Good morning,
I am so glad that you are here and reading this, I'm honoured. This is my first blog post for this blog (I've been blogging for 14 years), this is the first post on the 198 blog, although by the time you read it, it may not be the only post on the blog. It's nice to have some company on the blog, so if you're reading this, hi, I'm pleased to connect with you. Here we are on a street corner called 198 Street, and I'd like to talk to you, because your life is precious and special, no matter how you're feeling - hey, it's okay, I'm not an evangelist, even if I started to sound like one for a second, okay I have been known to hand out tracts for Rob in Dublin - tell him I quit over no pay rise if you see him - but this is about life, your life, my life, our connection and the fact that I want you to live, to live and to see how life is worth living.
Unusually for me, a quiet person, I'm doing all the talking, like the old men in the cafe over there on O'Connell. They're there every day, they almost live there, and they talk, oh they talk, they never stop talking, when I sit in there with my tea, my ears ache. I'm talking to you though, because you looked up this blog, for whatever reason, perhaps because you are finding it hard to live but you are looking for reasons to live. I'm glad you came here, It's a big responsibility for me, so I hope that I can help you. Okay so I'm going to ramble like the old men, but please do join me on this ramble, I'd love your company. If you want to grab a cup of tea or coffee or whatever it is, you can pretend we're in the cafe and I'm talking your ears off.
Keep in mind, I'm an amateur, not an expert not a mental health professional, don't replace a professional with my writing, I'm an extra, and so on and blablabla - don't groan every time mental health is mentioned...believe me, I know, I know that reactions, distress, trauma, psychological damage and other desperate situations are labelled 'mental health' and this can cause distress and trauma to already distressed people and make it hard to seek help, especially when the news and the public and their precious social media start chanting 'history of mental health problems' whenever an act of public violence occurs, although these days they also unhelpfully use the terms 'migrant' and 'terrorist' as well. Am I being controversial? I'm autistic, I am habitually controversial, contrary, and apparently occasionally incorrigable, but what I want you to know is that I understand that desperation, despair and circumstances that drive people to feeling that they can't live, are life circumstances, but when someone takes their life, it is always labelled as 'mental health problems' and people are always told to 'talk to someone if they're having feelings'. Now I understand where it comes from, but I do sometimes wish the press and people would change the bloody record! I'm speaking as a survivor of attempted suicide (non recent) who knows it's not always as simple as 'talk to someone' because no amount of talking was stopping the people who were hurting me, who I attempted suicide to get away from. I didn't die or get away from my abusers, who's reign of horror over my life never really ended and still affects me now, but now as I write this, I am relatively safe and have a good quality of life.
However, I would say that talking is the right thing to do, if and however you can, because talking relieves what you're carrying and helps you to feel better, and talking means you're not alone, I am autistic and have been conditioned wrongly and habitually shy away from company and conversation but I know that I need to talk sometimes and that it is the best thing for me, it just has to be the right person, someone who respects my confidences and privacy and understands me. We can't all 'phone the Samaritans' but if you're feeling in a dead end, desperate, overwhelmed, do talk to someone and see if it changes perspective, never mind the public and media or popular view of desperation and despair. Do talk, do reach out, and make sure you reach out to safe understanding people, people who will listen and hear you, not people who will criticise you.
If you are suffering, if you are desperate because you are trapped in abuse of any kind, or you've suffered great loss that you can't get over, if you feel responsible for something that's happened, if you feel worthless or a burden, no one should be making your feelings and reactions out to be an illness, reaction is not an illness, it is human, if we didn't react, by paradox, we also might be considered ill. You are human, hang onto my hand and stay alive, believe me when I say wholeheartedly that it isn't always easy to hang on but it's worth it. In my case I got to a point where I could choose to die or choose to live and live with what has happened and how it will affect me for the rest of my life. I chose to live, I want you to live.
Does it help you to know that everyone suffers, everyone goes through problems? Maybe not, sounds a bit glib, doesn't it? People who make such comments can make your head explode because such comments don't always help. I remember being horrified as a teenager, when my landlady told me that life is about problems and once you've overcome one lot, the next lot comes along. Having just escaped an upbringing of unremitting abuse, neglect and violence, I thought I was now in paradise, problems over, despite the fact that I was so badly maladjusted to the normal world that I was in real difficulties and of course vulnerable to future abuse. Everyone does suffer, but in different ways and to different degrees, and just because we don't see another person's suffering and problems doesn't mean they don't have them.
Life doesn't just need to be about the problems and focussing on them, accept the problems are a part of life but live despite them and with them, also, in another post I may talk about how to create your own problems in order to improve your life, challenging yourself in order to grow. Life is about life, and life is limitless, it really is, you might think it can't be because of your own circumstances, but it is. We can't always do what we really want to do, the way we want, but we can find ways round the roadblocks, we can re-draw the map, we can fight for what we believe, we can change how we feel and relate to people and situations and we can do the impossible, because we are alive, and we have great power and strength in us, we have life force and each person can be autonomous rather than relying on others for who we are to be.
It's important to stay alive and keep that tremendous power and use if for good. So hang on. In Stephen King's book 'Dreamcatcher' one of the non human beings was describing to Ralph how the power he and Louis were using was like sand on a beach, it didn't run out. While you are alive, your life force, your inner strength and power are limitless like sand on a beach, you may not feel strong right now, indeed you may feel fatigued, but inner strength is a bottomless well. There are ways forward, it's just a question of finding them. We have to find ways of living what we're living with and living the best life that we can, and sometimes making the changes to do this can be daunting, traumatic, risky.
Let me pause there. I'm autistic and I'm off for a shave. Yeah, I know I'm female, but these days we're all equal. I'm just thinking about a book called 'A Manual for Heartache' by Cathy Rentzenbrink. This is a cracking book, maybe a little triggering for some, but really really good if you're suffering. I read it during a patch of severe depression and it snapped me out of the depressive fit. If you can get a copy from the library or book shop, I'd recommend it. I am not advertising books or getting paid for any sales as a result of people using my blog, not at this point in time. I will simply recommend books, actions and attitudes which help me, so that you can decide if they help you, I hope something I suggest will help you but we are all different and we are in different circumstances. One of the challenges of this blog is that it can be viewed by people in all kinds of situations, and I have to keep it general.
A very useful thing I learned which helps me is that when people try to push me towards what they think is right is to stop and think and say 'Is this for me, or is it what the other person wants or has been led to believe is right?' Let me give you an example, not everyone knows a lot about depression or other conditions, but one thing people repeat to someone they think is depressed, because 'they've heard it helps' is that things like art and exercise will help. Now you and I know that everyone is different, so one size doesn't fit all. Let me tell you, I was forced into art over and over again, I'm not an artist and I'm no good, so it was demeaning and unproductive, I am disabled and the exercises that people are determined would help me was tough on me and made me tired, which doesn't help depression.
What you need is things that you enjoy. I am no artist and am not interested in art, but I'm a writer, I love writing and am bursting with writing, I need to write, writing helps me. I cannot do exercise classes and they hurt me, but I walk, I walk at my own pace, I will always struggle a bit with walking, but walking is what I can do, as long as I wear boots and am careful. So those are the things I can do and which help me, versus what other people decided what was best for me. You too may be misadvised and under pressure to do things which aren't right for you. Time to stop, say no, and choose the activities which you love and which help you. It's your life force and your power, you need to do what's best for you. Start by hanging onto that precious life of yours and understanding that it is your soul and mind and no-one else's, do what's best for you and live. What's best for you won't usually harm you, if it harms you, it's not what's best for you.
- Thought. If someone is hurting you, if someone is harming you. Get away from them, or if you can't, create safe boundaries and understand that that person should not be hurting you. It is not easy to get away from people such as family members and people in authority over you, but do get help and advice, talk it through with someone, or create safe boundaries, understand that that person should not be hurting you and that you need distance and you need to use your strength to know it's not okay for someone to hurt you even if they do not do it intentionally and you need space and boundaries. This isn't easy. You need your strength, your life force, to ensure safe boundaries.
- Thought 2. You will know what is best for you more than another person will, even sometimes a professional, so stand up for yourself and do what helps you. You'd be surprised how many people simply go along with others to avoid conflict or because they think other people know best. Don't just drop treatments or help or support for the sake of it in your new quest to help yourself though, only if something is not helping you or doing more harm than good and if that's the case, discuss it with a professional. You may not like some forms of help, but if they are helping and not harming you, persist. It's a balance. Look after yourself. Look for every possible way to help yourself and improve your life. In my early days of trying to learn to be 'normal' as a teenager, I was left doing slave labour on remote land on a farm and no one cared about me, so I would take self help books and tapes with me, I would listen to self help tapes as I worked and would read self help books in my break. It was a grim time, but I was doing my best to help myself while everyone around me was failing me. Invest in yourself, through help being offered, as long as it does help, and through help you find for yourself, and there are limitless resources, never stop looking.
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