Grandmother's Potatoes

 We recently had some crazy fits with local buses, something went wrong with the display control systems on Limerick and Clare bus Eireann buses. 

The funniest and most commented was the 343 becoming the 4343, people talked about the Twilight Zone. 

I was going through a tough time with the commute and so on and wasn't so amused, and commented that the newly returning students from further afield would be very confused. 

Then I caught an even funnier bus destination and I don't know if it was deliberate but the driver was falling about when I got photos. A 305/A local cross-town service terminated on Patrick Street, reading 'Sligo via Dublin', my friend commented that this was a very confused bus among all the confused buses with incorrect number, more so that he was reading '304A' and he definitely wasn't in the right place to be that either.

The most famous bus destination sign in Limerick is 'Grandmother's Potatoes', a local joke which baffles visitors. I remember having a terrible day and cheering up when I saw it. It reminds us of the lighter side of life.

In 2014, Limerick was City of Culture, and a theatre troupe came to town and did a sketch called 'Grandmother's Breakfast', a local bus, full of potatoes, 4 tons, I think, was part of the sketch, and bus drivers never forget it, and remind us of it occasionally.

Limerick is a special and quirky place, we have Grandmother's Potatoes. We also have people having romances with postboxes, and this features heavily in some of my work. We recently looked at expanding on this, with a murder mystery and a comedy.

The murder mystery sees Rogue Property Tycoon Michael G. Tierney, brutally murdered, with the postbox as the only witness, and the comedy is 'The Observations of a Limerick Postbox' where the postbox sees everything, from the Ornamental Gardai scrolling their phones to Stuart with his egg fried rice - sorry Stu, couldn't resist, and the romantic liaisons the postbox has, and of course the confidential information it eats as well as various other objects that people rudely place in its mouth. 

It's a misty Saturday morning in Limerick, the first mist of the season, and I'm enjoying rare peace and quiet and rest for once. Beautiful. Christmas films, haha. 

Music

 I was playing the piano at Limerick Colbert. 

There's a piano there, and like most pianos in stations, it advertisers a piano sale and repair outlet, but it's out of tune. I promise I didn't try my ukulele tuner on it. I hate the uke tuner, I tune every play and yet somehow uke 2 is so out of tune it's flatlining each time on two strings.

Cord changes, cord changes, hard on my injured hand. 

I was playing 'Ode to Joy' on the piano, and then I moved on to the LCETB anthem 'God bless us everyone' Alan Menken not the other one. It's because I had it on headphone and really wanted to play it, and so I did. I love music so much.

Yeah, music is life, I painstakingly took up music again after so much physical and mental anguish that I lost the physical and intellectual ability. 

As I sit and write, I'm listening to 'Snows of New York', my life is a sound track, and this one is a sad memory, about the Boss Man who died. The leader of the White Hats fell on the battlefield. 

Someone really helped me with that recently. They told me he chose to make the sacrifices he made, just as I chose to reach out and prevent two suicides, and he and I in humanity, did the same thing. It helped. 

The song following on is 'A place in the choir' best sung by the comedic and lovely Celtic Thunder. It reminds me of my days up at St Patrick's Road in Limerick, a grim time but with highlights. 

So what is being a student like now? I don't know, not deeply inspiring, but okay. I'm sitting in the smelliest library in the world to write this. It smells like someone tracked dog poo in.

Snow in August

 I recently created a new blog about the man who played with my life, took my data and left me on the streets of Limerick.

He's been making a public spectacle of himself and reminding me that he would kill without conscience because his self help programme and awry psychology enables him to reframe things to absolve himself.

This is the new blog: https://thestorybehindlifeforce198.blogspot.com/

Sad News

Yesterday I heard that someone had died. The obituary didn't say how, but it would have been by taking his life or by self-neglect as he wouldn't eat or drink a lot of the time. 

May the deceased rest in eternal peace and may his loved ones know peace and comfort. 

A year ago that person asked me to help him to take his life. 

It was a terrifying and stressful time a year ago, he'd tried to get the means to take his life, and couldn't.
Sadly although he meant it, his friends brushed it off and said 'He's always doing that, ignore him' but I couldn't, so I, with no experience of mental health teams and so on, managed to persuade them that he wouldn't speak by phone or call out to them as he was a recluse and in despair. 

Although they called out, took action, worked with him, it wasn't possible to give him a spark, a reason to want to live, but I entrusted it to them as I would be gone and they are professionals and took the matter seriously, credit to them, their human and concerned approach was appreciated. I was included as if I was a family member, both by them and by him, but while I was there he was open that he wanted to die, and nothing, not friends, not activities, nothing in his life gave him something he wanted to live for.

This is what I wrote at the time: 

https://lifeforce198.blogspot.com/2025/08/its-hard-to-know-what-to-do-when-youre.html

As a result of this and the other suicide mentioned, and my sister's suicidal behaviour when I was young, I went on to train in suicide prevention and other mental health topics, so a legacy of the recently deceased is that I can help others who are in distress. I am very glad that Limerick has two dedicated and compassionate suicide prevention teams who patrol the Shannon edges, they help many people, but a person can decide to take their life anywhere and not always with advance warning that others notice. 

God rest his soul. Sleep well, brother, I know it was so tough and you hurt so much every day and waited because you felt that was all you could do, but your friends will miss you a lot. 

I am sorry to say that I still wont always say the right thing or word things correctly, I am human, and I am struggling myself although not suicidal, as the man who left me on the streets of Limerick two years ago is doing a prolonged faux celebrity stunt run in the press which disrupts my life and work, he's been at it since March, and he's using a long dead politician who was as bad as himself as a prop for that. 

We all have mental health and a need for support, and for me this is particularly difficult as people who have abused me, including the man who left me on the streets of Limerick, used 'Mental health' as a term to try to excuse what they did to me because of my reaction, so the term still traumatises me and makes seeking help hard. But we all have mental and physical health, and in the current climate, getting help can be hard. My late friend had stopped seeking help because he didn't find help that helped, he'd stopped talking because no one heard him. 

I am fortunate in having a good boss and several friends who I can be open with about my distress, about the shock of yesterday's news, it's important to talk, so please do. 

A clumsy prose in memory:

https://castletroywords.blogspot.com/2026/08/goodnight-brother.html

Air on a G-String

Good evening. I hope you're okay. This blog isn't being written as and when I'd envisioned but never mind.

Let me tell you about my day. 

It's my day off from work and I fell out of bed sleepy after a tough week. I had an exam at 9 am and I thought I was doing fine and would be all set. It was an online exam, due last week and delayed. 

I went to set up, my laptop crashed and the other one isn't the right spec. I fought to get the laptop working and it started, and then decided to install updates. 

I was seething as I logged in in danger of losing my exam because of the time. The proctor knows me and is the most patient person in the world so he told me to stay calm, and he helped me set up.

If I'd taken the exam last week it would have been 100% but I got 85% this time. Which is better than being disqualified. Many thanks to a really good proctor who has calmed me down before.

One of my next adventures was very Limerick. I recently acquired my second ukulele but it needed re-stringing, so I was taking it to the music shop in town.

The one missing string was a G String. Limerick is crazy and so am I, so I wandered round town with my uke, asking people if they'd seen my G String.

In Limerick the reply would be 'Well 'oose 'ouse did you leave it to, you hun?' 

When I'd worn the joke out, I headed for the music shop. Left my new baby with them, became a music shop person properly, seeing as I was having an instrument repaired, and went for my shopping.

Later I went and collected the newly repaired instrument, and headed for my bus. I had no plectrum so I used my leap card and the bus queue giggled. 

'No busking on the bus' the driver told me sternly 'Not even Limerick you're a lady' 

At home, messaging with a friend, we were reminded of my survey a few years ago, where I walked round Limerick asking people if they were normal.

My friend commented that I had surely packed my sanity when I moved over from France, but Limerick had other ideas.

Coat Tail Riding

 It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog. I've been busy with work and study. 

This blog was 'suicide prevention, mental wellness and Limerick' and was sparked by poor treatment by the man who left me on the streets as he continued to interfere in my life, and the subsequent matching poor treatment by local homeless services which nearly made me give up in despair. 

The man who left me on the streets has delusions of being a celebrity or public figure and does weird stunts in the press. He did this recently and of course it triggered all the trauma. 

I spoke to someone and asked why he did this. He kind of glorifies dead people and shows off in obituaries columns which is very odd. Sometimes I think he's afraid of his own death and what might come out when he dies. 

I was thinking of him earlier. I was in Tipperary and I thought about him coming to see me, and each time, spending all his time on his phone and texting, which is rude to say the least, but certainly told me where I was on the scale of importance. 

Two years ago he left me having a breakdown from his behaviour. It's almost two years since I arrived in Limerick.

I asked someone about his faux celebrity stunts off the backs of other people, especially dead people. 

These are some reasons they came up with. 

1. Basking in reflected Glory, a psychology term for gaining status by associating yourself with admired or successful people. 
2. Virtue Signalling.
3. Name-dropping
4. coat tail riding
5. Self-promotion by association/image management/reputation building.
6. Hero-worshipping - a strange thing to do with dead people in public. 
7. Self-aggrandizement
8. Canonizing
9. Hagiography - this and the previous one really describe his games, he makes dead people into saintly people to get himself attention, his recent one was a notorious troublemaker politician and drunk driver who got his arresting garda dismissed from the force. 

Someone did a blog and touched on this. The blog isn't my work and does not describe the man who damaged me so much, but it's a spoof:

 Beyond Shannon Blog

The trauma of what this man did to me never really faded, because he refused to conclude or explain and walked away not just feeling no responsibility but still harming me by interfering in my life. Worse, his showing off indicates he thinks highly of himself and won't take responsibility for hurting me or others or treating the law as optional.

There's a darker element to the Dolores O'Riorden thing, she was sexually abused by someone who may have been high profile in Limerick, and the person was never brought to justice but apparently 'apologised' to her, you can't really apologise for sexual assaulting someone when they were a child. Abusers don't abuse just once. I am curious about why the man who harmed me so badly was fascinated with O'Riorden in her death. He makes a show of rubbing shoulders with high profile locals.

He absolutely wrecked my life. I have no idea why he decided I was a toy but I was surprisingly naive and let him take me over, steal my medical data and so on. 

God bless us everyone

 Hello you all, 

Sorry I haven't been updating life force. There's always so much going on, but I will update soon. 

In the meantime, this is beautiful and not my work or copyright. I have just finished writing The Road to Shannon (at last!) and am thinking of calling the next book 'Star by Star'. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BejL7cf9bE0&list=RDBejL7cf9bE0&start_radio=1

Let the stars in the sky
Remind us of man's compassion
Let us love till we die and
God Bless us everyone

In your heart there's a light
As bright as a star in heaven
Let it shine through the night and
God bless us everyone

Till each child is fed,
Till all men are free,
Till the world becomes a family

Star by star in the sky and
Kindness by human kindness
Light this world with your love and
God bless us everyone

Till each child is fed,
Till all men are free,
Till the world becomes a family

Let the stars in the sky
Remind us of man's compassion
Let us love till we die and
God Bless us everyone

Tipperary

 It's been a while. I'm in Tipp. 

I arrived yesterday and nothing much as moved since last time. The lorries still push through, thankfully the skins lorry hasn't been around yet. 

I found an interesting place which made me think of lifeforce198. It's some kind of support place, and it has loads of great notes in the window to inspire people. I needed such inspiration. Here is is, unfortunately my camera is a bit basic so you can't see much, but it's a great idea. Who knows who this window might help or save as they pass by. The sign with Tipperary on actually says 'Welcome to Tipperary, you have come a long way'. It reminded me of my old poem 'It's not far to Tipperary'. I think I did a blog post on here with the same name. 

Tipperary is my port in a storm, but there are elements, memories, which trouble me. The picture below is the Abbey School, with the lads playing their sports out the front. 

In the 198 Theme tune, Snow in August, there's the reprise of another song called 'Lullaby' and in the words it says 'Will you guard, will you keep, will you watch over these, my lambkins, my sweet chickadees'. 

Those little lads, tough and worldly as they pretend to be, are vulnerable youngsters, with the right to safety, innocence, such as it is in teenage boys, and to only be watched over by trusted adults with boundaries. 

Imagine the anguish of someone who knows that a guardian of such youngsters may not be trustworthy, but they can do nothing about it.

This is Lullaby https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqANnGKYEIM

And this is the 198 Theme, Snow in August. And this is what the story of 198 and Limerick has been founded on. Normally I never write things like this but I'm in a vulnerable sad place right now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-22iMl8BiI

The Pink Ukelele

 Having finished my first diamond art painting and feeling good that my motor skills didn't hold me back, I was thinking of learning cross stitch and doing more diamond art as my rest and break activities from my studies. But while waiting for an appointment in town, I found a new unused ukulele for 1 Euro. It may be child-size and pink but I decided it was for me. 

I used to have a guitar and a keyboard before my life was wiped out  decade ago. Now I have a small ukulele and I am taking up music again. Something I learned about life when I was a teenager is 'There is always more'. And so a pink ukulele became more, and I walked through town playing the ukulele and went to my appointment with it.

Pink Ukulele

There is always more, and life renews and regenerates. In 'Dreamcatcher' by Stephen King, he depicts life force as a child filling a bucket from the sea, the sea doesn't run out.

Life is tough, it doesn't always go as we hope. I've had a recent very difficult day and I'm just getting on with things. I like my ukulele lessons and refreshing my music theory. I used to study with Trinity College London but I'll be joining the RIAM. I believe now that I can play the keyboard again, my injured hand allows Ukulele, so it will probably allow keyboard.

I have started rehabilitation exercise now. It impacts your body first time, but it was a good sign that it didn't incapacitate me. Life regenerates and sometimes the new growth is better. 

Life force. power, pure joy. 

Happy Easter 2026 from Lifeforce198

Good evening, 

Easter Saturday 2026. 

Just got home from a meeting to have a break before going out to the Easter Vigil. I'd been thinking about my poem 'Monaleen Church' and as it isn't in for a competition, I reposted it on Castletroy words: 

https://castletroywords.blogspot.com/2026/04/easter-memories-repost-of-monaleen.html

I should use URL shorteners, I know. 

So, Easter 2026, a pleasant enough time, a bit like last Christmas.

I went to the Last Supper service. Then yesterday I took part in 'The Big Clean Up' which is Limerick's Unique festival of spring cleaning the town and socialising. We had good celebrations of goodies and scones and tea and more goodies, I made it home with a load of snaffled goodies in my bag. I got part of the Stations of the Cross on the way home, watched the whole of it online, and I went to the Lord's Passion service at the local church.

Easter goodies at the Big Cleanup. 

I have been very busy despite it being a holiday, major spring clean of my own things, and also everything in the wash including bed sheets. Also I've been revising, doing important paperwork and much more. 

Now I'm heading for the Easter Vigil, and thinking the weather is the same as last Easter, which was a week earlier than this one.  

Easter Sunday 2026.

The Easter Vigil was good. I went to the local church again for that. I'd come back from a meeting and I'd walked alongside the Shannon to and from the meeting, with the storm blowing the Shannon back in big waves, awesome, and I got home for a quick break, thinking Easter is a very busy time, not much rest. I enjoyed the Easter Vigil, we did have a fire, but it was a little thing, hardly visible, not like the blazing brazier at Monaleen Church. I did consider going to Monaleen church but I've been so busy, so tired, I thought I'd simply be too tired to get home so late at night. I don't tend to be out late, and coming home just after 10 last night was late enough for me.

The Shannon going a bit wild.

This morning I woke peaceful with no alarms going off. The sun was shining and it was quiet. I enjoyed a lazy start. I watched my old favourite film 'LEnfant de Noel' just to prove I can get the seasons confused. I made up dinner tubs for the week, spaghetti and tomato and sauce, and I got on with studying and paperwork, I realised I didn't really want to go over for Easter Mass at the local church so I watched the Easter Mass at my church online. Sometimes I need to slow down.

The sunshine turned to heavy showers and strong winds, but by 1 pm it was okay to bike down to get my Easter dinner, and what a dinner it was! Yummy. Turkey with mash and gravy and loads of veg, I always ask for more veg as he does really tasty veg. There was Eaton Mess for dessert, delicious, and I got the Easter Egg I wanted. I saw the lads getting Kitkat eggs and I thought 'Oh no' because Kitkat isn't my favourite. But I got a white chocolate buttons egg, I was delighted. Ah it was lovely. Biking back along the Shannon, town has been crazy because two hurling matches were back to back at TUS Gaelic Grounds and the second one was Limerick, so the traffic was manic. 

I came home, tired, full of good food, enjoyed some Easter chocolate, and the sun is out again now, although it's windy and the clouds keep moving through. Today and tomorrow are just study and paperwork and final touches to the spring clean, maybe I'll relax and rest a little.

The box is empty, the egg has risen.

On a final note, as well as enjoying Easter, I remember Passover. Passover 1st fell immediately before Maundy Thursday, on the Wednesday.

It's a strange one. My dad was a Messianic Jew, and I guess I am too. He was very orthodox about it though, he used to say 'You don't 'celebrate Passover' or say 'Happy Passover', you remember Passover, it's a solemn feast. We didn't celebrate Easter at home but we acknowledged Christ Crucified for our sins and Christ Risen.

One of my memories of my father was him singing this, his hands in the air, joyful. It's still one of my favourites: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbBOOmkMLmI

My circumstances mean I have no oven, and grilling or frying lamb for Passover, is difficult even if I could afford it, so I asked my old friend Michael, AKA God, if I could have chicken for Passover. God answered by putting diced lamb in the reduced section at the supermarket and ensuring I had time and peace to grill it. So I had my Passover meal with lamb and bitter herbs. For so many years I couldn't read the story of Exodus without crying because I would always hear my dad's voice telling the story, and this year I found a nice neutral animated film, no extra dramas like some church films, it told the whole story in a calm way. although I told the film off every time there was a short cut that missed a detail - very Jewish of me. 

So there we have it, festivals and holidays. Beautiful. Christ is Risen! Hallelujah! 

St Patricks Day 2026

 It was a great day. It was a great few days. 

This year I was on double duty.

Last year I marched with a group, this year I was assisting for the international bands contest and then for the main parade. 

It was a little last minute. But there it was. First thing on Sunday, headed down, didn't know what to expect. I'd walked down.

I was pleased to find that there was tea and biscuits, toilets, all the civilised things. It was a friendly meeting and then we headed to the start point. 

We stood for a long time as the bands and the rain arrived. The rain was hard and heavy and windy. The girls in short outfits and those without ponchos suffered a little. 

Eventually everyone was lined up. I was up front, shepherding a USA band, I loved the USA bands last year so it was good. We waited, a bit of rain fell, and the band behind struck up a practice, my band decided to dance to them. It was fun. 

We marched, through the streets of Limerick and had a great time. At Arthurs Quay I enjoyed the music and craic as the bands gathered and eventually I walked home. A great day.

Then yesterday, St Patricks Day, the same again but much more hectic.

I walked down again, and was there in good time. Tea and jambons and biscuits.

We headed to the barracks, and I was put on front line, checking and guiding groups, trying to keep excited children and families out of the path of cars going in and out. It was a hectic few hours. 

Then we moved to the zones of mad chaotic people, milling, shouting, playing. 

The chaos started clarifying into groups, many groups, big excited groups, and we started to move. 

A little.

We moved down towards the gate but had to wait for some time. It was rather hard trying to shepherd a lively group and keep them bouncing off the vehicles. Then we were off through town. As last year the streets were packed with people and I was hard at work keeping an eye on everyone rather than looking at the crowd, the usual high fives and so on but I was keeping an eye so no children were left behind and that they didn't get too boisterous.

I marched the route with them, I had one leg splinted and both with supports, and I was full of meds from a recent severe respiratory infection, but on top of the world and marching well. A fantastic day.

At the end, again, sinking into a bench on Arthurs Quay. Legs given out, tired. Then I walked back up, saw some of the floats as I walked, and headed for base. Base had sandwiches, nice ones, tea, toilets, a good atmosphere. 

I hung out in town for a while, enjoying the atmosphere, same as last year, but noisy teens got a bit much, and then the rain came down, and I was glad to crawl onto a nice dry bus and head home. 

At home I was totally zoned out and lazy, watched some things on the tablet, ate, did this and that, and hardly bothered with life, had an early night. 

This morning, achy, well and able, walking well, up and about as normal.

Good times, great festival. 

Sh*te, thanks for asking

 As you know, I don't advertise on blog posts but on the subject of life and suicide, I found a book, Angi Dixon's 'Sh*te, thanks for asking', on the subject of the impact of her brother's suicide. 

It's an interesting and easy to read book of reflections on the grief. I have just finished it and it goes in the parcel so that other people can read it and gain comfort and inspiration. 

That's pretty much all I have to say here, I have had a week of severe chest infection with asthma complications and had to miss a training course and my volunteer shift, so I'm not in a great mood. 

ASIST - Applied Suicide Intervention Training

 It's been a strange week. I came home from the bittersweet trip to Dublin, and prepared for the unknown, a two-day ASIST, suicide prevention course. I was nervous, as always with the unknown, I wanted to back out.

The morning the course began, I woke up to an email from the Garda who had been on the case where I was seriously assaulted, he told me that the CCTV had been retained and if I wanted to go ahead with the matter, to contact him or another Garda. This left me a bit thrown when I'd planned on leaving the house early to get to the course, but nonethless, I headed to the course. 

The first day of the course was extremely intensive, but I kept swimming. At breaktime I got an email from the hospital, 9 months after the assault, they acknowledged the matter and launched an investigation into the hospital's failings. Weirder and weirder.

By the end of the first day of the course I was exhausted and in pain. But I got through the day well and enjoyed the company of the group. Some of us sat together at lunch and chatted. 

The second day was a little less intense and I was better prepared. I had my neck brace, painkillers, soft drinks, and so on. At lunchtime I walked in the nearby nature reserve, enjoying the cold and the wind. I sat and had a light lunch there, and then joined the others in the canteen with a cup of tea.

In the afternoon we did an informal assessment, we paired off and role played a helper and a person in crisis. It went well, we'd all been nervous. 

The course is well worth it, and is offered free by HSE, the office for suicide prevention offers a range of courses on suicide and self-harm, and I'd previously done an online course which I found a bit triggering, but I didn't find ASIST triggering. We got our certificates and it was sad to say goodbye. I really liked some of the group and very much identified with some of them, and I didn't feel out of place, although I felt a bit embarrassed when I choked. If I get very tired, my muscles struggle and I choke easily.

Wow. I've learned a lot, and gained skills I needed. I'm very happy, very tired, and still startled by the hospital and garda, 9 months after the assault, both making contact the same day about investigations. What a funny week. 

Both days I walked home despite my tiredness and the distance, enjoying and needing the fresh air. 

If you want a suicide prevention course, have a look at NOSP, but not if you are suicidal:

https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/helping-someone-else/suicide-prevention-training-programmes/

North Earl Street

 I know I've written about North Earl Street, or Norf Earl Street before, it holds a place in my heart. This was my old post as I write again about the street which was the centre of our community: 

https://lifeforce198.blogspot.com/2024/12/gerry-and-incident-in-dublin.html

I just got back to Limerick from a weekend in Dublin. Dublin 4 has become a home from home since I moved to Limerick, another strange poetic justice. 

I went to petsit, as I usually do, but a different dog this time, the two families who have dogs are friends, but the dogs are chalk and cheese, the usual dog is ADHD and is delighted to pull me to the beach as many times a day as I'll go, which I'm perfectly happy with. The other dog is more like 'Maybe I should hide in this gateway or under this bush in case people, cars, dogs, ghosts or anything scary comes along'. She's not easy to walk, but much quieter at home. 

It was good to have a break, I wouldn't call my life in Limerick easy by any stretch of the imagination although I really do have to stay here. And being in Dublin, I'm reminded that although Limerick isn't easy, Dublin can be harsh for a disabled person. The packed public transport, the antisocial behaviour...I know we have that in Limerick, but everything is harsh and wearing in Dublin, crowded smelly buses and so on. Too much stress on my body. Limerick isn't easy but is easier than Dublin. 

Dublin is still part of me though, even if I feel unable to live there. When I go back to Dublin, I go to the beach, with or without the dog, I go to North Earl Street, Henry Street and O'Connell, I see my old friends, and I go to Dun Laoghaire as well. 

I arrived in Dublin on Friday and was mainly at the house or on the beach with the dog, the usual routine, different dog. 

It was a trip tinged with sadness. Recently a bus crash where the bus missed the turn onto Marlborough and went onto North Earl Street, which is pedestrianised, killed a man who used to be a regular at the cafe where myself and my friends were regulars. I'd known him by sight but not well, but it was a great tragedy, he was a man who knew what he wanted in life and looked after himself. He was so well known at our regular cafe that they knew how to do his fry and they would get him a birthday cake. He kept a routine, walking into town from East Wall for his time at the cafe and so on. 

When I saw the news of the bus crash, I thought it was either him or another man the same age who I got on so well with when I lived in Dublin. I kind of knew it was one of ours, that's all I can say. The other man, Sean, although he's a very unwell man now, is alive and I met with him on Saturday, we talked about the bus crash and he said about being the same age as the man who died. Everyone, all of us who used to meet on North Earl Street, and so many people all around are shocked. 

I had a lazy morning on Saturday, really needed it, did brunch, watched television. In the afternoon I went into Dublin city centre. There was a rugby match at the Aviva but it didn't impede the bus really. It was funny to be back where the crowds were walking to the Aviva, like they did in the days before I left Dublin for Limerick, when I had a birds eye view of the huge crowds. 

The bus was smelly and crowded and I got off at Pearse Street and walked round to Nassau Street.

I stood where he stood, that Saturday long ago, and looked over at the empty post where I used to sit. 

'On Nassau Street, where old ghosts meet, I see him walking now...' 

I will never really understand. 

I walked on round to O'Connell and up to North Earl Street. 

I have never had a Valentine's Day in Dublin without flowers, Nor a St Brigid's Day without being given a st Brigid's cross. This Valentine's day was no exception, and so I reached North Earl Street carrying a pretty red rose and a smile. 

My old friend was standing there, and we talked, caught up on everything since last time. He gave me a tip, very handy for food, and I walked down to where the bus crash was. There was a photo of the man who died, and lots of flowers. I couldn't really keep a rose as I was heading back to Limerick today (Sunday) so put the rose there with the others, there were a number of roses alongside other flowers. I said a few quiet words and felt sad, and then I went on wandering around, until I found Sean, who looked as if he was seeing a ghost. We've only met once since I moved to Limerick. He's not a well man, he leaned on the wall and we talked for a while. He also gave me a tip. Everyone remembers how I was struggling and they still reach out, and it's something I love about the Dublin gang. I'm certainly still in abject poverty so I don't offend the gang by saying no. I hope none of you judge me that I let people help me. I'm still in a dead-end situation with trying to work out what to do for a living when I have complex disabilities and can no longer do the work I did, and my confidence is rock bottom. I'm waiting for support again to work on a career 

I decided that Sandymount Tesco would be crazy with rugby-goers by the time I got back, so I went into Dunnes on North Earl Street, and when I came out, another old friend was there, a dear old friend. We walked so they could feed the birds, we rummaged in charity shops, with their help I got a much needed new rucksack which can also be a shoulder bag or carry bag, I've been having a bag crisis and it will really help, especially as I have to take the washing to the laundry. Good news there is I found a closer laundry service as well.

Anyway, we went and had a meal. Reminisced about meals we'd had in the past, talked about memories and now and dogs and all sorts of things. It was as it always has been. It's funny, when I go back, everyone is there, things are as they were, and I will never walk through Dublin without meeting old friends. 

The words come unbidden, unscripted as I stand on North Earl Street 'I love you so very very much'. 

'Fare thee well sweet Ana Liffey'. 

So it was a great Saturday in Dublin. I got home without the rugby crowds being in the way, and enjoyed the luxury of an evening of television. As ever, I rarely see a television, so it's always a luxury on the Dublin weekends. The wind and rain howled and myself and the dog just curled up and watched films. 

I slept well there but dreamed a lot, slightly sad and complex dreams. This morning was more television and bunch, very nice. A quick walk in the rain and then time to hand over. 

When I handed house and dog back, I got the Dart down to Dun Laoghiare. Normally I have some emotion, this is my home town and I still love it, in an irritated way, but today nothing. Maybe carrying a heavy bag didn't help, I don't know. My hairdresser sometimes works Sundays and was there last time on a Sunday, but not this time, it was a shame, my friends gave me enough tips for a haircut and it's hard to get a decent haircut without a mortgage in Limerick. The Dart can be hell on weekends, but it was bearable if a bit smelly. The Dart was only running Connelly to Greystones, which may be why it was less crowded, and the Irish win at the Aviva would leave a lot of people sleeping off hangovers. 

So I did't stay long, headed back, got the Limerick bus, which was crowded and smelly, but I sat up front, enjoyed my packed lunch and kept my headphones on, and it was okay. We went in and out of heavy rain and hail, the forecast was snow, but there was no snow. So I'm home. 

I really must write the poem 'North Earl Street' and post it on Castletroy Words. 

Life isn't easy, but old friends bring joy. Life force, power, pure joy. 

Back on the chain gang

 After an unwanted break from volunteer work, I managed to get a shift, weekends for a few hours, community work. I'm delighted. 

I was very happy to do my first shift at the weekend. And it's exactly what I want to be doing. 

Our local volunteer centre is a bit lacklustre, where the Dublin ones used to pursue me with shifts, the local one is hard to communicate with, and the other group I worked with changed leadership and also became difficult to get hold of. 

I am determined, so I found something to do in the end. And the best cure for all ills is volunteer work, even if it can make me feel like collapsing physically. But like everything, I will work to overcome, and see if I can get some strength back. 

Apart from that, I am busy with the pursuit of publishing, and also writing poems, and now competing in poetry contests. 

That's about all for now. Life is a whirlwind, there's an imminent Dublin trip, so much going on. 

Life force, power, pure joy. 

Letting Go

 Good afternoon and so on. 

I am working on self-help. YouTube has some great CBT videos, there are series, well worth it. 

Being flexible and believing in change help. 

I have been using a CBT programme to see how best to cope with my wrong wiring, and one thing I'm learning about is to channel the intensity which comes from being wired wrong. To focus the panicked instinctive life and death mode which comes from real life and death situations in my past. Essentially using my brain in different ways will help. I was advised of some apps to help keep my brain focused and training, the brain is quite able, some neurological pathways are dark, I am hopeless with lines and numbers, logic. But I decided from recent events that nothing is impossible, I may as well try to wake that part of my brain. 

It's the weekend so I am watching videos while also doing poetry and short story entries. Life has so much in it. I described this while in peer support like this: 

'There are so many stars in the sky'. During recent times stars have come into my musical sound-track for life. Two songs especially, 'The Call' by Regina Spektor 'Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow where it leads...' and then from the recent Christmas 'God Bless us every one' from 'A Christmas Carol' - 'Star by Star in the Sky and kindness by human kindness, let me love till I die and God bless us every one'. Both songs are about change, revolution. A Christmas Carol is about someone waking up, coming out of their cave, and I hope that's what I'm doing. The Call is often linked to action film sound tracks but the words are interesting. 

Another Song I like at the moment is 'The Cave', I always did, some songs from my past have moved to the present. The Cave has a lot in it which not everyone will hear, it goes from The Bible to Odysseus to the analogy of The Cave and boots around many things while being a modern song about relationships and reactions. It reminds me strongly of recent events in my life and how some of those events woke me with a jolt. 

Life changes, evolves, revolves, it's better to evolve than be stuck. Sometimes change means letting go, and it can hurt, and it can be uncertain when you're letting go of one thing to grab another. 

Build a sky full of stars, so when you have to let go of a thing, person or place which you loved or bonded to, you can look at your other stars and keep going forward. 

Life Force

 I hope you're settling into the new year well. 

My revolutions are going okay. I don't use any sugar in my tea. 

The other day I did my initial suicide prevention training. I have first aid first response but suicide training is equally necessary. 

You may have read my previous post. This is about the two suicidal people who I had to help.

Life Force 198: It's hard to know what to do when you're actually confronted by it

 It's good to have training and I will go on and do more training. 

When people are suicidal, it is like being in a dark tunnel with no light, no way out. People are precious, we have to look after them and support them. The most important things people need in that dark tunnel, is people with them and support. 

Support is important. It seems, after all this time and struggle, I have more support. It certainly makes a difference to me. We all need someone to turn to, a friendly face, a friendly place, a cup of tea. 

We all need to talk, to get things off our chest, however unimportant, how we don't like a new TV show, and how we don't fancy Cillian Murphy, and so on, just talking, reaching out. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to reach out but I needed to. We all need to link in with others, even if we like a lot of time alone as I do. 

As I mentioned at Christmas, I got obsessed with 'A Christmas Carol, the Musical' and I love the lines from the song 'Let us love till we die, and God Bless us, every one'. 

By the way, here's a link to great life lessons: 145 Life Lessons Everyone Needs to Learn

I'm not paid for links, it's something I found useful and agree with a number of the lessons. 

Happy New Year from Lifeforce198

 

Happy New Year in a few hours! 

What am I up to? Writing out New Year's prayers, worrying - nothing new, listening to music, sorting photo albums and files, and so on. 

How do I see the New Year in? With tea of course, with the London Fireworks live, again I give a nod to that awful country for New Year. I do New Year's Revolutions, because it's more fun, and I have a bottle of 198 champagne on hand - Apple and Elderflower sparkling water. 

So, what a year, highlights? Being violently assaulted and put in hospital, seeing firsthand how our hospital is no longer functioning safely. And then there was Leinster House, memories to savour. One thing stands out to me from the year, the kindness and friendliness, everyone who stood by me. I won't name you all, but if I name a few, they won't mind - Shane, Theresa, Michelle, Bob and the gang, Camilla, Ian, Ger, John, Lisa, Paul, all of ye, too many to name and some might not want to be named, so many people who have made life brighter. 

And at the beginning of December I had a great weekend in Dublin, a fantastic catchup with everyone, especially those who I haven't seen since I moved to Limerick. So many special people. It made me laugh that the lazer beams from the awful light show on Dublin's O'Connell Street can be seen all the way to South Dublin. 

In brief my New Year's Revolution started up before the New Year, and it's about changing my reactions and trying to improve how I relate to people. With the level of trauma and psychological damage I've suffered, I struggle miserably with interactions and relating to people and I need to change, but it's not overnight, especially when trauma to do with relationships is hardwired into me. But I'll try with help. 

Wishing you a Happy New Year or at least a peaceful one if things are difficult. Remember what I said last year. Not everyone can have a happy Christmas or New Year, the image of happy families is an image, and many people struggle, take heart, it's not you, it's life. 

 Dr O'Brien, I've 

took your railway set, hope you don't miss it. 

The fireworks were great, both live from London and in our local area. And it's New Year's Day evening now. I walked into town, there were buses and my bike, but I think I needed walking time. I went to the 'Sober Rave' at Wickham Way for a while, I snagged a free ticket and attended out of curiosity. 

It was interesting, a real disco/warehouse rave feel but no drugs or alcohol, people dancing sober, loud music and lights, great fun. I avoid pubs, clubs and alcohol behaviour, so it was nice to be able to take part. I hope they keep it up and grow it. 

Happy Christmas from Life Force 198!

It's been too long. I've been so caught up in life's dramas that I've barely been blogging. 

Happy Christmas to you. Yes you! Don't be lonely, I'm here, life force, power, pure joy! 

familiar Limerick sight 

It's my second Christmas here, although I was around last Christmas, just not officially in Limerick on Christmas day or after the working week finished in Limerick, I was of course a fingernail over the border, in Shannon. 

I'm glad to be here, imperfect and broken as life and Limerick are. I'm glad I saw this Christmas in in Limerick. If you want to see my feelings in poetry, I've written something up on Castletroy Words: 

Christmas in Limerick 

It's Christmas Eve. I'm autistic and pedantic so I have a list of everything Christmas and the run up to Christmas should contain, and I can't think of anything that's missing this year, apart from figs, it was hard to get figs, by the time I got to thinking of food over Christmas, it was running a little late and nowhere had figs left. 

This Christmas I had my trip to Dublin. I had a weekend in Dublin, a wonderful special weekend, very special. I got to meet up with people who I haven't seen since my disastrous crash-landing in Limerick 16 months ago. It was an incredible weekend. 

This December I've had an overdose of carol singing, loved it, had mulled wine, just a nip, and didn't find that mulled wine inspiring, it was more plum and less spice, not to my taste, but at least I tried it. I guess I was spoilt having grown up where I did, where people really knew how to make mulled wine for carolling. Anyway, we had two great nights carolling and even someone throwing a firework didn't deter us. Eeejits. 

Limerick's tree leans to the left...

I've enjoyed church, Christmas meals, Christmas parties even, see, the old me from long ago is resurfacing, but in my case, not alcohol shaped parties, real parties. I have been swamped with generosity in the form of presents and food, I've had meals and coffees with friends in Limerick and in Dublin, I've enjoyed pre-Christmas church, Christmas films, Christmas music, pulling crackers, giving and receiving cards and gifts, enjoying the brightly decorated houses as I walk and bike around, the lights and trees in town, my own little Christmas table with a small tree, lights, candles and the cards, presents and goodies laid out. I got my 10 cent decorations and little tree at the same place as last year - poor and happy am I, of course that's the thing about Christmas, remember Tiny Tim being so happy, and so delighted they could afford a small chicken. If any of you haven't seen the musical version of 'A Christmas Carol' I recommend it. I don't need excess or alcohol, Christmas can be made up of many things and not costing much - don't snort if Christmas leaves you in debt, I live hand to mouth, Jesus was born to save us and that's what the celebration is about, not material things.

This evening we had a lovely evening Mass, packed with families home for the holidays. Now I'm enjoying slouching around, the house to myself, eating everything I shouldn't and drinking tea. 

Do any of you know 'Angela's Christmas'? I may have mentioned it last Christmas. It's a heartwarming little tale, told by the late great Frank McCourt himself about an adventure his mother got up to when she was young at Christmas, it's touching and funny as well as sad. Very Frank McCourt. Since I came to Limerick it has become part of the Christmas list for me, every year new songs, films and traditions join me, this year it is the musical of 'A Christmas Carol'. I also like Andre Rieu's 'Home for Christmas' concert, which is a cross between film and music. 

I have my films, 'Home Alone' 1 and 2, the many sequels are just money spinners, they aren't Home Alone films, no Kevin. Miracle on 34th Street, the newer one, Nativity 1, the rest are just money spinners and really bad, A Christmas Prince 1, 2 sometimes, but 3 is just a money spinner, the story is gone by then, I wish sequals could be banned. Then there's the trio - The Snowman, The Bear and Father Christmas - no I'll never grow up, Frosty the Snowman gets a look in too. Then there's a rare film called 'Heaven Sent' and that's a kind of sentimental thing, I remember it in French when I lived in France and actually it was a better film in French. A Christmas Carol in various forms is a good watch, then there's the Grinch, I prefer the animated version, then there's my go-to favourite, 'Deck the Halls' - the one with Buddy Hall and Steve Finch, not the old film. I never really took to 'It's a Wonderful Life' the old classic everyone names. The Holiday - my old favourite from France, and 'Love Actually' - that classic British one which reminds me my heritage isn't all bad. There are so many Christmas films, many are just romances with Christmas decorations, but if you are all 'Bah humbug' just try watching any old film you like and making the most of the Christmas break to relax. I'm going to watch Mary Poppins right now because that smoky London atmosphere is Christmassy enough, if you know and love London, seeing the old London is a treat. 

I nod to my heritage each winter, I start in November with the livestream of the Hastings Bonfire Parade and carnival. I join them with livestream and I instantly move on to the livestream walks of the London Christmas lights, atmospheric and unmissable, and I also watch the London Fireworks on New Year's. These are my personal traditions. Modern technology enables people who live apart from countries and places that they love to retain links and traditions and not miss out on events like those. It's the good side of modern tech. 

Hot chocolate is expensive in Ireland, everything is incredibly expensive in Ireland now, but I tend to have one hot Chocolate before Christmas. This year it was at a nice cafe on Roches Street, and I had that in a slight hurry before carol singing. 

This December I got to visit Dublin, Cork - (don't ask) and Galway, and I got to Killarney in November. I didn't expect my normal Galway visit this year, so much was happening, but I made it. I got my usual photos of the Christmas markets, but it was a tough one in many ways, including being my first trip there since someone special there died. Still, I made it and kept the tradition. I remember doing that trip in the snow in the past but this year it just rained. I didn't make it to Belfast this year, nor last year, but in my mind, my memory, my photos, I'm there, enjoying the Christmas markets and everything else I love about Belfast. The song 'One more mile to go' by Chris de Burgh, reminds me of coming back home from Belfast to Dublin after a Christmas trip, although that song has older memories for me as well. Lets talk songs. 

I have a lifelong love for Christmas songs, stemming from my friendship with my brother, which was cemented when we were children in a violent dangerous homeless hostel at Christmas. We used to hide, listen to Christmas music secretly on headphones and plot to make Christmas special for the others. That is how Christmas became special and magical to me, and has remained so despite all the lonely, violent, cold and poverty-Stricken Christmases. The magic is still there, although through December this year, I felt so tired and stressed and unhappy that I almost missed out on the magic, I had my mind on life issues and felt I wasn't going to celebrate Christmas at all, but Christmas has pulled me along and pulled me in, and it's been good. I know it's only 8.15 on Christmas Eve, but it still feels like one of the better Christmases, and I'm not isolated and dependent like last year, I'm actually in Limerick, and I like that. I like it a lot. 

I hope to spend the break sorting a lot of stuff out, stuff that's been left while I was caught up in problems and dramas. I was watching Mary Poppins but when I wrote about 'One more mile to go' I really wanted to hear it, so I'm playing it on repeat. Another Chris, Chris Norman, did some brilliant underrated Christmas songs, including 'Christmas Song' not to be confused with 'That's Christmas' which I don't like, his actual 'Christmas Song' has some of my favourite lyrics 'Through the ages pain and sorrow never can be justified, comes the dawning of tomorrow, love will always be my guide'. Idealistic and not necessarily true, but beautiful. This song reminds me most of my Christmas in the Pyrenees: V1 Raylor Us H1 16 9    I always double that one with 'For you' which for me is a Christmas song as well, and also my love song for France. I remember driving home from the Pyrenees, the steel grey winter sky of my home department rising ahead and the signs for Lorient, beloved Lorient, passing me. 

Shannon Airport of course. 

I'm taking a short break from writing because I want to walk round the neighbourhood and look at Christmas lights, do you ever do that? Have you ever been to any of those huge charity displays, there used to be a really big one in our county town where I used to live. I never actually went in to see it, but I used to drive past and weave through the crowds going in and out. I was a delivery driver on evening shifts back then, and sometimes I wish I was again, I wish I could turn back time, but we can't turn back time or change the past, we can only be here and now. 

I came back from a nice walk. I walked to the main road and round the estates. I saw a lot of lights, it's cold out there. It was the first cold clear day after what seems like months of rain. It has added to the good feeling of Christmas. 

There are so many songs over the year that make me think of Christmases past, starting with 'Old Toy Trains' and 'I believe in Father Christmas' from when myself and my brother used to make Christmas magical and on to 'Christmas Lights' which reminds me of losing two friends five years apart both at Christmas. The songs, the carols, they have memories, and as years pass, new songs, new memories. 

It's 11.20 and I wavered between early night, tired from the day's efforts, and staying up doing housework and other tasks, and I stayed up of course, no early start tomorrow, Mass isn't until 11.30, dinner is 3 pm, and I will be lazy and then have eggs and rashers for breakfast, with some of the nice coffee I've been given, a treat.

The Leaky Teapot and the Presidential Election

In the last few days I've been to the Leaky Teapot a few times. Drinking tea while doing paperwork or waiting for things. 

I enjoyed seeing the Shannon as I sat in the window. In the summer the trees are in leaf and they block the Shannon out. I didn't know if I'd see my second winter in Limerick, but here I am. The Shannon has been fierce like the Corrib in the last few days and I've sat and watched it from the cafe and stood down there on the Quay as well. There was some filming going on down there. 

The Leaky Teapot was busy this second time, and I was lucky to get a window seat. I sat with my tea, I was waiting in between my messages and errands, and the afternoon Mass, and so I had a cup of tea, can't usually afford food, but to my surprise, people who knew me were eating and got me a meal. This is my Limerick, and this is how kind and generous people have always been to me while I've been in Limerick. I enjoyed curry, rice and chips. Chips with curry and rice is an Irish thing and very pleasant. 

leaky teapot

On the subject of kindness. I watched the presidential race with interest. I am not supposed to be political or personal or biased, but it was a very clear cut race. There should have been more candidates, yes, but the winner won. 

The man who left me on the streets of Limerick in the beginning is a strong FG personality. I found out through him about politics, about FG, and about where things are going wrong in Ireland. He claimed to be friends with the FG presidential candidate and have her number, before she was a presidential candidate of course. 

The independent candidate Catherine Connolly, carried herself well throughout the campaign, was clear on her mandate and very human, able to reach people. She is very natural and friendly and people warmed to her. The desperate mudslinging by Right Wing Fine Gael backfired and made them look very bad. 

Something I found a bit shocking when I came to Ireland and especially when I went to college in Dublin, was women of grandmother age trying to be sexy. I've not seen this in the UK or France or any country, but figure hugging and revealing clothes, lots of makeup, accessories, scarlet nails, in older women, it has made me sad to see, because they shouldn't need to be trying like that. It's my opinion and I'm totally natural myself and have never tried to attract men. What stood out about Catherine Connolly was that she's totally natural, didn't try to hide herself behind any kind of paint, and didn't try to show herself off, she conducted herself much as President Higgins himself would. I think people saw this. She presented as a person, not a mask. Anything in life that depends on wearing a mask is hollow. 

Her win was deserved. You have the Irish Times and the Irish Sun reading similar headlines of her win, but the Times, Right Wing, are adding about the spoiled vote, trying not to gain the disapproval of the nation while having a quiet sour grapes moment, while the Sun, Left Wing, adds a little bit about her rival giving her best wishes. The little difference between tabloid and broadsheet this morning.

The clocks changed last night, they still look the same to me but I got to stay in bed longer and laugh at the comments on the Journal headlines. 

That's the Shannon yesterday when I left the Leaky Teapot. A low rapid tide, often a paradise for kayakers. 

So Ireland has a new President but it was a messy and controversial election which left a number of potential candidates and candidates looking bad. It was an Irish breed of disaster.

The end result was okay. I guess at the moment I could say the same about my bumpy landing in Limerick. There has been a lot of bad but certainly some positives.