Life Force

 I hope you're settling into the new year well. 

My revolutions are going okay. I don't use any sugar in my tea. 

The other day I did my initial suicide prevention training. I have first aid first response but suicide training is equally necessary. 

You may have read my previous post. This is about the two suicidal people who I had to help.

Life Force 198: It's hard to know what to do when you're actually confronted by it

 It's good to have training and I will go on and do more training. 

When people are suicidal, it is like being in a dark tunnel with no light, no way out. People are precious, we have to look after them and support them. The most important things people need in that dark tunnel, is people with them and support. 

Support is important. It seems, after all this time and struggle, I have more support. It certainly makes a difference to me. We all need someone to turn to, a friendly face, a friendly place, a cup of tea. 

We all need to talk, to get things off our chest, however unimportant, how we don't like a new TV show, and how we don't fancy Cillian Murphy, and so on, just talking, reaching out. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to reach out but I needed to. We all need to link in with others, even if we like a lot of time alone as I do. 

As I mentioned at Christmas, I got obsessed with 'A Christmas Carol, the Musical' and I love the lines from the song 'Let us love till we die, and God Bless us, every one'. 

By the way, here's a link to great life lessons: 145 Life Lessons Everyone Needs to Learn

I'm not paid for links, it's something I found useful and agree with a number of the lessons. 

Happy New Year from Lifeforce198

 

Happy New Year in a few hours! 

What am I up to? Writing out New Year's prayers, worrying - nothing new, listening to music, sorting photo albums and files, and so on. 

How do I see the New Year in? With tea of course, with the London Fireworks live, again I give a nod to that awful country for New Year. I do New Year's Revolutions, because it's more fun, and I have a bottle of 198 champagne on hand - Apple and Elderflower sparkling water. 

So, what a year, highlights? Being violently assaulted and put in hospital, seeing firsthand how our hospital is no longer functioning safely. And then there was Leinster House, memories to savour. One thing stands out to me from the year, the kindness and friendliness, everyone who stood by me. I won't name you all, but if I name a few, they won't mind - Shane, Theresa, Michelle, Bob and the gang, Camilla, Ian, Ger, John, Lisa, Paul, all of ye, too many to name and some might not want to be named, so many people who have made life brighter. 

And at the beginning of December I had a great weekend in Dublin, a fantastic catchup with everyone, especially those who I haven't seen since I moved to Limerick. So many special people. It made me laugh that the lazer beams from the awful light show on Dublin's O'Connell Street can be seen all the way to South Dublin. 

In brief my New Year's Revolution started up before the New Year, and it's about changing my reactions and trying to improve how I relate to people. With the level of trauma and psychological damage I've suffered, I struggle miserably with interactions and relating to people and I need to change, but it's not overnight, especially when trauma to do with relationships is hardwired into me. But I'll try with help. 

Wishing you a Happy New Year or at least a peaceful one if things are difficult. Remember what I said last year. Not everyone can have a happy Christmas or New Year, the image of happy families is an image, and many people struggle, take heart, it's not you, it's life. 

 Dr O'Brien, I've 

took your railway set, hope you don't miss it. 

The fireworks were great, both live from London and in our local area. And it's New Year's Day evening now. I walked into town, there were buses and my bike, but I think I needed walking time. I went to the 'Sober Rave' at Wickham Way for a while, I snagged a free ticket and attended out of curiosity. 

It was interesting, a real disco/warehouse rave feel but no drugs or alcohol, people dancing sober, loud music and lights, great fun. I avoid pubs, clubs and alcohol behaviour, so it was nice to be able to take part. I hope they keep it up and grow it. 

Happy Christmas from Life Force 198!

It's been too long. I've been so caught up in life's dramas that I've barely been blogging. 

Happy Christmas to you. Yes you! Don't be lonely, I'm here, life force, power, pure joy! 

familiar Limerick sight 

It's my second Christmas here, although I was around last Christmas, just not officially in Limerick on Christmas day or after the working week finished in Limerick, I was of course a fingernail over the border, in Shannon. 

I'm glad to be here, imperfect and broken as life and Limerick are. I'm glad I saw this Christmas in in Limerick. If you want to see my feelings in poetry, I've written something up on Castletroy Words: 

Christmas in Limerick 

It's Christmas Eve. I'm autistic and pedantic so I have a list of everything Christmas and the run up to Christmas should contain, and I can't think of anything that's missing this year, apart from figs, it was hard to get figs, by the time I got to thinking of food over Christmas, it was running a little late and nowhere had figs left. 

This Christmas I had my trip to Dublin. I had a weekend in Dublin, a wonderful special weekend, very special. I got to meet up with people who I haven't seen since my disastrous crash-landing in Limerick 16 months ago. It was an incredible weekend. 

This December I've had an overdose of carol singing, loved it, had mulled wine, just a nip, and didn't find that mulled wine inspiring, it was more plum and less spice, not to my taste, but at least I tried it. I guess I was spoilt having grown up where I did, where people really knew how to make mulled wine for carolling. Anyway, we had two great nights carolling and even someone throwing a firework didn't deter us. Eeejits. 

Limerick's tree leans to the left...

I've enjoyed church, Christmas meals, Christmas parties even, see, the old me from long ago is resurfacing, but in my case, not alcohol shaped parties, real parties. I have been swamped with generosity in the form of presents and food, I've had meals and coffees with friends in Limerick and in Dublin, I've enjoyed pre-Christmas church, Christmas films, Christmas music, pulling crackers, giving and receiving cards and gifts, enjoying the brightly decorated houses as I walk and bike around, the lights and trees in town, my own little Christmas table with a small tree, lights, candles and the cards, presents and goodies laid out. I got my 10 cent decorations and little tree at the same place as last year - poor and happy am I, of course that's the thing about Christmas, remember Tiny Tim being so happy, and so delighted they could afford a small chicken. If any of you haven't seen the musical version of 'A Christmas Carol' I recommend it. I don't need excess or alcohol, Christmas can be made up of many things and not costing much - don't snort if Christmas leaves you in debt, I live hand to mouth, Jesus was born to save us and that's what the celebration is about, not material things.

This evening we had a lovely evening Mass, packed with families home for the holidays. Now I'm enjoying slouching around, the house to myself, eating everything I shouldn't and drinking tea. 

Do any of you know 'Angela's Christmas'? I may have mentioned it last Christmas. It's a heartwarming little tale, told by the late great Frank McCourt himself about an adventure his mother got up to when she was young at Christmas, it's touching and funny as well as sad. Very Frank McCourt. Since I came to Limerick it has become part of the Christmas list for me, every year new songs, films and traditions join me, this year it is the musical of 'A Christmas Carol'. I also like Andre Rieu's 'Home for Christmas' concert, which is a cross between film and music. 

I have my films, 'Home Alone' 1 and 2, the many sequels are just money spinners, they aren't Home Alone films, no Kevin. Miracle on 34th Street, the newer one, Nativity 1, the rest are just money spinners and really bad, A Christmas Prince 1, 2 sometimes, but 3 is just a money spinner, the story is gone by then, I wish sequals could be banned. Then there's the trio - The Snowman, The Bear and Father Christmas - no I'll never grow up, Frosty the Snowman gets a look in too. Then there's a rare film called 'Heaven Sent' and that's a kind of sentimental thing, I remember it in French when I lived in France and actually it was a better film in French. A Christmas Carol in various forms is a good watch, then there's the Grinch, I prefer the animated version, then there's my go-to favourite, 'Deck the Halls' - the one with Buddy Hall and Steve Finch, not the old film. I never really took to 'It's a Wonderful Life' the old classic everyone names. The Holiday - my old favourite from France, and 'Love Actually' - that classic British one which reminds me my heritage isn't all bad. There are so many Christmas films, many are just romances with Christmas decorations, but if you are all 'Bah humbug' just try watching any old film you like and making the most of the Christmas break to relax. I'm going to watch Mary Poppins right now because that smoky London atmosphere is Christmassy enough, if you know and love London, seeing the old London is a treat. 

I nod to my heritage each winter, I start in November with the livestream of the Hastings Bonfire Parade and carnival. I join them with livestream and I instantly move on to the livestream walks of the London Christmas lights, atmospheric and unmissable, and I also watch the London Fireworks on New Year's. These are my personal traditions. Modern technology enables people who live apart from countries and places that they love to retain links and traditions and not miss out on events like those. It's the good side of modern tech. 

Hot chocolate is expensive in Ireland, everything is incredibly expensive in Ireland now, but I tend to have one hot Chocolate before Christmas. This year it was at a nice cafe on Roches Street, and I had that in a slight hurry before carol singing. 

This December I got to visit Dublin, Cork - (don't ask) and Galway, and I got to Killarney in November. I didn't expect my normal Galway visit this year, so much was happening, but I made it. I got my usual photos of the Christmas markets, but it was a tough one in many ways, including being my first trip there since someone special there died. Still, I made it and kept the tradition. I remember doing that trip in the snow in the past but this year it just rained. I didn't make it to Belfast this year, nor last year, but in my mind, my memory, my photos, I'm there, enjoying the Christmas markets and everything else I love about Belfast. The song 'One more mile to go' by Chris de Burgh, reminds me of coming back home from Belfast to Dublin after a Christmas trip, although that song has older memories for me as well. Lets talk songs. 

I have a lifelong love for Christmas songs, stemming from my friendship with my brother, which was cemented when we were children in a violent dangerous homeless hostel at Christmas. We used to hide, listen to Christmas music secretly on headphones and plot to make Christmas special for the others. That is how Christmas became special and magical to me, and has remained so despite all the lonely, violent, cold and poverty-Stricken Christmases. The magic is still there, although through December this year, I felt so tired and stressed and unhappy that I almost missed out on the magic, I had my mind on life issues and felt I wasn't going to celebrate Christmas at all, but Christmas has pulled me along and pulled me in, and it's been good. I know it's only 8.15 on Christmas Eve, but it still feels like one of the better Christmases, and I'm not isolated and dependent like last year, I'm actually in Limerick, and I like that. I like it a lot. 

I hope to spend the break sorting a lot of stuff out, stuff that's been left while I was caught up in problems and dramas. I was watching Mary Poppins but when I wrote about 'One more mile to go' I really wanted to hear it, so I'm playing it on repeat. Another Chris, Chris Norman, did some brilliant underrated Christmas songs, including 'Christmas Song' not to be confused with 'That's Christmas' which I don't like, his actual 'Christmas Song' has some of my favourite lyrics 'Through the ages pain and sorrow never can be justified, comes the dawning of tomorrow, love will always be my guide'. Idealistic and not necessarily true, but beautiful. This song reminds me most of my Christmas in the Pyrenees: V1 Raylor Us H1 16 9    I always double that one with 'For you' which for me is a Christmas song as well, and also my love song for France. I remember driving home from the Pyrenees, the steel grey winter sky of my home department rising ahead and the signs for Lorient, beloved Lorient, passing me. 

Shannon Airport of course. 

I'm taking a short break from writing because I want to walk round the neighbourhood and look at Christmas lights, do you ever do that? Have you ever been to any of those huge charity displays, there used to be a really big one in our county town where I used to live. I never actually went in to see it, but I used to drive past and weave through the crowds going in and out. I was a delivery driver on evening shifts back then, and sometimes I wish I was again, I wish I could turn back time, but we can't turn back time or change the past, we can only be here and now. 

I came back from a nice walk. I walked to the main road and round the estates. I saw a lot of lights, it's cold out there. It was the first cold clear day after what seems like months of rain. It has added to the good feeling of Christmas. 

There are so many songs over the year that make me think of Christmases past, starting with 'Old Toy Trains' and 'I believe in Father Christmas' from when myself and my brother used to make Christmas magical and on to 'Christmas Lights' which reminds me of losing two friends five years apart both at Christmas. The songs, the carols, they have memories, and as years pass, new songs, new memories. 

It's 11.20 and I wavered between early night, tired from the day's efforts, and staying up doing housework and other tasks, and I stayed up of course, no early start tomorrow, Mass isn't until 11.30, dinner is 3 pm, and I will be lazy and then have eggs and rashers for breakfast, with some of the nice coffee I've been given, a treat.

The Leaky Teapot and the Presidential Election

In the last few days I've been to the Leaky Teapot a few times. Drinking tea while doing paperwork or waiting for things. 

I enjoyed seeing the Shannon as I sat in the window. In the summer the trees are in leaf and they block the Shannon out. I didn't know if I'd see my second winter in Limerick, but here I am. The Shannon has been fierce like the Corrib in the last few days and I've sat and watched it from the cafe and stood down there on the Quay as well. There was some filming going on down there. 

The Leaky Teapot was busy this second time, and I was lucky to get a window seat. I sat with my tea, I was waiting in between my messages and errands, and the afternoon Mass, and so I had a cup of tea, can't usually afford food, but to my surprise, people who knew me were eating and got me a meal. This is my Limerick, and this is how kind and generous people have always been to me while I've been in Limerick. I enjoyed curry, rice and chips. Chips with curry and rice is an Irish thing and very pleasant. 

leaky teapot

On the subject of kindness. I watched the presidential race with interest. I am not supposed to be political or personal or biased, but it was a very clear cut race. There should have been more candidates, yes, but the winner won. 

The man who left me on the streets of Limerick in the beginning is a strong FG personality. I found out through him about politics, about FG, and about where things are going wrong in Ireland. He claimed to be friends with the FG presidential candidate and have her number, before she was a presidential candidate of course. 

The independent candidate Catherine Connolly, carried herself well throughout the campaign, was clear on her mandate and very human, able to reach people. She is very natural and friendly and people warmed to her. The desperate mudslinging by Right Wing Fine Gael backfired and made them look very bad. 

Something I found a bit shocking when I came to Ireland and especially when I went to college in Dublin, was women of grandmother age trying to be sexy. I've not seen this in the UK or France or any country, but figure hugging and revealing clothes, lots of makeup, accessories, scarlet nails, in older women, it has made me sad to see, because they shouldn't need to be trying like that. It's my opinion and I'm totally natural myself and have never tried to attract men. What stood out about Catherine Connolly was that she's totally natural, didn't try to hide herself behind any kind of paint, and didn't try to show herself off, she conducted herself much as President Higgins himself would. I think people saw this. She presented as a person, not a mask. Anything in life that depends on wearing a mask is hollow. 

Her win was deserved. You have the Irish Times and the Irish Sun reading similar headlines of her win, but the Times, Right Wing, are adding about the spoiled vote, trying not to gain the disapproval of the nation while having a quiet sour grapes moment, while the Sun, Left Wing, adds a little bit about her rival giving her best wishes. The little difference between tabloid and broadsheet this morning.

The clocks changed last night, they still look the same to me but I got to stay in bed longer and laugh at the comments on the Journal headlines. 

That's the Shannon yesterday when I left the Leaky Teapot. A low rapid tide, often a paradise for kayakers. 

So Ireland has a new President but it was a messy and controversial election which left a number of potential candidates and candidates looking bad. It was an Irish breed of disaster.

The end result was okay. I guess at the moment I could say the same about my bumpy landing in Limerick. There has been a lot of bad but certainly some positives. 

He's gone

I heard today that my friend had died and I wrote this. 

He’s gone—

the news arrived today.

He’s gone,

so far away.

His voice, his smile, his gentle grace,

live only now in memory’s space.

No more upon the clifftop high,

laughing as the seabirds fly,

watching basking sharks below,

his joy a light, a steady glow.

No longer at the front he’ll stand,

words of comfort close at hand;

that smile we cherished, kind and true,

a gift the world no longer knew.

He’s gone—

and none can take his place.

He walks in heaven, face to face

with our Lord, his journey done—

no longer bound, but home, at one.

It's hard to know what to do when you're actually confronted by it

In this post I refer to a previous attempted suicide where myself and my friend intervened, on this old post: 

https://lifeforce198.blogspot.com/2024/12/gerry-and-incident-in-dublin.html

I often blog about reasons to live. This blog was originally a mental wellness and suicide prevention blog, but I have so much going on that I barely have time to come up with posts on mental wellness and quality of life.

This evening I was sitting in bed, I was tired and didn't intend to take my writing downstairs as usual, so I was sitting up watching the Addams Family and just vaguely warming up to write. I'm writing a new novel 'Empire's Survivor' if I haven't already mentioned it. Anyway my friend came into my room. Unusual but okay. He sat on my bed and told me he was suicidal. 

I'm supposed to have some training and knowledge, but in the training they teach you how to deal with suicidal strangers, bridge jumpers and so on. And as you know, I've dealt with such a scenario once and we saved her, but a friend coming to you in this state is a different matter and I was sitting with my laptop, not expecting this at all. I was totally thrown.

He told me that our other friend wouldn't help him, that he wanted a gun and our friend wouldn't bring his gun. (it turns out he no longer has a gun), anyway, he wanted me to get a gun. I talked to him about gun law and how if anyone brought him a gun they'd be arrested, and we didn't want him dead. 

He needed to talk and to be with someone, and that was fine, you know how I am, a troubled autistic person with many bad memories, so I felt at a bit of a loss here, but of course I wanted to help him. 

I asked him to talk to me. In the training you're taught to ask the person's name and introduce yourself to build a bond and make the person feel they're not alone, which didn't work with the semi-conscious suicide attempt in Dublin and would be no use with my friend. He sat on the bed and asked me if I'd get him a gun. He told me he'd asked at the gun shop but as he wasn't part of a gun club, they wouldn't let him have a gun. 

I texted the manager of the mental health charity but he wasn't much help. He said that I should phone the guards, this wouldn't help much. I texted our friend and he told me to just listen to him and be there for him and that he said these things to all his friends. Okay, I understand that but why can't something be done? Why is no one being more proactive? I guess many people find it hard like this when someone they know tells them they're suicidal. 

I explained gun laws to him, no one can get him a gun for suicide without being arrested. I looked up resources. I've done some volunteering with Pieta House, and so I emailed the person I had contact with there. In the end I phoned his psychiatry clinic with his consent and he left a message asking for a nurse to call out. 

He says he hasn't been able to sleep properly for years, he's troubled by a voice in his head. He's become very depressed with lack of sleep and lack of quality of life with the voice in his head. It's a tough one. Really I would imagine the only solution would be to change his medications, but he says no, and he saw his psychiatrist today and didn't tell them what was on his mind. So really it's hard to do much unless someone proactively liaises with his mental health team. 

He went back to his room to rest, and talked with me a bit longer later, mainly about the lack of sleep. You can imagine it's hard to do anything when you can't do anything. I just listened and sympathized. I hope the clinic can take his message seriously and someone can come round. 

Suicidal thoughts and actions impact on people around the person who is suffering. 

As previously mentioned, if someone is suicidal, they can get trapped in a dark tunnel of despair and not see a way out or a time when the problem isn't a problem. So if this man hasn't been sleeping for a long time, it's hard for him to see anything different. I remember what I'm like when I miss one night's sleep, I get physically and emotionally sick very easily, so it must be bad to have missed so much sleep. To choose life, there have to be things to live for, and without sleep, everything can be affected, it can be hard to see any positives. 

Update on that. 

I liaised with this friend's psychiatric team and pushed them to call out as they tried to ignore the request and phone him or ask him to go to them, which he wouldn't. They'd been unaware of how bad things were, and met with me and him and continued proactive contact, and as I left the situation, I left it with them and trusted they'd handle it. 

It's not far to Tipperary

 

The Cork-Tipperary Final which Tipperary won. The only time I have ever backed Cork. Window in Tipperary with derogatory remarks for Cork. 

Poor people such as myself don't really get holidays. But I've done okay for short breaks this year. It's certainly not the 4 star 'We hate tourists' hotel in Puerto del Carmen for me, but I had a nice week in Dublin with the little dog, three walks on the beach every day and a visit to my old haunts, and then this weekend I had a fantastic mini-break in Tipperary. 

I'd never been to Tipperary Town before. I know Nenagh, some people will be rolling their eyes there. I am not that keen on Nenagh. Tipperary is very different. 

Tipperary is like Mullingar with mountains, it's so similar to Mullingar. Shout out to the good people of Mullingar, I miss you, by the way. Mullingar is one of the kindest places in Ireland.

Tipperary has a similar layout to Mullingar in some ways, but especially the main street. It looks like Mullingar's main street. Then behind there's the Abbey School, which looks grim, it looks like part of the history of religious schools and institutions. There are various other grim and foreboding buildings, then there's the contrasting Excel Cultural Centre, modern, blue. 

Tipp has its problems. The main road is narrow and congested and they do have a share of antisocial behaviour including 'Rogue Car', one car which speeds round and round the roads all night. And then you get the 'Skins Lorry' coming through and it makes the town smell. The skins lorry came through while I was in Tipperary. I didn't see it, but I certainly smelled it, and the town keeps the smell the next day. 

See what I mean...Mullingar.

I stayed in a lovely old place, friendly and welcoming, comfortable and homeley. Every comfort. I had a good sleep and a tasty breakfast, and I thought of Mullingar. I loved seeing the Galtee Mountains up close. If you're up the side of Mount Meelick, you can see the Galtees with their eternal hat of cloud from there and various other places around Limerick. 

Life isn't perfect, especially not for the poor in Ireland, but sometimes we get a break. Sometimes luck throws something our way, and we can grab it and enjoy it. It was a little break, a little but pleasant experience. I grabbed it. And the buses to Tipperary are pretty good, it's not a long journey and on an august weekend it was a quiet bus. Grab those little gems in life and hold onto them, put them in that box of little gem memories. 

I started writing a new novel by the way. It's about a property tycoon. 5,000 words so far.