Patchworld

It's a patchworld, not perfect. My mother was a patchwork quilter, she patchworked like mad, and all her creations were unique. I once read a story about a woman who was creating a patchwork from life, the dark patches and the light. I didn't know my birth mother well, but I remember she was an outstanding quilter, and it's quite a skill, making each patch fit and belong. Life can be that quilt. 

I get dropped off in Limerick and I walk over Sarsfield Bridge in the early morning. I always stop and look at the Strand Apartments in the dark. I love looking at the Shannon in the dark with the lights shining but I also look over at the Strand Apartments, which tend to be mostly in darkness at all hours, even though the 2017 scandal where a corporate landlord tried to evict all their tenants there was so long ago.

I'm just recovering from an episode of my life where someone took me over, messed with my head, gaslit me, and among other things, promised me a wonderful HAP tenancy, in the many changes of potential tenancy, he offered me tenancies at the Strand Apartments, but in the end I realised there was no tenancy, he was messing with me. He left me on the streets of Limerick, shattered.

I am very grateful to all who stepped forward and helped me when I landed on the streets of Limerick and helped me towards what may be a more hopeful future. The patchwork of life brings both dark and light patches. We are not superhuman, things that happen to us affect us, and we have to find ways of finding the light patches, easier said than done when you're shrieking 'What light patches?!' I know, I've been there. 

My days on the streets of Limerick quickly developed into a routine. I always had my music in my ears and I would listen to songs such as 'By your side' by 10th Avenue North as I walked around the town, stood on Sarsfield Bridge or walked down to my storage unit at the Docks. That song is a real Limerick song for me now, it's great for walking to, and I'm autistic so I play it on repeat. I used to go in the church and pray for help in the early morning, and even when help came, I have always included the church in my early morning routine. I stop on the bridge, I go the church, I get my cup of tea, and I go to Arthurs Quay, in that order. I am typical autistic, I like my routines. 

I was hungry in my early days in Limerick, I found the daily soup run unwelcoming and too chaotic, and I have a tendency to hang back when there's noise and stress, I was going hungry, so as I sat on the street, I put up a little sign saying 'Hungry, please feed'. You know how autistic people put things exactly how they are sometimes. 'Hungry, please feed'. Someone obliged, and I was so happy to have a full tummy that I put up a sign with a smiling face saying 'Smile!' At the time, a female drug addict who was constantly bothering me came along and started abusing me for the sign. 

It turned out all I had to say to this addict every time she bothered me was 'Stop making a fool of yourself, addict, go home' and she'd go. A lot of addicts don't like someone saying to their face that they're an addict. I'm autistic, no one else would actually call someone an addict out loud, I'm very naughty, but she was being hurtful. 

Anyway, a few weeks later, I was sitting there watching the world, and a lovely young woman came along, she told me she'd seen my 'Smile' sign and she'd been feeling down, and she was inspired that a homeless woman with nothing could hold up a sign like that, and she'd gone away smiling. She was really nice, we talked for a while and she got me some food, but it made me think, I managed to get some bright patches alongside the dark ones.

I have survived all kinds of hell and horror and I have to live day to day with flashbacks and terrible memories, nightmares, night terrors and self doubt, but I live, and I rejoice in life. I love seeing the Shannon and the lights in the dark first thing in the morning and as I walk back in the evening. I love the cold dark winter days and nights, beautiful, I love the Christmas lights, I love Limerick. There is so much in life, and as I learned when I was youngster being used as slave labour on a farm, there is always more, this isn't it, and things won't stay like this forever, no matter what your situation. In my case, I want things to stay as they are, I want the long days in Limerick and the rest days in that little place out in the countryside to be forever, but they won't last, winter will pass and I will move into the town and onto the next step in my life. Live every moment and find reasons to live, and do as I did with the fake tenancies man, at great cost, get away from people who hurt you, the hurt will last, heartbreak is real, yes, but find ways to live with it, maybe write a blog. Writing things out, drawing it, painting it, cartooning it, talking it out, will help. 

As I said, I don't get paid to mention anything, I'm not advertising, but as I mentioned the song earlier, I find music essential to soothe and cope with daily life, and I'm always reading helpful books. A recent one is 'You will get through this night' by Daniel Howell. It's very comprehensive and if you're struggling you may find it helpful.

Stopping and looking at the world rather than hurrying past it can really help when you're feeling bad. I find looking at the Shannon so helpful. Life isn't just problems and looking and seeing the world doesn't need to wait until holiday time, if you have any holiday. Stop and see the world now. Even big inner city built up areas have charms worth looking at, indeed you can ponder for hours on how long and how many people it might take to remove all the rubbish.