When you suffer trauma

 

King John's Castle and Thomond Bridge, Limerick.

When you suffer trauma, everything can replay in your head over and over, and at the same time you can have feelings of self-blame, worthlessness, badness, I find I'm worse when I have a relapse in the physical illness. 

It is normal to have days of emotion and sadness with trauma, tough but normal, and the best thing to do is rest, look after yourself, try to do something practical or read, listen to music, survive. 

Remember, you are not to blame for everything you've experienced which has hurt you in life, you are not to blame for other people hurting you, and reactions are reactions, be kind to yourself.

I take a vitamin and iron supplement, I find it helps my mood, and if I'm very down, I take some extra vitamin B, not vitamin C or D, vitamin B.

Grit your teeth, survive. Live. You are alive, as REM sings. There is so much hope and potential. It may not seem that way, but get creative and find the hope and potential. 

I'm better than I was yesterday but not up to telling stories about County Clare, so I'll leave it at that, as I struggle with feelings and emotions today, I'll say to you, be kind to yourself and understand that on bad days it is is easy to try to take the blame for the whole world and their crass opinions, but think of the good in you, and most people do have good. I am clean and tidy, honest and quiet and occasionally friendly and gentle.

love, 

A 

Limerick on a Saturday

I am neglecting 'The Road to Shannon' to write on this blog again, tut. And in case you're not indoctrinated, it's not because The Road to Shannon is paved with good intentions, it never was. I just prefer 198 to Shannon now. 

I've not been well. Quite a bad relapse. I have a metabolic or autoimmune condition which relapses and remits, it can hit hard and I am usually in relapse well before I realise it. The condition presents with aches and pains, tiredness not relieved by rest, increased difficulty walking, muscle fatigue and sudden muscle failure, depression, flashbacks, nightmares and disturbed sleep or trouble sleeping at all. 

Relapse isn't surprising as I've been out it very cold and wet conditions all week. It's been an endurance. And it's not just me, a rough sleeper friend who has been homeless most of his life was saying to me he's absolutely sick of this homeless life and the relentless weather.

I did wonder if I've also picked up a cold or virus and the cheap place I stayed recently had someone coughing and sneezing everywhere as well as slamming doors and shouting into their phone all night. I haven't felt well at all. 

I had a bad night and was having bad dreams about the man who left me homeless in Limerick. I went into town in a miserable mood, tired and aching. And then there I was in Limerick and the world became magical again.

As soon as I was in Limerick, people who I knew were around, there were hugs and chats and fist bumps and handshakes and laughter. My mood lifted straight away. I went to church as usual for my Saturday prayer, and sat on my wall as usual. I enjoyed the hustle and bustle of town on a Saturday and I said 'Limerick, I love you'. Limerick whispered back 'My arms are holding you'. As always, every day I'm in Limerick, the Limerick Love Song is in my head. 

Someone who went past told me they'd bring me food, so I waited, and my friend came and sat with me, he wanted to go for coffee but I told him someone was bringing me lunch, so he came back later and we went to a new coffee place, good prices and good coffee, so that was nice. Last week I told him about the man who left me on the streets, and he said 'That's not a friend, this is what friends do, we have coffee, we chat, we relate to each other'. 

Getting out and talking to people is important, especially when you're feeling bad and want to hide away, it can change things. I have had a lovely day in town. Life is tough but good people make it more bearable. Saturday is the best day to be in Limerick, everyone's around.

My arm is being twisted to tell the Clarecastle Mass story, someone in Shannon is going bright red at the thought while she is in Vigil Mass. Go on then.

So in Clarecastle, Mass is the third sport after Hurling and Hurling Missiles. Paddy is a well-known figure in Clarecastle, the missiles miraculously avoid Paddy, everyone loves him, Paddy, he likes his pint, he's a man. 

Paddy is always at Mass 10 minutes early and he has his seat at the front, no one else will take Paddy's seat, it's a small community and everyone knows their place. 

Paddy never misses Mass and is always in his seat. But one Saturday night, one drink turns into another and one story turns into another, and before Paddy knows it, it's morning. He's far from the first to go from drinking to Mass, Philip and the lads used to do this, but poor Paddy, he's taking it slowly down to the church, he's a little weary. 

Paddy is late for Mass! He goes in, his seat is empty, waiting for him. Mass has started but it's only in the first few minutes. Paddy walks up the aisle. He walks to the front. The priest is speaking. 

Paddy goes up, he says to the priest 'Look father, I'm late, you're just going to have to start again from the beginning',

The priest starts the Mass again from the beginning. 

Thanks for being good sports, Clarecastle. I'll do Ennis next.

+++++

When you feel at your worst, don't hide away, go and be among people a bit, even Angela did in The Limerick Love Story: 

Angela looked out into the dark, snow was falling lightly. 4 am. She dressed and headed out quietly, walking down the hill into town. Standing on O'Connell, she gazed at the Christmas lights as she did every day, with the wonder of a young child. She loved the silver teardrops, the coloured tree lights, and the Christmas trees. She watched the snow fall gently through the lights 'Beautiful'. She gathered snow off the low walls and benches to build a small snowman.

The Garda truck was taking it easy in its journey along O'Connell and slowed even more to see a woman building a snowman at 5.30 in the morning. Angela looked up and waved at the watching Gardai. The driver raised his finger and they moved on, deciding she was harmless enough. 'I have to get away from the nightmares' she told the retreating back of the Garda truck, but no one heard her. After a while she went into the gossip cafe and got a tea to take with her to her doorway. 

----

Michael was drained but relaxed from making love to Graeme as he walked through town to work with his coffee, enjoying the pre-Christmas atmosphere and lights. He tutted at Angela sitting on the step in the cold. 'You have a warm bed and breakfast and you've had a chest infection, Angela'. He shivered and pulled his wool coat round him, cold just to look at her in her cloth jacket. 

She sighed 'I have to get away from the nightmares, the bad feeling sometimes' .

Michael nodded 'I'll come and talk to you at lunchtime if you're around. I do understand what you're telling me. Try not to sit too long in the cold or bite too many legs'. 

----

At 12.15 Michael arrived with tea and coffee and a bundle. He handed Angela her tea and sat beside her. 'Drink your tea' he told her when she looked at the parcel he had with him.  She drank some tea, he opened the parcel. 'This is called a coat, it's designed to keep you warm'. 

'Ha'. 

'If you wear your coat, you get your treat, if not, you don't'. 

He could see she was interested but she wasn't going to ask what the treat was. Eventually she held out her hands for the coat, and he gently helped her to put it on, she didn't object. She made a lot of interesting faces and muttered her thanks. 

'Good girl, now gather your things and we'll go to your treat'.

'Where?' 

'I've finished work for the day, I only had a board meeting. We're going home to Graeme for the rest of the day to chill out and relax, have some fun and food'. He saw Angela smiling and he knew she was happy with the arrangement. They drove through the light snow, the snow wasn't impeding driving and didn't make great headway in settling, but enough to delight the children who were already getting hyped up for Christmas, Michael felt sorry for the parents, but remembered he'd have all that to look forward to. 

Angela's O'Connell Street in the snow. 

My Arms Are Holding You

Here I am in Castletroy, Limerick, one of my favourite places although not as favourite as Raheen and Dooradoyle or Ennis Road perhaps, or maybe Castletroy is my favourite now. I'm enjoying the view and the music and some good tea, I'm listening to the 198 theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sklYzudgOPU

Remember, 198 is a state of mind, a state of hope. We don't know the future and it may not be as we imagine, but while there's life, there's hope, we can look for ways forward. Sometimes it's hard to see how things can be better, things can feel so bitter, so unjust, unfair. Sometimes things happen which will never go away, and those things become scars, they can change our course and we are slightly different with each scar. 

On Saturday I joined a number of people supporting a protest of the family of a journalism student, Joe Drennan, who was killed within sight of where I am right now. Joe was killed by an unlicenced uninsured drug driver who was on bail for other offences. Sentencing in Ireland can be woefully inadequate, and he got off lightly and with his sentence for Joe's death running concurrently with his sentences for other offences and the others sentences earned him two and a half years more than his sentencing for killing Joe, despite the fact that he stopped at the scene to wipe his car off, and left Joe for dead. It is hard to imagine how bad things are for Joe' family, he will never come back, but they are fighting for his killer to get a proper jail sentence. In Ireland, and I guess other places, you have to really fight for things. As I write this, the DPP, who were hostile, have agreed to an appeal on the sentence. I am happy to hear this but it won't bring Joe back. I hope his family don't mind posting this, I admire them for their fight for justice and their unwavering courage in speaking publicly about the tragedy. 

A lot has happened since Christmas, and while I've been on other writing projects, I haven't updated this blog. I have had two very terrible incidents occur in my life here, and also a lot has been going on in my country of citizenship which has an impact on me. Eventually I will have to return there to seek justice for the terrible things I've survived, and things are moving towards that now, things are changing for the better. or do I mean better, was being in limbo better because it didn't hurt so much?

Well. After telling you what a lovely Christmas that was, a sad and terrible incident occured and as a result I was in Limerick city centre on New Year's Eve in the pouring rain, with 2025 not starting as hoped, but let's see what good I can bring out of this unexpected turn of events. Although that happened, and then another terrible incident since, I am okay, I am strengthened by the good people in my life and my faith, and at no point have I let thoughts of self-harm enter my life, because I understand that bad things happen in life, and things won't stay so bad forever. Some things won't go away, but the intensity of crisis does lessen, things change, we adapt or we force change when there's injustice. 

In the meantime, lets talk books. I started reading self help books as a teenager, trying to understand why I couldn't speak or relate to people.

I couldn't cope with counselling as a teenager when I left my family as I couldn't speak normally and the counsellor was a bit of a perv, you do not need the rest of that story, I promise you, not at the moment anyway, so at the time I got myself a book called 'Be your own Counsellor'. My first self help book. I'm sorry to say I can't remember the author's name, but I found it helpful and it started my understanding of the concept of self-reliance. I am naturally self- reliant due to having attachment disorder as a result of neglect as a child but have had a tendency, as many vulnerable people do, to struggle with life and to let other people take over, usually unsuitable people who add to the damage.

I got hooked on the self-help bug, and I got tapes as well as books, my two main authors at first were Susan Jeffers and Louise L. Hay. 

As life moved on, I discovered Tony Robbins and others, and continued to work my way through a minefield of self help books and tapes telling me how to live, as well as affirmation tapes. I think it was a good thing, however confusing it may have become, because I'd missed out on a childhood of normal instruction on how to live and behave, and now I was learning quite cutting edge techniques on how to live and behave, and I think it saved me and helped me to go on functioning through everything. 

I still think self-help books are great, I make a pile of them and sit on them to watch television. Joking aside, if you're stuck for inspiration and a way forward, there are many books in the library and bookshops on many helpful topics. 

At the moment I'm back into non-fiction, going mad for good murder mysteries. I'm reading like I'm demented and getting through a lot of books.

I'm a writer, as I've probably mentioned, and I currently have two main works 'The Road to Shannon' and 'The Limerick Love Story'. The Limerick Love Story is about an eccentric homeless woman who was befriended by a well-to-do gay couple. I started writing this on the streets of Limerick in October last year and fell in love with the book itself while also falling in love with Limerick, it has been my favourite manuscript so far. Writing is a magical thing, like music, it can help express your emotions and feelings, anger and sorrow, grief, confusion, it can help you through. 

Sometimes good can come from bad, sometimes we have to find someone or something to hold onto. When I was left on the streets of Limerick by that @@@@, I held onto God, as it says in the words of the Limerick Love Song 'My Arms are Holding You'. I'm still holding onto God. You may not believe in God, but hopefully you can find someone, something to hold onto. 

I have to boast about my manuscript, so I'll give you snippet, which shows why it's the Limerick Love Story, because it's not just about the characters, but about the city and county as well:

'Now she can look up all those things that puzzle her like 'What is orange?', 'Why are people?' and 'Is the moon?'. Graeme saw them to the door 'See you soon Ange, text anytime'. 

As they drove, Angela asked about the rivers. 'The one behind us is the Groody' Michael told her 'The one at the top of Annacotty is called the Mulkear, the Salmon River, one of the best in Ireland for Salmon and trout, which rises in the Silvermines and flows into the Shannon and then the Shannon runs behind the university'.  He glanced at her, almost seeing a map being written in her mind, she loved to know more about places, and he'd heard her and Graeme swapping Pig Buyer stories as if she was a native of King's Island. Where she'd learned the Pig Buyer stories was a mystery, the girl was keeping bad company somewhere. 

'Do you know where the Silvermines are, Angela?' 

Angela hummed 'Any Tipperary Town' for him. 

'The Groody rises in County Limerick, it isn't a very big or long river, and it flows into the Shannon as well. the two rivers meet the Shannon either side of Plassey, where the university is'. 

'Groody'. Angela giggled 'It sounds like a mean old man in a children's book'. 

Michael smiled 'So it does. The Shannon is your favourite, for baptising Dassin when he pesters you'.

'He's got religion now, I threw a Bible at him as well'. 

Now, so do you think you'll be okay back at the bed and breakfast now?' 

Angela glanced at the iPad in her arms and nodded. 

Michael laughed 'Silly question, you're embracing your old friend there and can't wait for the two of you to be alone together. Try to get some sleep though, but enjoy some tea, duvet and iPad first, and we'll be up for you on Christmas Eve but you and Graeme will be texting away no doubt'. 

__

The Groody and flood plain from Dublin Road, looking towards Plassey and the Clare and Tipperary Hills in the rain.

The Salmon Leap on the Mulkear at Annacotty. 

The time between Christmas and New Year

 27/12/24

It's a good time and a bad time. I'm autistic and suddenly there's no routine, so I have restless sleep, nightmares and flashbacks. But I like the peace and quiet and the potential writing time, although I'm spending too much of it not writing.

Last night I wasn't sleeping, so this morning I was asleep on the sofa, not writing. 

I had a fantastic and very simple Christmas, mainly doing a jigsaw puzzle and watching films, which was all I wanted. I also enjoyed Mass and Christmas Dinner. I had no alcohol and very little by way of goodies, but enough to keep me content. I don't need much for Christmas, just having a roof over my head, warmth, food and tea, made it very special. I enjoyed a good walk on Christmas Day and so many people were out, there were loads of people to exchange greetings with. 

30/12/24

I didn't sleep well last night, again the lack of normal routine got to me a bit, I was having flashbacks about the man who left me on the streets of Limerick and then I was having bad dreams about him. It hurts me eternally that he illegally intercepted and accessed my medical and personal information and then tried to make me out to be nuts after leaving me homeless.

So I'm tired today but today we are almost back to normal, with the usual long day in Limerick, we got to Limerick in the dark with the Christmas lights still shining, and this normality really helped me. I stood on Sarsfield Bridge and looked at the Strand Apartments, which were in total darkness against a brooding heavy sky, amazing.

My Screensaver. Strand against storm clouds.

My next part of the routine was a bit spoiled when I got to the church and found it closed. Christmas does change things, the church usually opens early, long before 8.30 Mass, and today there is no 8.30 Mass. So I went to Arthurs Quay and did my recycling, went to the toilet, and walked down the Quay to look at the Shannon. It's good to be in Limerick again. It is different today, so quiet, especially after the pre-Christmas traffic. It felt so funny, so alien, walking up towards the station and the road so quiet, everything empty and rain-washed, the morning light against the Christmas lights.

It's a strange time. Christmas week. It can be depressing for some, and it's best to keep occupied in any way you can, jigsaw puzzles, housework, children, writing and so on.

I got two excellent books for Christmas, the Writers and Artists Yearbook 2025 and a book called 'The Organised Writer' and I've been reading 'The Organised Writer' as I needed to get my writing projects in order, and it's really helping. I have also been reading a novel called 'Call me Star Girl' which is a bit dark but interesting. I did my jigsaw puzzle and I've been watching films, but I'm still struggling a bit, mainly with trauma to do with the man who left me on the streets of Limerick and the matters surrounding that, and it triggers deeper traumas, so if you're finding things hard at this time of year, you're not alone, and remember, there are crisis hotlines, there are people a phone call away.

Don't suffer in silence. I talked to my friend as we drove into Limerick this morning, and that helped me, and then I've been into the church and talked to God. Keep communicating, this is what helps, and I'm still learning this, as an autistic and traumatised person, I'm still learning that I must reach out. My official supports don't kick in again until next week, and I think despite the bad patches, I've done very well and am doing well, it has been one of my happiest and most peaceful Christmases. 

So here I am, in the ubiquitous coffee shop on O'Connell Street in Limerick, the one where the men talk and talk, and it's another thing about today, the talking men are not here, but I'm glad to have some relative normality. Tomorrow I also have some normality as I go ahead with necessary arrangements for my life, and then we go back into holiday mode until Friday, and after that, well, Christmas is over. 

I hope you're doing well. Don't be alone, well, not too much. I need alone time in large chunks but I can get worse with depression and trauma when I'm alone, so I reach out, and then if I spend too much time with others, I get anxious and stressed, this is why a conventional job is hard for me, why self employment with short shifts for a variety of people is looking to be my best option.

Anyway, Happy New Year, or Peaceful New Year, whichever you'd like to take. Seek company and help if you're struggling, but find a balance, a healthy balance of time alone and time with people, it can be hard to do this in the Christmas week but it's a good idea. Get out of stressful or toxic or alcoholic social situations for your own sake, but don't fester alone.

I'll leave you with the 198 Theme Tune as I'm listening to it now, it is beautiful and life can be beautiful. Limerick is beautiful, if you don't know Limerick, come and visit. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sklYzudgOPU&list=RDsklYzudgOPU&start_radio=1

Memory and Music

There are days when people with difficulties and traumas can't do much. I had a day like that recently. 

What matters in life is every day. Every minute. And on days when your present is disrupted by the past, sometimes remembering and putting the memories to bed again is all you can do.

A few weeks ago I came home upset and sad. All I could do is listen to music, cry, and let some of the emotion out. I don't do that often. As an autistic person and a survivor, I am very static and can seem without the sad and angry emotions at all unless I'm really provoked, and of course there was no one to see me cry. 

Sometimes it helps to let the emotions out, to use music, as I do, to bring up the memories and then put them to bed again so I can feel better.

I started writing this post back on that day when I came home feeling bad, but so much happens in life, and it is now the week between Christmas and New Year. I had a nice Christmas, for me it isn't piles of gifts, there were no piles of gifts, but a Christmas without violence, without suffering, without squalid accommodation, without grief and anger and pain, a Christmas in a warm clean place with plenty of food and tea, a jigsaw puzzle, films, music, Mass on Christmas Day, a very nice dinner and a long walk. That's all I need, and I know I am luckier than some, that for once in all those hard, lonely, violent or desperate Christmases, I now have had a nice Christmas. If you are a survivor as I am, you may be wondering if that means things will go wrong in the New Year - yes, we do that don't we? 

Not everyone loves music or uses it to rouse and put to bed memories, but it's something I do, and it helps me, as you may have read, I walk round Limerick with my headphones or earphones and my music on, it makes me less afraid of being out among people, a thing I have never shaken off but which lessened a little with the help of a psychologist.

Music can be an incredible help to mental health, and a large percentage of the population like music and can access it. Do you like music? Treat yourself to some music if you can, whatever genre or style you like, or explore new genres. I do a virtual travel project and as I virtually travel, I learn about new styles of music from around the world. 

What do I mean by virtual travel? Well it started when I lived in France during the first part of the 'Covid Pandemic' and we were all fairly static then, and I had a feeling I'd always be poor and never be able to travel as I dreamed, so I started to explore the world virtually. I do most of this visually with comprehensive Youtube videos on the history, geography, topography and demographics of each country plus all notable places, features and culture, and then I use travel vlogs to actually visit each country. I've learned a lot, I write out what I learn but it's not for publication, it's purely for my own interest, and it's a geek thing, it's just for me, because even now, living in Ireland. I feel I may never get to travel much. I am on my 147th country and will also go on to disputed and overseas territories when I've done the official countries.

I don't want to bore you with the above, but it's another example of how life is limitless, you can learn and travel when you're disabled and a pandemic restricts the whole world from travel, so there I was, a UK citizen, living in France and then Ireland during the pandemic, and travelling all the time. It's as I said in previous posts, there are ways round roadblocks and barriers, you just have to find them.

Back to music. What music reminds you of childhood? What music reminds you of dating? What music reminds you of bad times? What music reminds you of good times? What music reminds you of grief? Use music to help you with emotions, you'll be surprised.

That night when I came home in a sad mood and had a rare cry, I went through a huge selection of music from present to distant past. The Limerick Love Song which is in my daily playlist 'By your side' by 10th Avenue North was in there of course: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdjRmM0Q0qs

Then there were songs such as 'Memory' from the musical 'Cats' and 'Old Toy Trains' by Roger Miller, which reminds me of my brother and Christmas. I haven't spoken to my brother for many years and probably never will again, he and I were close but my family are unstable and abusive and I have no contact with them. But if you can imagine growing up in a big family and then being totally separated from them, it's times like Christmas that it can hurt, but I have to think that it's the right thing for me, for my well-being. Music helps me to remember and then put the memories to bed. 

Trains and the railway were a central part of my life when I was young, and I remain an extreme train fan, and am sorely disappointed with trains and railways in Ireland, unfortunately, but I remember the trains and railways in the UK, back when they were good, yes, I'm old enough to remember. To remember slam door trains with windows which opened so that you could put your head out and the diesel locos. A big piece of my heart is with the old train days and the railway which was. 

All of us were hooked on the railway, and a family in crisis and distress found comfort in the familiarity of the railways, the trains and the stations. My brothers and sister would spend a lot of time down at the stations, passing the time and escaping the hellish situations at home, and they got to know all the station staff by name. Things are different now, you wouldn't be sitting chatting to the sparse station staff, on stations which have staff, but back then, even on that busy mainline, the staff were genial and happy to chat, a bit like in 'The Railway Children' perhaps. 

When I was aged between 8 and 11, my sister was suicidal, badly abused and with no one to turn to as my parents refused to engage about abuse and were too caught up in their own problems, so she'd go and stand on the foot crossing or the foobridge on the railway line and try to find the courage to be killed by a train, and then she'd come home and tell me about it, no one else, she'd tell me. I was close to my older sister just as I was close to my older brother, they were essentially pseudo parents to me and of course my sister's suicide ideation and the fact that she only confided in me, had a lifelong effect on me. It's one of the reasons I'm writing this blog. I want you to live. 

One of the places where my sister used to consider suicide is unfortunately too often a scene of suicide even now, as the train tracks are so accessible, and when I was researching last year, there was a suicide there. It made me think, what happens to the train and driver if the train he's driving hits someone? I looked it up and it's a lengthy and complicated process and the driver is of course affected. Suicides on train lines are too common in the UK, I don't know about Ireland but there have certainly been a few while I've been here. 

My sister used to be down at the railway every day, and often on the trains as well, she used to go in the Guard's Van with her bike, another old tradition that's been lost, the guard's van was for the train guard, parcels and bikes, she used to ride in the guard's van and talk to the guard. It's good that she got away from the family and talked to people, I didn't get so much opportunity to get away, we didn't normally go to school, a gypsy family and outside of society including schools. My sister would come home and she'd listen to 'Another Town Another Train' by Abba, 'Move On' also by Abba, 'Where the Waves Roll out to Sea'... and so those songs were part of my life. It was indeed the end of 89 when we listened to 'Happy New Year' and looked out at the darkness and the sea with the foghorns from the different ports shouting out the New Year's greeting in turn. 'What lies waiting down the line, at the end of 89...' another song and memory which stays with me. 

 'Another Town Another Train' became my theme tune, still partly is, the song of a brokenhearted traveller who lived and died on the railway line, only I didn't die, neither did my sister, we went on through life, damaged and full of problems. When I hear 'Another Town Another Train' I'm back there on that seashore in the dark, I'm back there by that railway line, and my sister, who is long gone from my life and who I will never see again, is there with me. Day to day I barely think of that family I was in, I barely give them thought, which sounds harsh, but it's the right thing for me to be separated from them, for the sake of my health, but if or when I need or want to remember, then songs wake the memories and then put them to bed. 

I wish I could tell you that things got better and we all lived happily ever after, but no, things only got worse, and by age 16, my sister had left the family and gone back there, to the town between the beach and the railway which we'd left behind, moved away from. Aged 16 and severely damaged, she tried to make her own way rather than going on being part of the family, and she ended up injured and starving. She left me her photo albums and her music. She was obviously a great Abba fan and said that 'When all is said and Done' was the song that made her realise that our parents didn't care if she lived or died. And that song reminds me of my bewilderment over her leaving us, and leaving me alone with no one to talk to, as my brother was preoccupied with other things now. My sister was one of the great influences on my early life. Then when we moved again, and Christmas was coming, my brother remembered me and took me under his wing again, we listened to Greg Lake's 'I believe in Father Christmas' as we secretly tried to make Christmas in poor conditions special for the other children.

You can possibly see a pattern there with me and my brother and Christmas. It started when we were 7 years old in that terrifying unregulated hostel with the addicts and alcoholics, secretly preparing gifts and goodies to make Christmas special for our siblings. And until this year, he would be in my thoughts at Christmas, but now my family are really fading from my memory, family are important, they shape who you are, they shape your brain, and I'm damaged for life, but they were important, it's just now they've been gone so long and hurt me so badly that as I grow, I am moving away from them and the memories, they are too far beyond forever and are not the children I grew up with anymore. And this is something I mentioned, it can be very hard to leave hurtful and abusive relationships, but when we leave, despite the pain, we then start to grow.

The worst year of my young life was when I was 12 years old. During that whole year we were caught up in serious gang violence, and I suffered a breakdown defending my mother and sibling's lives until help arrived, this was just one of the many many incidents of extreme violence during that year and throughout my childhood. I had a breakdown, but because my parents didn't allow and were against medical and psychological help, I didn't get help and became elective mute, non-speaking. The song that reminds me of those times is 'Both side of the Story' by Phil Collins. What I describe is sometimes assumed to be Belfast when people hear parts of my story, but it wasn't. In recent times, the world has expressed horror at the UK riots and the excuses made for those riots, and of how school children were involved, but it isn't new, it is part of UK culture and was around in the 80s and 90s. It isn't new but it wasn't original bred on racial hatred or immigration propaganda, there were other things behind it back then, but it has to feed off something and so race and immigration became the target. 

'Both sides of the Story' by Phil Collins takes me from that terrible year as a 12 year old on the dangerous sink estates, to the ghettos of the big city not long after, out of the frying pan and into the frying pan with no relief. 

I always tell everyone if I tell them anything about my life 'I'm only telling you the tip of the iceberg'. And that's all I can do here. I manage my memories and emotions and file them safely through music, I've only named a few songs here but for me, every place, person and emotion has a song, and I believe that is what has saved me. Does music help you? Could it help you? I have so many more memories and songs but I think I've shared enough for today and will continue the music theme another time. If you don't already, try using music to help you with life. 

My Limerick/198 playlist includes:

• 'Snow in August' Patrick Doyle's composition from Nanny McPhee. The 198 Theme. 
• 'By your Side' 10th Avenue North - The Limerick Love Song.
• 'Long before your Time' Johnny McEvoy. 
• 'Goodbye Yellowbrick Road' Elton John.
• 'Ship to Shore' Chris deBurgh. 
• 'See beneath you're Beautiful' Emile Sande and Labrinth. 
• 'Limerick you're a Lady' Various. 
• 'Three leaf Shamrock' Various
• 'Are you right there Michael' Various - I know it's a Clare song but I'm a hybrid like many people. 
• 'Brahm's Lullaby' Jewel - for O'Brien's Bridge (a village near Limerick). 
• 'Any Tipperary Town' Various - just to be controversial. 

A note on the last one. Hurling is a fiercely competitive sport, especially in County Clare, but also Limerick and Tipperary. And the little town of Clarecastle has three sports, hurling, hurling missiles, and Mass when you stop hurling things. If someone really angers you, you get the lads to bundle him into a van, drop him blindfold at Clarecastle with a hurley in his hand and shout out 'Hey lads! The Tipperary Team are here!' and drive off, hoping you remembered to give Michael a bullet proof hat and some body armour. I'll tell you the one about Mass next time. 

I wish I could put Limerick November and December 2024 in a freeze frame, in a snow globe, and keep it forever. Some of the happiest days of my life. That fecker who left me on the streets sold the property he was supposedly putting me in to rent, early in December, interesting. He wasn't really going to give me a tenancy, but didn't I fall for his games? And it devastated me but didn't kill me, because bad things happen in life, and life doesn't need to end, even if we carry the wounds, the scars. Life is limitless and beautiful. Shock, anger, grief, they are normal when bad things happen, and then slowly, we start to move forward, maybe to change things as a result of what's happened. 

I use music to help me with everything, and in the early days, sometimes all I could do was listen to my Limerick playlist, go in church to rage to God, and sit quietly.

Platitudes

 Good afternoon.

I was writing a post earlier but blogger deleted it, then the handyman arrived to measure up and I was in pyjamas and the houswork wasn't done.

Then there was another post and it's not finished. So I'm just going to write this one.

Vulnerable and disabled people do suffer a lot of being misunderstood and treated unfairly and as if we aren't valid. And when we stand up for ourselves, get angry, sometimes that makes people's attitude to us even worse. Take heart, it's not just you, people can be shitty. But platitudes can be the worst when you're struggling, the glib fake-wise repeated stuff that people come out with because they think it will solve you.

• This one is a favourite of the church 'God will never send you more than you can handle'. So are they saying it's your own fault you can't handle what is sent? Or are they suggesting that God is up there calculating what you can handle and then throwing troubles at you? Don't you believe it, God isn't that petty, bad things happen to good people and you shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to handle crisis.
• People make their own happiness - really? None of us are beset with disasters we had no control over and none of us suffer pain and loss, we can just make our own lives as we please? That wretched platitude was said to me by a millionaire who had never known hardship, at a time where I was homeless and suffering. Yes mate. 
• What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Nope, I have survived a lifetime of suffering and trauma, trauma leaves you with weaknesses. You may have found the strength and courage to get through, you may be gritting your teeth at tough times but there's nothing helpful in someone saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So tell them to walk a mile in your shoes, post the shoes back and stay a mile away.
• There's a lesson in every trial we endure. Yes, the lesson is not to listen to idiots when we are in crisis or suffering.

That's as much as I'm saying for now. Just trust yourself, no one knows you better than you, and other people who don't understand what it is like to be you and have your life do not always know better than you. Stand up for yourself, but try to do it calmly, my experience is that anger makes things worse. I'm still learning. 

Remember that what other people say is not necessarily true. We are human and have a habit of swallowing what we're told, especially if it is a popular saying and often bandied around, it doesn't mean it's true or that it's true for you! You know you best, and the strongest thing you can do for yourself is back yourself and believe in yourself no matter what other people say or do. Not always easy, believe me I know. But you back you and do whatever you can to help yourself and never mind other people being glib or criticizing you.

Here are my 'Platitudes' for you. 'Choose Life', 'Life is limitless, there is always more' and 'Back yourself'. 

You can be your own best friend, best resource and guiding light, you can find ways forward, sometimes that means going through the pain of letting go of people or places, but don't let go of life, it may not be easy, but there are ways forward. I say this as someone who chose life and to find out what life can offer, when I will always suffer from what I've been through. And the health services can be frustratingly useless with trauma survivors, but life is well worth living.

When it is Darkest

 When it is Darkest is a book by Rory O'Connor, it's about suicide. Should I be putting it up here? 

Yes. It can be a bit harrowing to read but helpful. 

One of the things that he observes is that if people are considering suicide, they often see there being no way out, they feel that they are in a tunnel with nothing but the present situation. I know what it is like to feel trapped like that. It is often possible for life to go on and move on even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. I stayed alive and although the things that led to me feeling desperate didn't go away, I'm glad I'm alive now.

Another thing the book tells is how suicide impacts on other people. It affects a lot more people around us than we think, and stays with them in their lives.