Sh*te, thanks for asking

 As you know, I don't advertise on blog posts but on the subject of life and suicide, I found a book, Angi Dixon's 'Sh*te, thanks for asking', on the subject of the impact of her brother's suicide. 

It's an interesting and easy to read book of reflections on the grief. I have just finished it and it goes in the parcel so that other people can read it and gain comfort and inspiration. 

That's pretty much all I have to say here, I have had a week of severe chest infection with asthma complications and had to miss a training course and my volunteer shift, so I'm not in a great mood. 

ASIST - Applied Suicide Intervention Training

 It's been a strange week. I came home from the bittersweet trip to Dublin, and prepared for the unknown, a two-day ASIST, suicide prevention course. I was nervous, as always with the unknown, I wanted to back out.

The morning the course began, I woke up to an email from the Garda who had been on the case where I was seriously assaulted, he told me that the CCTV had been retained and if I wanted to go ahead with the matter, to contact him or another Garda. This left me a bit thrown when I'd planned on leaving the house early to get to the course, but nonethless, I headed to the course. 

The first day of the course was extremely intensive, but I kept swimming. At breaktime I got an email from the hospital, 9 months after the assault, they acknowledged the matter and launched an investigation into the hospital's failings. Weirder and weirder.

By the end of the first day of the course I was exhausted and in pain. But I got through the day well and enjoyed the company of the group. Some of us sat together at lunch and chatted. 

The second day was a little less intense and I was better prepared. I had my neck brace, painkillers, soft drinks, and so on. At lunchtime I walked in the nearby nature reserve, enjoying the cold and the wind. I sat and had a light lunch there, and then joined the others in the canteen with a cup of tea.

In the afternoon we did an informal assessment, we paired off and role played a helper and a person in crisis. It went well, we'd all been nervous. 

The course is well worth it, and is offered free by HSE, the office for suicide prevention offers a range of courses on suicide and self-harm, and I'd previously done an online course which I found a bit triggering, but I didn't find ASIST triggering. We got our certificates and it was sad to say goodbye. I really liked some of the group and very much identified with some of them, and I didn't feel out of place, although I felt a bit embarrassed when I choked. If I get very tired, my muscles struggle and I choke easily.

Wow. I've learned a lot, and gained skills I needed. I'm very happy, very tired, and still startled by the hospital and garda, 9 months after the assault, both making contact the same day about investigations. What a funny week. 

Both days I walked home despite my tiredness and the distance, enjoying and needing the fresh air. 

If you want a suicide prevention course, have a look at NOSP, but not if you are suicidal:

https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/helping-someone-else/suicide-prevention-training-programmes/

North Earl Street

 I know I've written about North Earl Street, or Norf Earl Street before, it holds a place in my heart. This was my old post as I write again about the street which was the centre of our community: 

https://lifeforce198.blogspot.com/2024/12/gerry-and-incident-in-dublin.html

I just got back to Limerick from a weekend in Dublin. Dublin 4 has become a home from home since I moved to Limerick, another strange poetic justice. 

I went to petsit, as I usually do, but a different dog this time, the two families who have dogs are friends, but the dogs are chalk and cheese, the usual dog is ADHD and is delighted to pull me to the beach as many times a day as I'll go, which I'm perfectly happy with. The other dog is more like 'Maybe I should hide in this gateway or under this bush in case people, cars, dogs, ghosts or anything scary comes along'. She's not easy to walk, but much quieter at home. 

It was good to have a break, I wouldn't call my life in Limerick easy by any stretch of the imagination although I really do have to stay here. And being in Dublin, I'm reminded that although Limerick isn't easy, Dublin can be harsh for a disabled person. The packed public transport, the antisocial behaviour...I know we have that in Limerick, but everything is harsh and wearing in Dublin, crowded smelly buses and so on. Too much stress on my body. Limerick isn't easy but is easier than Dublin. 

Dublin is still part of me though, even if I feel unable to live there. When I go back to Dublin, I go to the beach, with or without the dog, I go to North Earl Street, Henry Street and O'Connell, I see my old friends, and I go to Dun Laoghaire as well. 

I arrived in Dublin on Friday and was mainly at the house or on the beach with the dog, the usual routine, different dog. 

It was a trip tinged with sadness. Recently a bus crash where the bus missed the turn onto Marlborough and went onto North Earl Street, which is pedestrianised, killed a man who used to be a regular at the cafe where myself and my friends were regulars. I'd known him by sight but not well, but it was a great tragedy, he was a man who knew what he wanted in life and looked after himself. He was so well known at our regular cafe that they knew how to do his fry and they would get him a birthday cake. He kept a routine, walking into town from East Wall for his time at the cafe and so on. 

When I saw the news of the bus crash, I thought it was either him or another man the same age who I got on so well with when I lived in Dublin. I kind of knew it was one of ours, that's all I can say. The other man, Sean, although he's a very unwell man now, is alive and I met with him on Saturday, we talked about the bus crash and he said about being the same age as the man who died. Everyone, all of us who used to meet on North Earl Street, and so many people all around are shocked. 

I had a lazy morning on Saturday, really needed it, did brunch, watched television. In the afternoon I went into Dublin city centre. There was a rugby match at the Aviva but it didn't impede the bus really. It was funny to be back where the crowds were walking to the Aviva, like they did in the days before I left Dublin for Limerick, when I had a birds eye view of the huge crowds. 

The bus was smelly and crowded and I got off at Pearse Street and walked round to Nassau Street.

I stood where he stood, that Saturday long ago, and looked over at the empty post where I used to sit. 

'On Nassau Street, where old ghosts meet, I see him walking now...' 

I will never really understand. 

I walked on round to O'Connell and up to North Earl Street. 

I have never had a Valentine's Day in Dublin without flowers, Nor a St Brigid's Day without being given a st Brigid's cross. This Valentine's day was no exception, and so I reached North Earl Street carrying a pretty red rose and a smile. 

My old friend was standing there, and we talked, caught up on everything since last time. He gave me a tip, very handy for food, and I walked down to where the bus crash was. There was a photo of the man who died, and lots of flowers. I couldn't really keep a rose as I was heading back to Limerick today (Sunday) so put the rose there with the others, there were a number of roses alongside other flowers. I said a few quiet words and felt sad, and then I went on wandering around, until I found Sean, who looked as if he was seeing a ghost. We've only met once since I moved to Limerick. He's not a well man, he leaned on the wall and we talked for a while. He also gave me a tip. Everyone remembers how I was struggling and they still reach out, and it's something I love about the Dublin gang. I'm certainly still in abject poverty so I don't offend the gang by saying no. I hope none of you judge me that I let people help me. I'm still in a dead-end situation with trying to work out what to do for a living when I have complex disabilities and can no longer do the work I did, and my confidence is rock bottom. I'm waiting for support again to work on a career 

I decided that Sandymount Tesco would be crazy with rugby-goers by the time I got back, so I went into Dunnes on North Earl Street, and when I came out, another old friend was there, a dear old friend. We walked so they could feed the birds, we rummaged in charity shops, with their help I got a much needed new rucksack which can also be a shoulder bag or carry bag, I've been having a bag crisis and it will really help, especially as I have to take the washing to the laundry. Good news there is I found a closer laundry service as well.

Anyway, we went and had a meal. Reminisced about meals we'd had in the past, talked about memories and now and dogs and all sorts of things. It was as it always has been. It's funny, when I go back, everyone is there, things are as they were, and I will never walk through Dublin without meeting old friends. 

The words come unbidden, unscripted as I stand on North Earl Street 'I love you so very very much'. 

'Fare thee well sweet Ana Liffey'. 

So it was a great Saturday in Dublin. I got home without the rugby crowds being in the way, and enjoyed the luxury of an evening of television. As ever, I rarely see a television, so it's always a luxury on the Dublin weekends. The wind and rain howled and myself and the dog just curled up and watched films. 

I slept well there but dreamed a lot, slightly sad and complex dreams. This morning was more television and bunch, very nice. A quick walk in the rain and then time to hand over. 

When I handed house and dog back, I got the Dart down to Dun Laoghiare. Normally I have some emotion, this is my home town and I still love it, in an irritated way, but today nothing. Maybe carrying a heavy bag didn't help, I don't know. My hairdresser sometimes works Sundays and was there last time on a Sunday, but not this time, it was a shame, my friends gave me enough tips for a haircut and it's hard to get a decent haircut without a mortgage in Limerick. The Dart can be hell on weekends, but it was bearable if a bit smelly. The Dart was only running Connelly to Greystones, which may be why it was less crowded, and the Irish win at the Aviva would leave a lot of people sleeping off hangovers. 

So I did't stay long, headed back, got the Limerick bus, which was crowded and smelly, but I sat up front, enjoyed my packed lunch and kept my headphones on, and it was okay. We went in and out of heavy rain and hail, the forecast was snow, but there was no snow. So I'm home. 

I really must write the poem 'North Earl Street' and post it on Castletroy Words. 

Life isn't easy, but old friends bring joy. Life force, power, pure joy. 

Back on the chain gang

 After an unwanted break from volunteer work, I managed to get a shift, weekends for a few hours, community work. I'm delighted. 

I was very happy to do my first shift at the weekend. And it's exactly what I want to be doing. 

Our local volunteer centre is a bit lacklustre, where the Dublin ones used to pursue me with shifts, the local one is hard to communicate with, and the other group I worked with changed leadership and also became difficult to get hold of. 

I am determined, so I found something to do in the end. And the best cure for all ills is volunteer work, even if it can make me feel like collapsing physically. But like everything, I will work to overcome, and see if I can get some strength back. 

Apart from that, I am busy with the pursuit of publishing, and also writing poems, and now competing in poetry contests. 

That's about all for now. Life is a whirlwind, there's an imminent Dublin trip, so much going on. 

Life force, power, pure joy. 

Letting Go

 Good afternoon and so on. 

I am working on self-help. YouTube has some great CBT videos, there are series, well worth it. 

Being flexible and believing in change help. 

I have been using a CBT programme to see how best to cope with my wrong wiring, and one thing I'm learning about is to channel the intensity which comes from being wired wrong. To focus the panicked instinctive life and death mode which comes from real life and death situations in my past. Essentially using my brain in different ways will help. I was advised of some apps to help keep my brain focused and training, the brain is quite able, some neurological pathways are dark, I am hopeless with lines and numbers, logic. But I decided from recent events that nothing is impossible, I may as well try to wake that part of my brain. 

It's the weekend so I am watching videos while also doing poetry and short story entries. Life has so much in it. I described this while in peer support like this: 

'There are so many stars in the sky'. During recent times stars have come into my musical sound-track for life. Two songs especially, 'The Call' by Regina Spektor 'Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow where it leads...' and then from the recent Christmas 'God Bless us every one' from 'A Christmas Carol' - 'Star by Star in the Sky and kindness by human kindness, let me love till I die and God bless us every one'. Both songs are about change, revolution. A Christmas Carol is about someone waking up, coming out of their cave, and I hope that's what I'm doing. The Call is often linked to action film sound tracks but the words are interesting. 

Another Song I like at the moment is 'The Cave', I always did, some songs from my past have moved to the present. The Cave has a lot in it which not everyone will hear, it goes from The Bible to Odysseus to the analogy of The Cave and boots around many things while being a modern song about relationships and reactions. It reminds me strongly of recent events in my life and how some of those events woke me with a jolt. 

Life changes, evolves, revolves, it's better to evolve than be stuck. Sometimes change means letting go, and it can hurt, and it can be uncertain when you're letting go of one thing to grab another. 

Build a sky full of stars, so when you have to let go of a thing, person or place which you loved or bonded to, you can look at your other stars and keep going forward. 

Life Force

 I hope you're settling into the new year well. 

My revolutions are going okay. I don't use any sugar in my tea. 

The other day I did my initial suicide prevention training. I have first aid first response but suicide training is equally necessary. 

You may have read my previous post. This is about the two suicidal people who I had to help.

Life Force 198: It's hard to know what to do when you're actually confronted by it

 It's good to have training and I will go on and do more training. 

When people are suicidal, it is like being in a dark tunnel with no light, no way out. People are precious, we have to look after them and support them. The most important things people need in that dark tunnel, is people with them and support. 

Support is important. It seems, after all this time and struggle, I have more support. It certainly makes a difference to me. We all need someone to turn to, a friendly face, a friendly place, a cup of tea. 

We all need to talk, to get things off our chest, however unimportant, how we don't like a new TV show, and how we don't fancy Cillian Murphy, and so on, just talking, reaching out. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to reach out but I needed to. We all need to link in with others, even if we like a lot of time alone as I do. 

As I mentioned at Christmas, I got obsessed with 'A Christmas Carol, the Musical' and I love the lines from the song 'Let us love till we die, and God Bless us, every one'. 

By the way, here's a link to great life lessons: 145 Life Lessons Everyone Needs to Learn

I'm not paid for links, it's something I found useful and agree with a number of the lessons. 

Happy New Year from Lifeforce198

 

Happy New Year in a few hours! 

What am I up to? Writing out New Year's prayers, worrying - nothing new, listening to music, sorting photo albums and files, and so on. 

How do I see the New Year in? With tea of course, with the London Fireworks live, again I give a nod to that awful country for New Year. I do New Year's Revolutions, because it's more fun, and I have a bottle of 198 champagne on hand - Apple and Elderflower sparkling water. 

So, what a year, highlights? Being violently assaulted and put in hospital, seeing firsthand how our hospital is no longer functioning safely. And then there was Leinster House, memories to savour. One thing stands out to me from the year, the kindness and friendliness, everyone who stood by me. I won't name you all, but if I name a few, they won't mind - Shane, Theresa, Michelle, Bob and the gang, Camilla, Ian, Ger, John, Lisa, Paul, all of ye, too many to name and some might not want to be named, so many people who have made life brighter. 

And at the beginning of December I had a great weekend in Dublin, a fantastic catchup with everyone, especially those who I haven't seen since I moved to Limerick. So many special people. It made me laugh that the lazer beams from the awful light show on Dublin's O'Connell Street can be seen all the way to South Dublin. 

In brief my New Year's Revolution started up before the New Year, and it's about changing my reactions and trying to improve how I relate to people. With the level of trauma and psychological damage I've suffered, I struggle miserably with interactions and relating to people and I need to change, but it's not overnight, especially when trauma to do with relationships is hardwired into me. But I'll try with help. 

Wishing you a Happy New Year or at least a peaceful one if things are difficult. Remember what I said last year. Not everyone can have a happy Christmas or New Year, the image of happy families is an image, and many people struggle, take heart, it's not you, it's life. 

 Dr O'Brien, I've 

took your railway set, hope you don't miss it. 

The fireworks were great, both live from London and in our local area. And it's New Year's Day evening now. I walked into town, there were buses and my bike, but I think I needed walking time. I went to the 'Sober Rave' at Wickham Way for a while, I snagged a free ticket and attended out of curiosity. 

It was interesting, a real disco/warehouse rave feel but no drugs or alcohol, people dancing sober, loud music and lights, great fun. I avoid pubs, clubs and alcohol behaviour, so it was nice to be able to take part. I hope they keep it up and grow it.