Sad News

Yesterday I heard that someone had died. The obituary didn't say how, but it would have been by taking his life or by self-neglect as he wouldn't eat or drink a lot of the time. 

May the deceased rest in eternal peace and may his loved ones know peace and comfort. 

A year ago that person asked me to help him to take his life. 

It was a terrifying and stressful time a year ago, he'd tried to get the means to take his life, and couldn't.
Sadly although he meant it, his friends brushed it off and said 'He's always doing that, ignore him' but I couldn't, so I, with no experience of mental health teams and so on, managed to persuade them that he wouldn't speak by phone or call out to them as he was a recluse and in despair. 

Although they called out, took action, worked with him, it wasn't possible to give him a spark, a reason to want to live, but I entrusted it to them as I would be gone and they are professionals and took the matter seriously, credit to them, their human and concerned approach was appreciated. I was included as if I was a family member, both by them and by him, but while I was there he was open that he wanted to die, and nothing, not friends, not activities, nothing in his life gave him something he wanted to live for.

This is what I wrote at the time: 

https://lifeforce198.blogspot.com/2025/08/its-hard-to-know-what-to-do-when-youre.html

As a result of this and the other suicide mentioned, and my sister's suicidal behaviour when I was young, I went on to train in suicide prevention and other mental health topics, so a legacy of the recently deceased is that I can help others who are in distress. I am very glad that Limerick has two dedicated and compassionate suicide prevention teams who patrol the Shannon edges, they help many people, but a person can decide to take their life anywhere and not always with advance warning that others notice. 

God rest his soul. Sleep well, brother, I know it was so tough and you hurt so much every day and waited because you felt that was all you could do, but your friends will miss you a lot. 

I am sorry to say that I still wont always say the right thing or word things correctly, I am human, and I am struggling myself although not suicidal, as the man who left me on the streets of Limerick two years ago is doing a prolonged faux celebrity stunt run in the press which disrupts my life and work, he's been at it since March, and he's using a long dead politician who was as bad as himself as a prop for that. 

We all have mental health and a need for support, and for me this is particularly difficult as people who have abused me, including the man who left me on the streets of Limerick, used 'Mental health' as a term to try to excuse what they did to me because of my reaction, so the term still traumatises me and makes seeking help hard. But we all have mental and physical health, and in the current climate, getting help can be hard. My late friend had stopped seeking help because he didn't find help that helped, he'd stopped talking because no one heard him. 

I am fortunate in having a good boss and several friends who I can be open with about my distress, about the shock of yesterday's news, it's important to talk, so please do. 

A clumsy prose in memory:

https://castletroywords.blogspot.com/2026/08/goodnight-brother.html

It's hard to know what to do when you're actually confronted by it

In this post I refer to a previous attempted suicide where myself and my friend intervened, on this old post: 

https://lifeforce198.blogspot.com/2024/12/gerry-and-incident-in-dublin.html

I often blog about reasons to live. This blog was originally a mental wellness and suicide prevention blog, but I have so much going on that I barely have time to come up with posts on mental wellness and quality of life.

This evening I was sitting in bed, I was tired and didn't intend to take my writing downstairs as usual, so I was sitting up watching the Addams Family and just vaguely warming up to write. I'm writing a new novel 'Empire's Survivor' if I haven't already mentioned it. Anyway my friend came into my room. Unusual but okay. He sat on my bed and told me he was suicidal. 

I'm supposed to have some training and knowledge, but in the training they teach you how to deal with suicidal strangers, bridge jumpers and so on. And as you know, I've dealt with such a scenario once and we saved her, but a friend coming to you in this state is a different matter and I was sitting with my laptop, not expecting this at all. I was totally thrown.

He told me that our other friend wouldn't help him, that he wanted a gun and our friend wouldn't bring his gun. (it turns out he no longer has a gun), anyway, he wanted me to get a gun. I talked to him about gun law and how if anyone brought him a gun they'd be arrested, and we didn't want him dead. 

He needed to talk and to be with someone, and that was fine, you know how I am, a troubled autistic person with many bad memories, so I felt at a bit of a loss here, but of course I wanted to help him. 

I asked him to talk to me. In the training you're taught to ask the person's name and introduce yourself to build a bond and make the person feel they're not alone, which didn't work with the semi-conscious suicide attempt in Dublin and would be no use with my friend. He sat on the bed and asked me if I'd get him a gun. He told me he'd asked at the gun shop but as he wasn't part of a gun club, they wouldn't let him have a gun. 

I texted the manager of the mental health charity but he wasn't much help. He said that I should phone the guards, this wouldn't help much. I texted our friend and he told me to just listen to him and be there for him and that he said these things to all his friends. Okay, I understand that but why can't something be done? Why is no one being more proactive? I guess many people find it hard like this when someone they know tells them they're suicidal. 

I explained gun laws to him, no one can get him a gun for suicide without being arrested. I looked up resources. I've done some volunteering with Pieta House, and so I emailed the person I had contact with there. In the end I phoned his psychiatry clinic with his consent and he left a message asking for a nurse to call out. 

He says he hasn't been able to sleep properly for years, he's troubled by a voice in his head. He's become very depressed with lack of sleep and lack of quality of life with the voice in his head. It's a tough one. Really I would imagine the only solution would be to change his medications, but he says no, and he saw his psychiatrist today and didn't tell them what was on his mind. So really it's hard to do much unless someone proactively liaises with his mental health team. 

He went back to his room to rest, and talked with me a bit longer later, mainly about the lack of sleep. You can imagine it's hard to do anything when you can't do anything. I just listened and sympathized. I hope the clinic can take his message seriously and someone can come round. 

Suicidal thoughts and actions impact on people around the person who is suffering. 

As previously mentioned, if someone is suicidal, they can get trapped in a dark tunnel of despair and not see a way out or a time when the problem isn't a problem. So if this man hasn't been sleeping for a long time, it's hard for him to see anything different. I remember what I'm like when I miss one night's sleep, I get physically and emotionally sick very easily, so it must be bad to have missed so much sleep. To choose life, there have to be things to live for, and without sleep, everything can be affected, it can be hard to see any positives. 

Update on that. 

I liaised with this friend's psychiatric team and pushed them to call out as they tried to ignore the request and phone him or ask him to go to them, which he wouldn't. They'd been unaware of how bad things were, and met with me and him and continued proactive contact, and as I left the situation, I left it with them and trusted they'd handle it. 

When you suffer trauma

 

King John's Castle and Thomond Bridge, Limerick.

When you suffer trauma, everything can replay in your head over and over, and at the same time you can have feelings of self-blame, worthlessness, badness, I find I'm worse when I have a relapse in the physical illness. 

It is normal to have days of emotion and sadness with trauma, tough but normal, and the best thing to do is rest, look after yourself, try to do something practical or read, listen to music, survive. 

Remember, you are not to blame for everything you've experienced which has hurt you in life, you are not to blame for other people hurting you, and reactions are reactions, be kind to yourself.

I take a vitamin and iron supplement, I find it helps my mood, and if I'm very down, I take some extra vitamin B, not vitamin C or D, vitamin B.

Grit your teeth, survive. Live. You are alive, as REM sings. There is so much hope and potential. It may not seem that way, but get creative and find the hope and potential. 

I'm better than I was yesterday but not up to telling stories about County Clare, so I'll leave it at that, as I struggle with feelings and emotions today, I'll say to you, be kind to yourself and understand that on bad days it is is easy to try to take the blame for the whole world and their crass opinions, but think of the good in you, and most people do have good. I am clean and tidy, honest and quiet and occasionally friendly and gentle.

love, 

A 

Limerick on a Saturday

I am neglecting 'The Road to Shannon' to write on this blog again, tut. And in case you're not indoctrinated, it's not because The Road to Shannon is paved with good intentions, it never was. I just prefer 198 to Shannon now. 

I've not been well. Quite a bad relapse. I have a metabolic or autoimmune condition which relapses and remits, it can hit hard and I am usually in relapse well before I realise it. The condition presents with aches and pains, tiredness not relieved by rest, increased difficulty walking, muscle fatigue and sudden muscle failure, depression, flashbacks, nightmares and disturbed sleep or trouble sleeping at all. 

Relapse isn't surprising as I've been out it very cold and wet conditions all week. It's been an endurance. And it's not just me, a rough sleeper friend who has been homeless most of his life was saying to me he's absolutely sick of this homeless life and the relentless weather.

I did wonder if I've also picked up a cold or virus and the cheap place I stayed recently had someone coughing and sneezing everywhere as well as slamming doors and shouting into their phone all night. I haven't felt well at all. 

I had a bad night and was having bad dreams about the man who left me homeless in Limerick. I went into town in a miserable mood, tired and aching. And then there I was in Limerick and the world became magical again.

As soon as I was in Limerick, people who I knew were around, there were hugs and chats and fist bumps and handshakes and laughter. My mood lifted straight away. I went to church as usual for my Saturday prayer, and sat on my wall as usual. I enjoyed the hustle and bustle of town on a Saturday and I said 'Limerick, I love you'. Limerick whispered back 'My arms are holding you'. As always, every day I'm in Limerick, the Limerick Love Song is in my head. 

Someone who went past told me they'd bring me food, so I waited, and my friend came and sat with me, he wanted to go for coffee but I told him someone was bringing me lunch, so he came back later and we went to a new coffee place, good prices and good coffee, so that was nice. Last week I told him about the man who left me on the streets, and he said 'That's not a friend, this is what friends do, we have coffee, we chat, we relate to each other'. 

Getting out and talking to people is important, especially when you're feeling bad and want to hide away, it can change things. I have had a lovely day in town. Life is tough but good people make it more bearable. Saturday is the best day to be in Limerick, everyone's around.

My arm is being twisted to tell the Clarecastle Mass story, someone in Shannon is going bright red at the thought while she is in Vigil Mass. Go on then.

So in Clarecastle, Mass is the third sport after Hurling and Hurling Missiles. Paddy is a well-known figure in Clarecastle, the missiles miraculously avoid Paddy, everyone loves him, Paddy, he likes his pint, he's a man. 

Paddy is always at Mass 10 minutes early and he has his seat at the front, no one else will take Paddy's seat, it's a small community and everyone knows their place. 

Paddy never misses Mass and is always in his seat. But one Saturday night, one drink turns into another and one story turns into another, and before Paddy knows it, it's morning. He's far from the first to go from drinking to Mass, Philip and the lads used to do this, but poor Paddy, he's taking it slowly down to the church, he's a little weary. 

Paddy is late for Mass! He goes in, his seat is empty, waiting for him. Mass has started but it's only in the first few minutes. Paddy walks up the aisle. He walks to the front. The priest is speaking. 

Paddy goes up, he says to the priest 'Look father, I'm late, you're just going to have to start again from the beginning',

The priest starts the Mass again from the beginning. 

Thanks for being good sports, Clarecastle. I'll do Ennis next.

+++++

When you feel at your worst, don't hide away, go and be among people a bit, even Angela did in The Limerick Love Story: 

Angela looked out into the dark, snow was falling lightly. 4 am. She dressed and headed out quietly, walking down the hill into town. Standing on O'Connell, she gazed at the Christmas lights as she did every day, with the wonder of a young child. She loved the silver teardrops, the coloured tree lights, and the Christmas trees. She watched the snow fall gently through the lights 'Beautiful'. She gathered snow off the low walls and benches to build a small snowman.

The Garda truck was taking it easy in its journey along O'Connell and slowed even more to see a woman building a snowman at 5.30 in the morning. Angela looked up and waved at the watching Gardai. The driver raised his finger and they moved on, deciding she was harmless enough. 'I have to get away from the nightmares' she told the retreating back of the Garda truck, but no one heard her. After a while she went into the gossip cafe and got a tea to take with her to her doorway. 

----

Michael was drained but relaxed from making love to Graeme as he walked through town to work with his coffee, enjoying the pre-Christmas atmosphere and lights. He tutted at Angela sitting on the step in the cold. 'You have a warm bed and breakfast and you've had a chest infection, Angela'. He shivered and pulled his wool coat round him, cold just to look at her in her cloth jacket. 

She sighed 'I have to get away from the nightmares, the bad feeling sometimes' .

Michael nodded 'I'll come and talk to you at lunchtime if you're around. I do understand what you're telling me. Try not to sit too long in the cold or bite too many legs'. 

----

At 12.15 Michael arrived with tea and coffee and a bundle. He handed Angela her tea and sat beside her. 'Drink your tea' he told her when she looked at the parcel he had with him.  She drank some tea, he opened the parcel. 'This is called a coat, it's designed to keep you warm'. 

'Ha'. 

'If you wear your coat, you get your treat, if not, you don't'. 

He could see she was interested but she wasn't going to ask what the treat was. Eventually she held out her hands for the coat, and he gently helped her to put it on, she didn't object. She made a lot of interesting faces and muttered her thanks. 

'Good girl, now gather your things and we'll go to your treat'.

'Where?' 

'I've finished work for the day, I only had a board meeting. We're going home to Graeme for the rest of the day to chill out and relax, have some fun and food'. He saw Angela smiling and he knew she was happy with the arrangement. They drove through the light snow, the snow wasn't impeding driving and didn't make great headway in settling, but enough to delight the children who were already getting hyped up for Christmas, Michael felt sorry for the parents, but remembered he'd have all that to look forward to. 

Angela's O'Connell Street in the snow. 

My Arms Are Holding You

Here I am in Castletroy, Limerick, one of my favourite places although not as favourite as Raheen and Dooradoyle or Ennis Road perhaps, or maybe Castletroy is my favourite now. I'm enjoying the view and the music and some good tea, I'm listening to the 198 theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sklYzudgOPU

Remember, 198 is a state of mind, a state of hope. We don't know the future and it may not be as we imagine, but while there's life, there's hope, we can look for ways forward. Sometimes it's hard to see how things can be better, things can feel so bitter, so unjust, unfair. Sometimes things happen which will never go away, and those things become scars, they can change our course and we are slightly different with each scar. 

On Saturday I joined a number of people supporting a protest of the family of a journalism student, Joe Drennan, who was killed within sight of where I am right now. Joe was killed by an unlicenced uninsured drug driver who was on bail for other offences. Sentencing in Ireland can be woefully inadequate, and he got off lightly and with his sentence for Joe's death running concurrently with his sentences for other offences and the others sentences earned him two and a half years more than his sentencing for killing Joe, despite the fact that he stopped at the scene to wipe his car off, and left Joe for dead. It is hard to imagine how bad things are for Joe' family, he will never come back, but they are fighting for his killer to get a proper jail sentence. In Ireland, and I guess other places, you have to really fight for things. As I write this, the DPP, who were hostile, have agreed to an appeal on the sentence. I am happy to hear this but it won't bring Joe back. I hope his family don't mind posting this, I admire them for their fight for justice and their unwavering courage in speaking publicly about the tragedy. 

A lot has happened since Christmas, and while I've been on other writing projects, I haven't updated this blog. I have had two very terrible incidents occur in my life here, and also a lot has been going on in my country of citizenship which has an impact on me. Eventually I will have to return there to seek justice for the terrible things I've survived, and things are moving towards that now, things are changing for the better. or do I mean better, was being in limbo better because it didn't hurt so much?

Well. After telling you what a lovely Christmas that was, a sad and terrible incident occured and as a result I was in Limerick city centre on New Year's Eve in the pouring rain, with 2025 not starting as hoped, but let's see what good I can bring out of this unexpected turn of events. Although that happened, and then another terrible incident since, I am okay, I am strengthened by the good people in my life and my faith, and at no point have I let thoughts of self-harm enter my life, because I understand that bad things happen in life, and things won't stay so bad forever. Some things won't go away, but the intensity of crisis does lessen, things change, we adapt or we force change when there's injustice. 

In the meantime, lets talk books. I started reading self help books as a teenager, trying to understand why I couldn't speak or relate to people.

I couldn't cope with counselling as a teenager when I left my family as I couldn't speak normally and the counsellor was a bit of a perv, you do not need the rest of that story, I promise you, not at the moment anyway, so at the time I got myself a book called 'Be your own Counsellor'. My first self help book. I'm sorry to say I can't remember the author's name, but I found it helpful and it started my understanding of the concept of self-reliance. I am naturally self- reliant due to having attachment disorder as a result of neglect as a child but have had a tendency, as many vulnerable people do, to struggle with life and to let other people take over, usually unsuitable people who add to the damage.

I got hooked on the self-help bug, and I got tapes as well as books, my two main authors at first were Susan Jeffers and Louise L. Hay. 

As life moved on, I discovered Tony Robbins and others, and continued to work my way through a minefield of self help books and tapes telling me how to live, as well as affirmation tapes. I think it was a good thing, however confusing it may have become, because I'd missed out on a childhood of normal instruction on how to live and behave, and now I was learning quite cutting edge techniques on how to live and behave, and I think it saved me and helped me to go on functioning through everything. 

I still think self-help books are great, I make a pile of them and sit on them to watch television. Joking aside, if you're stuck for inspiration and a way forward, there are many books in the library and bookshops on many helpful topics. 

At the moment I'm back into non-fiction, going mad for good murder mysteries. I'm reading like I'm demented and getting through a lot of books.

I'm a writer, as I've probably mentioned, and I currently have two main works 'The Road to Shannon' and 'The Limerick Love Story'. The Limerick Love Story is about an eccentric homeless woman who was befriended by a well-to-do gay couple. I started writing this on the streets of Limerick in October last year and fell in love with the book itself while also falling in love with Limerick, it has been my favourite manuscript so far. Writing is a magical thing, like music, it can help express your emotions and feelings, anger and sorrow, grief, confusion, it can help you through. 

Sometimes good can come from bad, sometimes we have to find someone or something to hold onto. When I was left on the streets of Limerick by that @@@@, I held onto God, as it says in the words of the Limerick Love Song 'My Arms are Holding You'. I'm still holding onto God. You may not believe in God, but hopefully you can find someone, something to hold onto. 

I have to boast about my manuscript, so I'll give you snippet, which shows why it's the Limerick Love Story, because it's not just about the characters, but about the city and county as well:

'Now she can look up all those things that puzzle her like 'What is orange?', 'Why are people?' and 'Is the moon?'. Graeme saw them to the door 'See you soon Ange, text anytime'. 

As they drove, Angela asked about the rivers. 'The one behind us is the Groody' Michael told her 'The one at the top of Annacotty is called the Mulkear, the Salmon River, one of the best in Ireland for Salmon and trout, which rises in the Silvermines and flows into the Shannon and then the Shannon runs behind the university'.  He glanced at her, almost seeing a map being written in her mind, she loved to know more about places, and he'd heard her and Graeme swapping Pig Buyer stories as if she was a native of King's Island. Where she'd learned the Pig Buyer stories was a mystery, the girl was keeping bad company somewhere. 

'Do you know where the Silvermines are, Angela?' 

Angela hummed 'Any Tipperary Town' for him. 

'The Groody rises in County Limerick, it isn't a very big or long river, and it flows into the Shannon as well. the two rivers meet the Shannon either side of Plassey, where the university is'. 

'Groody'. Angela giggled 'It sounds like a mean old man in a children's book'. 

Michael smiled 'So it does. The Shannon is your favourite, for baptising Dassin when he pesters you'.

'He's got religion now, I threw a Bible at him as well'. 

Now, so do you think you'll be okay back at the bed and breakfast now?' 

Angela glanced at the iPad in her arms and nodded. 

Michael laughed 'Silly question, you're embracing your old friend there and can't wait for the two of you to be alone together. Try to get some sleep though, but enjoy some tea, duvet and iPad first, and we'll be up for you on Christmas Eve but you and Graeme will be texting away no doubt'. 

__

The Groody and flood plain from Dublin Road, looking towards Plassey and the Clare and Tipperary Hills in the rain.

The Salmon Leap on the Mulkear at Annacotty. 

The time between Christmas and New Year

 27/12/24

It's a good time and a bad time. I'm autistic and suddenly there's no routine, so I have restless sleep, nightmares and flashbacks. But I like the peace and quiet and the potential writing time, although I'm spending too much of it not writing.

Last night I wasn't sleeping, so this morning I was asleep on the sofa, not writing. 

I had a fantastic and very simple Christmas, mainly doing a jigsaw puzzle and watching films, which was all I wanted. I also enjoyed Mass and Christmas Dinner. I had no alcohol and very little by way of goodies, but enough to keep me content. I don't need much for Christmas, just having a roof over my head, warmth, food and tea, made it very special. I enjoyed a good walk on Christmas Day and so many people were out, there were loads of people to exchange greetings with. 

30/12/24

I didn't sleep well last night, again the lack of normal routine got to me a bit, I was having flashbacks about the man who left me on the streets of Limerick and then I was having bad dreams about him. It hurts me eternally that he illegally intercepted and accessed my medical and personal information and then tried to make me out to be nuts after leaving me homeless.

So I'm tired today but today we are almost back to normal, with the usual long day in Limerick, we got to Limerick in the dark with the Christmas lights still shining, and this normality really helped me. I stood on Sarsfield Bridge and looked at the Strand Apartments, which were in total darkness against a brooding heavy sky, amazing.

My Screensaver. Strand against storm clouds.

My next part of the routine was a bit spoiled when I got to the church and found it closed. Christmas does change things, the church usually opens early, long before 8.30 Mass, and today there is no 8.30 Mass. So I went to Arthurs Quay and did my recycling, went to the toilet, and walked down the Quay to look at the Shannon. It's good to be in Limerick again. It is different today, so quiet, especially after the pre-Christmas traffic. It felt so funny, so alien, walking up towards the station and the road so quiet, everything empty and rain-washed, the morning light against the Christmas lights.

It's a strange time. Christmas week. It can be depressing for some, and it's best to keep occupied in any way you can, jigsaw puzzles, housework, children, writing and so on.

I got two excellent books for Christmas, the Writers and Artists Yearbook 2025 and a book called 'The Organised Writer' and I've been reading 'The Organised Writer' as I needed to get my writing projects in order, and it's really helping. I have also been reading a novel called 'Call me Star Girl' which is a bit dark but interesting. I did my jigsaw puzzle and I've been watching films, but I'm still struggling a bit, mainly with trauma to do with the man who left me on the streets of Limerick and the matters surrounding that, and it triggers deeper traumas, so if you're finding things hard at this time of year, you're not alone, and remember, there are crisis hotlines, there are people a phone call away.

Don't suffer in silence. I talked to my friend as we drove into Limerick this morning, and that helped me, and then I've been into the church and talked to God. Keep communicating, this is what helps, and I'm still learning this, as an autistic and traumatised person, I'm still learning that I must reach out. My official supports don't kick in again until next week, and I think despite the bad patches, I've done very well and am doing well, it has been one of my happiest and most peaceful Christmases. 

So here I am, in the ubiquitous coffee shop on O'Connell Street in Limerick, the one where the men talk and talk, and it's another thing about today, the talking men are not here, but I'm glad to have some relative normality. Tomorrow I also have some normality as I go ahead with necessary arrangements for my life, and then we go back into holiday mode until Friday, and after that, well, Christmas is over. 

I hope you're doing well. Don't be alone, well, not too much. I need alone time in large chunks but I can get worse with depression and trauma when I'm alone, so I reach out, and then if I spend too much time with others, I get anxious and stressed, this is why a conventional job is hard for me, why self employment with short shifts for a variety of people is looking to be my best option.

Anyway, Happy New Year, or Peaceful New Year, whichever you'd like to take. Seek company and help if you're struggling, but find a balance, a healthy balance of time alone and time with people, it can be hard to do this in the Christmas week but it's a good idea. Get out of stressful or toxic or alcoholic social situations for your own sake, but don't fester alone.

I'll leave you with the 198 Theme Tune as I'm listening to it now, it is beautiful and life can be beautiful. Limerick is beautiful, if you don't know Limerick, come and visit. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sklYzudgOPU&list=RDsklYzudgOPU&start_radio=1

Surviving Christmas

This is a long post, I'm chattering away like the old men in the cafe again. 

The thing with Christmas is, it's not about alcohol, don't let anyone tell you that it is or insist you drink, if they do, get away from them, you deserve better. Christmas doesn't even need to be about parties, they are a nice option rather than something it kills you to be left out of. Look after yourself. 

I was once given some advice by a good person. I was facing another difficult Christmas and I asked 'Why does everyone else get to have fun and have a good time and not be alone at Christmas?'

She said to me 'It's an illusion, not everyone is having a good Christmas, there are many people fearful, unhappy, lonely, getting into debt in order to provide Christmas for their loved ones, suffering violence, facing homelessness, family fights, breakups, and many many more problems. All you can do is try to make some Christmas for yourself as best you can'. She was right, and I'll talk about making Christmas later. 

That Christmas, I had to flee where I was, running down the road in the snow with no shoes on, utterly broken, suffering devastating and lasting damage, and there was nowhere to go, no food, nothing but huge pain. I crept into a church left unlocked after Mass, and drank Holy Water from the font because I was so thirsty. The termperature was minus 10 and blizzards. I was as helpless as the Baby Jesus when He was born. I couldn't make much of that Christmas, but I have never forgotten what that wise lady said to me, which helped me to understand that Christmas simply isn't good for everyone every year. Christmas is a time of year, the same as May 9th or October 11th, it's a time. And we cannot produce a good Christmas every year, and what is a good Christmas? Do we have to travel back to old times with thick snow and everything sparkling perfect in the way films and videos depict it? Life is changing and so is Christmas, some elements stay the same, company, food, music, lights and decorations, church for some of us, gifts, parties, and so on, but we can have autonomy and make Christmas, the season, more flexible to suit us, we can make it more ours, and we can be reminded that other people aren't all having a perfect Christmas. 

Now, humour break, let me tell you about last Christmas, I hope you find it as funny as I now do, it wasn't at the time, it was mad.

Ireland has a shortage of dentists. I was living in Dublin but house sitting at Killaloe in County Clare at the beginning of December last year and I realised, after a lot of telling myself to stop being fussy and weak, that I was in agony from a toothache, a molar, one of them big back teef. There were not dentists available in Dublin, so I sat there in Kilaloe, enjoying the stunning view across Lough Derg, and I searched for emergency dental treatment. I found Dublin Dental Hospital, a teaching hospital for Trinity College. I had a medical card so I was entitled to free treatment and I asked the hospital, unsure, if I could attend their emergency department. They told me I could, but I may or may not be deemed an emergency. 

I came home to Dublin and into another house sit for a family who were going for a long break to their family in the USA, and I attended the dental hospital emergency department. They deemed me an emergency very quickly and had me admitted for day surgery, a complex extraction. An extraction like that is a major job and I needed stitches and was told to rest up and be very careful. 'Fine' I thought 'It's a few days before Christmas and all I will be doing is relaxing with television and writing, walking the dogs I'm minding, and going to church'. 

Yeah, right. The three dogs I was minding weren't trained, had to stay on the lead, and had no garden at their little house, so I had to take them out frequently. And one of them was an escape artist who never came back if she escaped. She got away from me, there was no one around to help, and I had to chase her, really chase her, she was a lurcher by the way and she wanted to eat as many squirrels as possible before I caught her. A few hours of huge stress and effort and I got her. The tooth socket was bleeding heavily though, I nearly ended up back in the dental hospital. I had to contact them for advice, on the afternoon of the Friday before the Christmas weekend. 

To be honest, I was happier to be recovering from a major dental operation over Christmas than I would have been if I'd been in pain over Christmas and I had a roof over my head and everything I needed to aid recovery, rather than being on the streets. Now let me tell you something, I was homeless while I did these house sits. I have done house sitting for years and am well referenced, but house sitting now got me off the streets at Christmas, literally, yes really, I would have been on the streets for Christmas without that house sit. So there I was, Christmas day with these rather lively dogs, first thing, I walked them down along the docks and back first thing, needing to get showered and go down to the RDS for the Christmas Day Community Meal - if you are alone this Christmas, it's worth looking up community Christmas events by the way - anyway, I got home with the dogs, hurrying to shower, dress and go, put the key in the lock, and the lock broke, the door wouldn't open. Christmas day, stuck outside the house, three dogs getting restless and mad and I needed to be showered and dressed and off to the RDS asap. And guess what? I didn't have my phone with me, it was in the house! 

Thank God for the neighbours, going out to do their charity walk, that one in Ireland where people walk a short distance on Christmas Day for charity. They saw my distress and came over, and tried and tried to help me to open the door before giving up as there was no hope. They fortunately had phone numbers for the family and the emergency contact family member of the people I was house and pet sitting for and they called him and went off, leaving me alone with three furious dogs. 

In the meantime I managed to get into the house. There was a small glass panel among the door panels and I could see it had been removed before, someone had been locked out before. I carefully removed the panel and tried the lock from inside, and to my relief, it unlocked and were in! I went to the shower, and at that moment the emergency contact turned up, I recounted everything, the poor man had been on the northside (the other side of Dublin) with his girlfriend, just trying to survive Christmas himself, and here he was after a confusing phone message and he arrived to find I'd got into the house. He kindly took the dogs for a longer walk while I showered, and then he dropped me off at the RDS, it was a better outcome of a nearly ruined day. I was treated like a Princess at the RDS and surrounded by friends old and new, it was a fantastic Christmas Day and I was even given a lift home, laden down with gifts and very happy, to rest, watch films and write, and of course walk those dogs again. To me, it was a good Christmas despite everything. It's a question of seeing the good in it. The lock itself had been very badly fitted and it breaking was the fault of the person fitting it, it was just luck it waited until Christmas Day to break, the door had another lock and so the house was secure until the locksmith arrived a few days later, the glass panel was easy enough to secure. 

As I write this, it's a beautiful Sunday in December, we survived Storm Darragh without losing power out here. I'm going to Mass with with my friend shortly, and I'm just thinking about old friends and Christmas. 

I've lost two friends at Christmas, five years apart, both from cancer. One friend lived with cancer for 5 years and tried everything, including drug trials, but she died in the end. The second friend was already dying of cancer when she was diagnosed, and I remain angry with the medical practice who were also my medical practice and persistently failed me as well, they kept sending her away and treating her like a malingerer, as they did with me, she was dying by the time they actually took her seriously (In my case they never took me seriously but I proved them wrong, but that's another story), so anyway, my friend was dying when she was diagnosed in the October, and the last time I saw her alive was Christmas Day evening, after dinner and dog walks, she gave me a hug and a kiss and said goodbye, and that was the last time I saw her alive. She was loved and she lived a lot of life, she and I met because we were volunteers together in a charity shop, a cancer care shop. Now, let me talk about my first friend who had died of cancer at Christmas 5 years before. 

My friend was hugely popular, she knew everyone in the village and everyone in the town and everyone everywhere in between. She was everything, she was in the choir in the village, she was in the choir in the cathedral, she was head of floral art at the church, she was head of everything, she was on every committee, she did everything, knew everything, and she had a family, a big close family and extended family, she was full of life and always smiling, laughing, talking loudly with everyone and grabbing my hand as she talked to everyone when I came over to her after church. She was a good friend to me when I was still young and struggling badly with the after-effects of my childhood, she would send me texts saying 'Just hold my hand' if she knew I was facing challenges. I loved my friend and I always remember her smiling.

She died naturally one Christmas after years of fighting, seeking new treatments, praying and sending newsletters to us all about her cancer. She drifted into sleep and stopped waking up. She was at peace with the world and looking forward to meeting Jesus. Her funeral was so well-attended that a marquee had to be put up outside the church with a video link. 

There's a lot more to the story than I'm telling you here, but I remember my two friends dying at Christmas as another Christmas approaches, but I remember without breaking down with grief, because time has passed, life has moved on dramatically since those deaths, new friends have come and gone and stayed. I loved those two friends, and they will remain in my memory and in my heart. For me, Christmas isn't marred by their deaths, but the memories will be part of my Christmas. The memories of those two friends and Christmases spent with them. 

I'm just going to share something about the friend who battled cancer for 5 years. She was popular and very well known, was part of so much. But I was away overseas for a long time after her death. I came back and went to visit her grave. The small square memorial stone where her ashes were placed. Despite her popularity and the many family, friends, clubs and societies, her little memorial stone was overgrown and with just a dead primrose in a pot from the spring. She had been so popular in life, so loved, so special, but people had moved on, kept her memory but finished grieving, to different degrees. 

Suicide to 'Make someone pay' or to make someone feel guilty for life or to spite someone or even as a result of unkind things they've said, doesn't pay off. Because no matter how popular, or loved or special someone is, when they die, people may grieve or feel sad or sorry, but eventually they move on, and then the person who died simply isn't there. It is better to live, and live life to the fullest that we can, because this life is all we know and we have to make the best of it.

If you can't make a Christmas for yourself, remember it's only a time, it's only a date, never mind what anyone else is doing, you can't see that they may be having problems too. Christmas is a date, a time, like September 10th, October 11th, May 9th, but unfortunately Christmas tends to start in November, intensify to the end of December and go into January, so yeah, it takes a while and a bit of strength to get through it if you're struggling for whatever reason. It can be done, don't give up. It isn't forever, and next Christmas may be better. 

Here are a few reasons people struggle at Christmas:

• Financial concerns
• Death of a loved one
• Domestic Violence
• Abuse of any kind
• Arrests, criminal or civil proceedings
• Family tensions
• Homelessness
• Divorce or relationship breakup
• New baby 
• Loss of a baby
• Bad memories
• Conflict
• Fraud
• Job loss
• Disasters such as fire and flood. 
• Car accident - from experience the roads get dangerous around this time. 
• Having to work - I was a delivery driver in winter - see the last bullet point. 

That's a few, add your own. Christmas is far from merry for more people than we realise. I will not go back to that list and tell you I've been through a number of those at Christmas and I won't tell you which ones, but Christmas, depicted as 'Merry and Bright', just isn't Merry and Bright for everyone.

I was once walking home from Midnight Mass in England, I was on my own as my church didn't do Midnight Mass and so I was a guest at another church near my home. In England they include communion wine and not just the wafer as they do in Ireland and France. I don't drink, so that's the only wine I would have all Christmas, but I thought I'd had too much when I saw the bus coming up the road towards me on the wrong side of the one-way road.

The road had been closed and the bus sent back because a man had been killed on the road outside the pub, he was killed by a single punch. 

I sidestepped the terrified chaos at the pub and walked down to the sea, looking at the waves in the dark, I thought of someone else who had died there, and someone who was in prison for 17 years, my thoughts and memories were dark. The friends and family of the man who'd been killed by a single blow would be marking Christmas as the anniversary of his death forever. Such things although they fade, they are never erased, and grief can live on forever if a closed loved one - a partner, parent or child dies this way.

You are not alone, Christmas and pre-Christmas go on for a while, they change normal ways of life, routines, work patterns, and if something goes wrong at Christmas it can be so much worse than in 'normal time'. I haven't told you my worst Christmases but I can tell you about some things which help me to get through and to enjoy Christmas. Not all of this will apply to everyone, it's just thoughts based on what I do. 

• Keep an open mind and don't 'hate' Christmas, just let it be Christmas, from November onwards, let the beautiful lights and cheerful music and events and everything be there, don't avoid them, the lights in town, the trees everywhere, the music, they can be all yours to enjoy, the church festively decked out and open for private prayer, so nice, so cheerful, so hopeful, and free to everyone. Christmas is part of life, it will keep coming back, just let it be. 
• No Christmas Dinner? It's not essential, there's no rule. If you want Christmas Dinner and there's a community meal, they are good, they are great and you'll meet people, unless you don't want to, and the organisers will find you a corner on your own. If you don't want or need or can't get a dinner, it is personal choice. I remember one year, no money, alone, and all I could get was some chicken wings, which I cooked and shared with the 9 cats I was minding. It was okay. Another year I was with my friend who was dying, for Christmas Day, and the next day I went to a person who I knew was alone over Christmas and I cooked us a full Christmas meal and we celebrated Christmas together that St. Stephen's Day. Christmas is a lot more flexible than people imagine and flexibility, something different, can make a memorable Christmas, can start traditions. 
• No cards, no presents? Let me tell you, you can have as many as you like. I remember one year I was close to suicide, things were terrible, one of the things that kept me alive was that I got a list of the names of every resident in the nearby retirement and nursing home, a big place, and I found out if they preferred to be known by first name or 'Mr/Mrs' as older people sometimes do, and I wrote out a card for all of them. I made a lot of new friends, but I was told by the activities co-ordinator that it made Christmas very special for some of those people who had no card. I'm not boasting, but it made my Christmas, it helped me to turn away from suicide, because I reached out and people reached out to me in return, not just residents who were delighted to get a card, but the staff too, and families of residents. I made friends. Now these days I wrap many many presents for people who I will never meet and who very much deserve them and will be delighted with them. I am a volunteer with the national Shoe Box appeal and I wrap hundreds of gifts. So you can have as many presents and cards as you can ever handle, just send them to other people. No one except shallow people will be looking at you yourself and judging how loved or unloved you are judging by what you actually get for Christmas yourself, and you don't have to discuss it or tell anyone what you get or don't get. As an adult, and I'm assuming my readers are adults, we don't 'need' presents, but they are nice, aren't they? I know, but I like my presents to be the ones sent to children in poverty and cards to be sent to lonely older people. Be nice for Christmas, don't feel downhearted that it's not an easy Christmas, personal presents and cards are a nice option. Keep in mind, if you can't afford to get someone something they want for Christmas, you can tell them, and if they love you, they'll understand, you can talk about it. A small gift with love is better than a gift you can't afford, just to please someone. 
• The whole Christmas experience. There are always Christmas markets dotted around, they are great fun to visit, very atmospheric, and don't worry, most people can't buy anything there, it's the atmosphere, the experience. I can't buy anything, but I love to go.  Any music device has Christmas songs and carols, and I'm listening to those Christmas songs from November onwards and just enjoying the upbeat themes, the memories of old Christmases and the familiarity of the songs at this time of year. I watch Christmas lights tours on YouTube. Christmas craft materials are very cheap, I love making wreaths and decorations, and as for traditional decorations, as cheap as 10 cents a piece at the charity shop. Then there's my favourite thing, the advent calendar. But mine is a special advent calendar, keep in mind again that I am not paid for mentions or links or anything, I get the Jacqui Lawson interactive advent calendar on my devices. If any element is missing from your Christmas, you can have it artificially on the Jacqui Lawson calendar. Decorating trees, making Christmas biscuits and recipes, wrapping presents, taking part in Christmas activities, building snowmen, and much more. I have that underpinning my every Christmas, no matter what is missing due to poverty, homelessness, domestic problems or whatever. Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus, it may not be his correct birthday but nonetheless, it's a celebration, it's meant to be fun.  Christmas to suit you is simple and relatively cheap to put together, never mind what others do or expect, Christmas isn't just for others, it's for you as well. I have been to numerous houses of millionaires and wealthy and powerful people at Christmas, yes I really have, because I worked for the big houses and lived in wealthy areas, and all I can tell you is, they don't have a better time than people who are struggling but choose to be happy, because to wealthy families, it is hard to make Christmas more than just another day surrounded by good things, they aren't necessarily happy, indeed I have yet to meet a very wealthy person who is happy.
• Christmas is a holiday, things are different. I may be autistic but I say rejoice in it, if you're off work, watch films and programmes, there's loads of good stuff on, relax, enjoy the differentness of the time, get extra rest, do different things, go for walks if you can, put the mobile phone down. Work shifts at Christmas are unique, different, more chocolatey, and sometimes a good opportunity to earn some extra money. Sometimes I used to do the job of 5 drivers because the others were off drunk, but the money was fantastic. The Christmas week, when everything is down is also a good time enjoy change and difference, to make some New Year's Revolutions, plan for change in the new year.
• Christmas is no time for drinking to excess and feeling terrible, it's a time for you, and for looking after yourself, for overcoming bad feelings and ending the year as positively as possible even if things are tough. Sometimes it's time to make that resolution to make sure things change for the better, that tough resolution to leave, end or change the situation which has been making Christmas so hard. 

If you're struggling with Christmas, hang on for my sake, I want you to be okay. See if things get better in the new year, face it with determination and fight for you, for your best interests.

First Post, nice to meet you.

Good morning, 

I am so glad that you are here and reading this, I'm honoured. This is my first blog post for this blog (I've been blogging for 14 years), this is the first post on the 198 blog, although by the time you read it, it may not be the only post on the blog. It's nice to have some company on the blog, so if you're reading this, hi, I'm pleased to connect with you. Here we are on a street corner called 198 Street, and I'd like to talk to you, because your life is precious and special, no matter how you're feeling - hey, it's okay, I'm not an evangelist, even if I started to sound like one for a second, okay I have been known to hand out tracts for Rob in Dublin - tell him I quit over no pay rise if you see him - but this is about life, your life, my life, our connection and the fact that I want you to live, to live and to see how life is worth living. 

Unusually for me, a quiet person, I'm doing all the talking, like the old men in the cafe over there on O'Connell. They're there every day, they almost live there, and they talk, oh they talk, they never stop talking, when I sit in there with my tea, my ears ache. I'm talking to you though, because you looked up this blog, for whatever reason, perhaps because you are finding it hard to live but you are looking for reasons to live. I'm glad you came here, It's a big responsibility for me, so I hope that I can help you. Okay so I'm going to ramble like the old men, but please do join me on this ramble, I'd love your company. If you want to grab a cup of tea or coffee or whatever it is, you can pretend we're in the cafe and I'm talking your ears off. 

Keep in mind, I'm an amateur, not an expert not a mental health professional, don't replace a professional with my writing, I'm an extra, and so on and blablabla - don't groan every time mental health is mentioned...believe me, I know, I know that reactions, distress, trauma, psychological damage and other desperate situations are labelled 'mental health' and this can cause distress and trauma to already distressed people and make it hard to seek help, especially when the news and the public and their precious social media start chanting 'history of mental health problems' whenever an act of public violence occurs, although these days they also unhelpfully use the terms 'migrant' and 'terrorist' as well. Am I being controversial? I'm autistic, I am habitually controversial, contrary, and apparently occasionally incorrigable, but what I want you to know is that I understand that desperation, despair and circumstances that drive people to feeling that they can't live, are life circumstances, but when someone takes their life, it is always labelled as 'mental health problems' and people are always told to 'talk to someone if they're having feelings'. Now I understand where it comes from, but I do sometimes wish the press and people would change the bloody record! I'm speaking as a survivor of attempted suicide (non recent) who knows it's not always as simple as 'talk to someone' because no amount of talking was stopping the people who were hurting me, who I attempted suicide to get away from. I didn't die or get away from my abusers, who's reign of horror over my life never really ended and still affects me now, but now as I write this, I am relatively safe and have a good quality of life. 

However, I would say that talking is the right thing to do, if and however you can, because talking relieves what you're carrying and helps you to feel better, and talking means you're not alone, I am autistic and have been conditioned wrongly and habitually shy away from company and conversation but I know that I need to talk sometimes and that it is the best thing for me, it just has to be the right person, someone who respects my confidences and privacy and understands me. We can't all 'phone the Samaritans' but if you're feeling in a dead end, desperate, overwhelmed, do talk to someone and see if it changes perspective, never mind the public and media or popular view of desperation and despair. Do talk, do reach out, and make sure you reach out to safe understanding people, people who will listen and hear you, not people who will criticise you. 

If you are suffering, if you are desperate because you are trapped in abuse of any kind, or you've suffered great loss that you can't get over, if you feel responsible for something that's happened, if you feel worthless or a burden, no one should be making your feelings and reactions out to be an illness, reaction is not an illness, it is human, if we didn't react, by paradox, we also might be considered ill. You are human, hang onto my hand and stay alive, believe me when I say wholeheartedly that it isn't always easy to hang on but it's worth it. In my case I got to a point where I could choose to die or choose to live and live with what has happened and how it will affect me for the rest of my life. I chose to live, I want you to live. 

Does it help you to know that everyone suffers, everyone goes through problems? Maybe not, sounds a bit glib, doesn't it? People who make such comments can make your head explode because such comments don't always help. I remember being horrified as a teenager, when my landlady told me that life is about problems and once you've overcome one lot, the next lot comes along. Having just escaped an upbringing of unremitting abuse, neglect and violence, I thought I was now in paradise, problems over, despite the fact that I was so badly maladjusted to the normal world that I was in real difficulties and of course vulnerable to future abuse. Everyone does suffer, but in different ways and to different degrees, and just because we don't see another person's suffering and problems doesn't mean they don't have them. 

Life doesn't just need to be about the problems and focussing on them, accept the problems are a part of life but live despite them and with them, also, in another post I may talk about how to create your own problems in order to improve your life, challenging yourself in order to grow. Life is about life, and life is limitless, it really is, you might think it can't be because of your own circumstances, but it is. We can't always do what we really want to do, the way we want, but we can find ways round the roadblocks, we can re-draw the map, we can fight for what we believe, we can change how we feel and relate to people and situations and we can do the impossible, because we are alive, and we have great power and strength in us, we have life force and each person can be autonomous rather than relying on others for who we are to be. 

It's important to stay alive and keep that tremendous power and use if for good. So hang on. In Stephen King's book 'Dreamcatcher' one of the non human beings was describing to Ralph how the power he and Louis were using was like sand on a beach, it didn't run out. While you are alive, your life force, your inner strength and power are limitless like sand on a beach, you may not feel strong right now, indeed you may feel fatigued, but inner strength is a bottomless well. There are ways forward, it's just a question of finding them. We have to find ways of living what we're living with and living the best life that we can, and sometimes making the changes to do this can be daunting, traumatic, risky.  

Let me pause there. I'm autistic and I'm off for a shave. Yeah, I know I'm female, but these days we're all equal. I'm just thinking about a book called 'A Manual for Heartache' by Cathy Rentzenbrink. This is a cracking book, maybe a little triggering for some, but really really good if you're suffering. I read it during a patch of severe depression and it snapped me out of the depressive fit. If you can get a copy from the library or book shop, I'd recommend it. I am not advertising books or getting paid for any sales as a result of people using my blog, not at this point in time. I will simply recommend books, actions and attitudes which help me, so that you can decide if they help you, I hope something I suggest will help you but we are all different and we are in different circumstances. One of the challenges of this blog is that it can be viewed by people in all kinds of situations, and I have to keep it general. 

A very useful thing I learned which helps me is that when people try to push me towards what they think is right is to stop and think and say 'Is this for me, or is it what the other person wants or has been led to believe is right?' Let me give you an example, not everyone knows a lot about depression or other conditions, but one thing people repeat to someone they think is depressed, because 'they've heard it helps' is that things like art and exercise will help. Now you and I know that everyone is different, so one size doesn't fit all. Let me tell you, I was forced into art over and over again, I'm not an artist and I'm no good, so it was demeaning and unproductive, I am disabled and the exercises that people are determined would help me was tough on me and made me tired, which doesn't help depression. 

What you need is things that you enjoy. I am no artist and am not interested in art, but I'm a writer, I love writing and am bursting with writing, I need to write, writing helps me. I cannot do exercise classes and they hurt me, but I walk, I walk at my own pace, I will always struggle a bit with walking, but walking is what I can do, as long as I wear boots and am careful. So those are the things I can do and which help me, versus what other people decided what was best for me. You too may be misadvised and under pressure to do things which aren't right for you. Time to stop, say no, and choose the activities which you love and which help you. It's your life force and your power, you need to do what's best for you. Start by hanging onto that precious life of yours and understanding that it is your soul and mind and no-one else's, do what's best for you and live. What's best for you won't usually harm you, if it harms you, it's not what's best for you.

• Thought. If someone is hurting you, if someone is harming you. Get away from them, or if you can't, create safe boundaries and understand that that person should not be hurting you. It is not easy to get away from people such as family members and people in authority over you, but do get help and advice, talk it through with someone, or create safe boundaries, understand that that person should not be hurting you and that you need distance and you need to use your strength to know it's not okay for someone to hurt you even if they do not do it intentionally and you need space and boundaries. This isn't easy. You need your strength, your life force, to ensure safe boundaries. 
• Thought 2. You will know what is best for you more than another person will, even sometimes a professional, so stand up for yourself and do what helps you. You'd be surprised how many people simply go along with others to avoid conflict or because they think other people know best. Don't just drop treatments or help or support for the sake of it in your new quest to help yourself though, only if something is not helping you or doing more harm than good and if that's the case, discuss it with a professional. You may not like some forms of help, but if they are helping and not harming you, persist. It's a balance. Look after yourself. Look for every possible way to help yourself and improve your life. In my early days of trying to learn to be 'normal' as a teenager, I was left doing slave labour on remote land on a farm and no one cared about me, so I would take self help books and tapes with me, I would listen to self help tapes as I worked and would read self help books in my break. It was a grim time, but I was doing my best to help myself while everyone around me was failing me. Invest in yourself, through help being offered, as long as it does help, and through help you find for yourself, and there are limitless resources, never stop looking.

Bad things happen to good people, unjust things happen. Don't give up on life. Every day you go on living, things move forwards, bad people may be brought to justice by others if your efforts for justice fail, bad people die or move away, bad systems change, grief and shock become easier to bear, new people come along, new starts, new happiness, new ways of life. Life is very fluid. If that sounds a little glib, I'm speaking from experience and I've been through all kinds of hell and horror, and although the hell and horror is indelible and it happened, I chose life and I want to help other people to choose life. Never give up hope. 

One of the things that really helps me to live, survive and thrive is autonomy, choosing my own way and not needing to rely on others completely for approval or opinion. There is only one me, I am alive, I will do what I want, need and feel is best to live the best life I can. I won't be a better person by following the crowd and feeling the need to do what others are doing, I will be a better person by looking after myself as well as I can and finding new ways to develop and help myself.