnival. I join them with livestream and I instantly move on to the livestream walks of the London Christmas lights, atmospheric and unmissable, and I also watch the London Fireworks on New Year's. These are my personal traditions. Modern technology enables people who live apart from countries and places that they love to retain links and traditions and not miss out on events like those. It's the good side of modern tech. 

Hot chocolate is expensive in Ireland, everything is incredibly expensive in Ireland now, but I tend to have one hot Chocolate before Christmas. This year it was at a nice cafe on Roches Street, and I had that in a slight hurry before carol singing. 

This December I got to visit Dublin, Cork - (don't ask) and Galway, and I got to Killarney in November. I didn't expect my normal Galway visit this year, so much was happening, but I made it. I got my usual photos of the Christmas markets, but it was a tough one in many ways, including being my first trip there since someone special there died. Still, I made it and kept the tradition. I remember doing that trip in the snow in the past but this year it just rained. I didn't make it to Belfast this year, nor last year, but in my mind, my memory, my photos, I'm there, enjoying the Christmas markets and everything else I love about Belfast. The song 'One more mile to go' by Chris de Burgh, reminds me of coming back home from Belfast to Dublin after a Christmas trip, although that song has older memories for me as well. Lets talk songs. 

I have a lifelong love for Christmas songs, stemming from my friendship with my brother, which was cemented when we were children in a violent dangerous homeless hostel at Christmas. We used to hide, listen to Christmas music secretly on headphones and plot to make Christmas special for the others. That is how Christmas became special and magical to me, and has remained so despite all the lonely, violent, cold and poverty-Stricken Christmases. The magic is still there, although through December this year, I felt so tired and stressed and unhappy that I almost missed out on the magic, I had my mind on life issues and felt I wasn't going to celebrate Christmas at all, but Christmas has pulled me along and pulled me in, and it's been good. I know it's only 8.15 on Christmas Eve, but it still feels like one of the better Christmases, and I'm not isolated and dependent like last year, I'm actually in Limerick, and I like that. I like it a lot. 

I hope to spend the break sorting a lot of stuff out, stuff that's been left while I was caught up in problems and dramas. I was watching Mary Poppins but when I wrote about 'One more mile to go' I really wanted to hear it, so I'm playing it on repeat. Another Chris, Chris Norman, did some brilliant underrated Christmas songs, including 'Christmas Song' not to be confused with 'That's Christmas' which I don't like, his actual 'Christmas Song' has some of my favourite lyrics 'Through the ages pain and sorrow never can be justified, comes the dawning of tomorrow, love will always be my guide'. Idealistic and not necessarily true, but beautiful. This song reminds me most of my Christmas in the Pyrenees: V1 Raylor Us H1 16 9    I always double that one with 'For you' which for me is a Christmas song as well, and also my love song for France. I remember driving home from the Pyrenees, the steel grey winter sky of my home department rising ahead and the signs for Lorient, beloved Lorient, passing me. 

Shannon Airport of course. 

I'm taking a short break from writing because I want to walk round the neighbourhood and look at Christmas lights, do you ever do that? Have you ever been to any of those huge charity displays, there used to be a really big one in our county town where I used to live. I never actually went in to see it, but I used to drive past and weave through the crowds going in and out. I was a delivery driver on evening shifts back then, and sometimes I wish I was again, I wish I could turn back time, but we can't turn back time or change the past, we can only be here and now. 

I came back from a nice walk. I walked to the main road and round the estates. I saw a lot of lights, it's cold out there. It was the first cold clear day after what seems like months of rain. It has added to the good feeling of Christmas. 

There are so many songs over the year that make me think of Christmases past, starting with 'Old Toy Trains' and 'I believe in Father Christmas' from when myself and my brother used to make Christmas magical and on to 'Christmas Lights' which reminds me of losing two friends five years apart both at Christmas. The songs, the carols, they have memories, and as years pass, new songs, new memories. 

It's 11.20 and I wavered between early night, tired from the day's efforts, and staying up doing housework and other tasks, and I stayed up of course, no early start tomorrow, Mass isn't until 11.30, dinner is 3 pm, and I will be lazy and then have eggs and rashers for breakfast, with some of the nice coffee I've been given, a treat.

The Leaky Teapot and the Presidential Election

In the last few days I've been to the Leaky Teapot a few times. Drinking tea while doing paperwork or waiting for things. 

I enjoyed seeing the Shannon as I sat in the window. In the summer the trees are in leaf and they block the Shannon out. I didn't know if I'd see my second winter in Limerick, but here I am. The Shannon has been fierce like the Corrib in the last few days and I've sat and watched it from the cafe and stood down there on the Quay as well. There was some filming going on down there. 

The Leaky Teapot was busy this second time, and I was lucky to get a window seat. I sat with my tea, I was waiting in between my messages and errands, and the afternoon Mass, and so I had a cup of tea, can't usually afford food, but to my surprise, people who knew me were eating and got me a meal. This is my Limerick, and this is how kind and generous people have always been to me while I've been in Limerick. I enjoyed curry, rice and chips. Chips with curry and rice is an Irish thing and very pleasant. 

leaky teapot

On the subject of kindness. I watched the presidential race with interest. I am not supposed to be political or personal or biased, but it was a very clear cut race. There should have been more candidates, yes, but the winner won. 

The man who left me on the streets of Limerick in the beginning is a strong FG personality. I found out through him about politics, about FG, and about where things are going wrong in Ireland. He claimed to be friends with the FG presidential candidate and have her number, before she was a presidential candidate of course. 

The independent candidate Catherine Connolly, carried herself well throughout the campaign, was clear on her mandate and very human, able to reach people. She is very natural and friendly and people warmed to her. The desperate mudslinging by Right Wing Fine Gael backfired and made them look very bad. 

Something I found a bit shocking when I came to Ireland and especially when I went to college in Dublin, was women of grandmother age trying to be sexy. I've not seen this in the UK or France or any country, but figure hugging and revealing clothes, lots of makeup, accessories, scarlet nails, in older women, it has made me sad to see, because they shouldn't need to be trying like that. It's my opinion and I'm totally natural myself and have never tried to attract men. What stood out about Catherine Connolly was that she's totally natural, didn't try to hide herself behind any kind of paint, and didn't try to show herself off, she conducted herself much as President Higgins himself would. I think people saw this. She presented as a person, not a mask. Anything in life that depends on wearing a mask is hollow. 

Her win was deserved. You have the Irish Times and the Irish Sun reading similar headlines of her win, but the Times, Right Wing, are adding about the spoiled vote, trying not to gain the disapproval of the nation while having a quiet sour grapes moment, while the Sun, Left Wing, adds a little bit about her rival giving her best wishes. The little difference between tabloid and broadsheet this morning.

The clocks changed last night, they still look the same to me but I got to stay in bed longer and laugh at the comments on the Journal headlines. 

That's the Shannon yesterday when I left the Leaky Teapot. A low rapid tide, often a paradise for kayakers. 

So Ireland has a new President but it was a messy and controversial election which left a number of potential candidates and candidates looking bad. It was an Irish breed of disaster.

The end result was okay. I guess at the moment I could say the same about my bumpy landing in Limerick. There has been a lot of bad but certainly some positives. 

He's gone

I heard today that my friend had died and I wrote this. 

He’s gone—

the news arrived today.

He’s gone,

so far away.

His voice, his smile, his gentle grace,

live only now in memory’s space.

No more upon the clifftop high,

laughing as the seabirds fly,

watching basking sharks below,

his joy a light, a steady glow.

No longer at the front he’ll stand,

words of comfort close at hand;

that smile we cherished, kind and true,

a gift the world no longer knew.

He’s gone—

and none can take his place.

He walks in heaven, face to face

with our Lord, his journey done—

no longer bound, but home, at one.